Cracks in the SOS Dan
by superstarultra
Summary: Five young men and women who live in a world filled with hardships, friendships, relationships... and extreme cases of idiocy. Series of short cracky drabbles. Read on for a much-needed laugh if you want. Rated H for Haruhi! ...Nah, it's rated T.
1. Kyon's Sacrifice

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Let me explain this first. After sharing various ideas for Haruhi crack with my friends, I realized I probably wouldn't be able to cram it all down into my main project, You Got HaruhiRolled!. So I decided to opt for a new path and shamelessly rip off R. Controversy's "Little Melancholies". Listed as follows will be short cracky drabbles of passing ideas or jokes that I've had. Each will vary in length, maybe center from 100 to 1,000 words each. Will depend on the idea, but none will be like 7,000 word entries. **

**Kinda like Little Melancholies, but hopefully not as emo (just kidding, R. Con, lulz). **

**As long as I can get my joke across or make you laugh, I know I will have succeeded. **

**Enjoy my pretentious tripe! **

* * *

_Ring-ring~! Ring-ring~!_

"Hello, Kyon," Itsuki greeted cheerfully into his cell-phone after seeing the Caller I.D.. "This is quite a surprise. Is something troubling you?"

"Koizumi, I have something to tell you. I've changed. I'm tired of Haruhi hounding me all the time so I went and had some work done," answered the muffled voice of Kyon on the other end (Itsuki sensed an alteration of tempo in his tone, but said nothing).

"What do you mean by that? A change?"

"Look at your phone."

Itsuki saw the icon for an envelope image flashing on his phone, and clicked the option for 'Yes'. Itsuki blinked at the curious picture Kyon had sent him. A girl in her teens and wearing a male version of the North High outfit greeted him. She wore a slight scowl on her face and had her muddy brown hair done up in a ponytail.

"Kyon, who is this? A distant cous-" Itsuki began.

"That would be the change I made. So? What do you think? Will it keep Haruhi away?" the unmuffled _feminine_ voice asked, removing the hand from _her_ lips.

"...Wow. I am strangely unattracted to you now. Goodbye, Kyon." With that, Itsuki hung up.

Kyon(ko) merely smirked at the sudden development. Of course Haruhi would still pursue him even as a girl. He could deal with that. Itsuki, on the other hand...

"EXACTLY AS PLANNED~..."

* * *

**A/N: Well? Like it? Love it? Review and favorite it, and I might try to update this daily. I'm a slow writer, but something like this might be easy for me. And now that I think about it, this is like a mirror of my very first HaruhiRolled! chapter. :3 **

**See you around, lovelies. **


	2. Pest Control

_**Swat. **_

"_I hate when this happens. Being reduced to pieces hurts._"

_**Smack. **_

"_Fear not, brother. Mother will always be there to bring us back. Her rage is our meat and drink._"

_**Crack. **_

"_You sure you're right about that?_"

_**Whack. **_

"_Of course. Haven't I always been?_"

_**Crunch. **_

"_I just wish I knew where these pests came from..._"

_**Squish. **_

"_Me, too. Seems that there's more every spring..._"

_**Splat. **_

And so the two Celestials continued to swipe and swing at the red spheres that continued to hound them, unintelligible moans emitted from them all the while.

* * *

**A/N: I needed a Celestial chapter for HR, but since I'm busy with writing bigger chapters, this will have to do. They need some love for them, rather than serve as cannon fodder in fics for those fruity espers. And ya think that Sasaki would be the more suitable choice as God since her espers aren't risking their lives every day. Does this make the Agency... masochists? **

**Oh, well. **


	3. Moe Moe Kyunko

Everything was turning on her. She had no power to do anything against him. The vast conspiracy of the others grew to enshroud her own life until she was no longer her own girl. Her wardrobe shifted from the casual wear she once had loaded in her closet, to one almost entirely that of "his" personal taste.

It was a hot day, but still she had to wear the ridiculous clothes, prepare his tea, cut the cake _and_ clean the room. Kyonko was a serf in the kingdom of the god, Haruki Suzumiya, and she was the maid.

"Here you go."

No thank you from him... _again_.

She would poison him, if not for the fact that the lesbo at the table kept reading her mind.

* * *

**A/N: Poor Kyonko can't catch a break, eh? Kudos to BKE with this one. :) **


	4. Bad Judgement

Fujiwara, time-traveler and sneering agent. He did whatever he needed to do to accomplish a task. No matter who or what got in his way, he would ensure free will would be given to all of mankind.

Kuyou Suou, alien and living doll. Her purposes didn't expand far beyond obtaining data and feeding occasionally. It was that easy for her. Really easy.

One day, the two crossed paths in Kyouko's apartment, as Kuyou withdrew the last oatmeal cookie out of the cookie jar.

Naturally, Fujiwara snatched the cookie away and took a small nibble out of it, thinking that such a person of his stature and magnitude needed the fuel to carry out his goals. He obviously deserved it more. Kuyou looked up at him, clutching at empty air still.

"Mmmmmm. Oatme- Huh?"

"Mine."

The air became very cold all of a sudden.

As he looked down at the mass of black that was glaring angrily (_hungrily_) up at him in the tree he was now cowering in, Fujiwara wondered what part of his plan had _ever _been a good idea.

* * *

**A/N: Don't steal from Kuyou. She will try to kill you. And due to canon now, I shall give her proper speech. So long line-breaks! For now... **


	5. Gensokyo? Where's That?

One of Kyon's biggest pet peeves was being molested.

He highly disliked it when Haruhi manhandled him, Mikuru was starting to irk him slightly when she _accidentally _grinded up against him roughly, that one time Yuki went into her Safe Mode and _probed _him, and when Itsuki slapped his ass one time in P.E.. It was getting bothersome.

But this... this was something else entirely.

Thanks to that new member they had gotten, Kyon barely had any time for the other members. Haruhi had stuck Kyon with the newbie to show her the ropes. Surely this mysterious new transfer student/young prodigy would need the aid of an older male student to survive in the sweaty jungle that was high school, right?

Big mistake.

Despite looking even younger than Imouto, this new girl was now all over him whenever the other four weren't looking. Kyon wondered if dying from having your nerves constantly stimulated was even possible (he'd need to ask Yuki). Honestly, he'd forgotten how they'd ended up in his bed of all places during a simple tutoring session over her grades. Now Kyon felt himself being ravaged by someone possibly WORSE than Haruhi. He would have said something in protest, but his assailant had her tongue shoved down his throat. Three seconds later, the kiss (rape?) ended.

He quickly used said moment to ponder just _how_ in the hell the person above him seemed to manage to molest him in so many different ways without breaking the laws of physics. Probably had something to do with those ridiculous-looking wings on her back that she'd just decided to show him.

Seeing this as an opportune moment, Kyon asked, "Just who are you again?"

The person above Kyon just smiled cutely and deviously, allowing one of her fangs to poke out of the corner of her mouth. She nestled her head against Kyon's chest, letting her curly, short, blond hair tickle his nose. She smelled of dust, McDonalds, peppermint candy, and... was that blood?

"I'm the devil's little sister, silly!" she half-purred, half-giggled. "But if ya wanna call me Flandre for short... That's okay with me~."

* * *

**A/N: Dedicated to Gladiator Beast MCK, who helped me with a virus problem. I know you love the Touhou series a lot, so I did this. Now the SOS have a vampire in their midst. A loli one at that. And Flandre Scarlet at that. **

**This proves it. I AM CRAZY. **


	6. Backside Beatdown

She rubbed her bottom, raw from all the deep hitting she had taken in the past few minutes.

_Sore, so very sore... I'm definitely not sitting down for a while..._ she thought to herself with a grimace. That solved it.

Haruhi was never roughhousing with Yuki again.

* * *

**A/N: Ummmmmmmmmm... Yeah... **

**Again, thanks, BKE. Always knew Yuki wouldn't take it lying down. **


	7. An Hourglass Figure

"Hey, watch where you're going, Mikuru! You almost knocked Yuki out of the window with those things!" Haruhi laughed, pointing at Mikuru's chest in the clubroom.

_Don't let Miss Suzumiya get you down. She's just a bully._

"Heya, Asahina! You're looking really cute in that winter uniform! Fillin' it out and everything~..." Taniguchi complimented with a grin in the hall.

_Ignore Taniguchi. He's just a pervert..._

"Mikuru, where are ya goin' in such a hurry? You'll make a _milkshake_ if ya run that fast! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Tsuruya howled, slapping her knees and gasping for breath at her own lame joke.

_Tsuruya's your best friend. She wouldn't hurt your feelings on pur- Yes. That's just it..._

"Miss, I'm going to have to ask you to put those napkins back. You can't just take them and hide them in your- Oh. I'm sorry! I hope I didn't offend you," Emiri said apologetically to Mikuru one day at the cafe she worked at.

_Miss Kimidori works really long hours. She probably got all tired and... Stay strong, Mikuru... Stay strong. They're all just jealous of you. _

"Afternoon, jailbait. Oh, wait a moment... My mistake," Fujiwara said with an all too gleeful smile during one of their standoffs, when Mikuru had opted to wear a tank-top that day.

_He's just... He... He... WHERE IS KYON? I NEED HIM! HE WOULD NEVER MOCK ME! NEVER! NEVER EVER EVER EVER-_

"Mikuru?" Kyon's little sister interrupted, breaking the red-head out of her train of thought during a park patrol. "Is it okay if I read my book with you?"

Mikuru brightened up in an instant. "O-Of course!"

"Thanks! You're so awesome!"

_Awesome... _The word danced in Mikuru's head. Finally, there was someone other than Kyon who didn't openly or subtly mock her about her body's assets! Oh, what joy! Perhaps this wasn't such a cruel world after all!

Her sense of self-appreciation ended the moment she spotted Miyoko and the time-traveling boy she'd helped rescue crouching on either side of Imouto in the middle of her curvy silhouette.

"Thanks for saying yes, Mikuru!" chirped the zippy, young youth, flipping to where the bookmark stuck out in the book's pages. "Me and my friends really needed the shade. It's really hot today!"

Mikuru couldn't help but start whimpering.

* * *

**A/N: Mikuru... SHE'S GOT THE CURSE OF CURVES~! *guitar riff* And it's not a complete TMOHS crack story without a shot at Mikuru's body. **


	8. Leggo my Ego

Itsuki and Yuki were walking alongside each other after the usual club meeting when a question suddenly crossed Itsuki's mind.

"I hope you don't mind me asking, Nagato, but is there anything you desire out of life?" asked the esper.

"To obtain the secret of auto-evolution by observing Haruhi Suzumiya," came the mechanical reply.

Itsuki chuckled. "No, no. I mean, is there anything you wish to personally accomplish in your life? Anything you wish you could instantly achieve?"

Yuki tucked the book she had been reading all this time under her arm as they neared her home. "Explain."

Itsuki scratched his chin, trying to think of an appropriate response, deciding to just toss out a few good examples. "Well, like become popular and gain millions of admirers, be incredibly attractive or outrageously strong, be vastly intelligent so you wouldn't have to study for school anymore, get your own manga spin-off, or maybe even have a religion named after you. You see where I'm going with this?"

To Itsuki's ultimate surprise, Yuki was now donning, what was without a doubt, the **smuggest **smile he had ever seen. No fake smile he could ever conjure up from years of training perfecting with the Agency could hope to top all of haughtiness that Yuki's face was now conveying.

"I hate to inform you, Koizumi, but all of the situations you have listed have already happened to me. I am content with my life. Good day." And then Yuki practically _skipped _all the way to the entrance of her apartment building.

Itsuki stared in bewilderment for a few more seconds, before cupping his hands over his mouth, and shouting, "I WAS CONSIDERING TO FORM A STRONG BOND BETWEEN THE TWO OF US LIKE YOU HAVE WITH KYON, BUT NOW YOU CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT IT!"

* * *

**A/N: Yuki's new emotion of the day: Conceit. I'll bet all those image boards had something to do with it... **

**Yuki skipping. Picture that. :3 **


	9. What Lurks Beneath the Talk and Forehead

Tsuruya and Sasaki were seated at a plastic white table under a cute gazebo that had just been recently built in the green-headed child's massive backyard. Let's see what these two mismatched characters are doing now, shall we?

"My, my, Tsuruya. I do so enjoy these lavish get-togethers you plan out for the two of us," drawled Sasaki, wearing a small black beret on her head, and holding a glass of wine in her hand. "Discovering that we share equal interests, thanks to the two simple-minded groups of idiots we know, was a glamorous day!"

"I agree as well, ol' chap!" chimed Tsuruya, not speaking in her usual hyper and fun-loving hyena voice, but instead speaking in a posh, upper-crust tone. "Spending with what little time we have with one another on one of my islands or my little villa in the mountains is always a joy. Nothing says happiness like being your real self and discussing philosophy and the Japanese economy over a spot of tea or wine!" Tsuruya sipped her cup of honey tea (pinky finger extended, thank you! ), and adjusted her enormous top hat and monocle that hung over her left eye.

"Not to mention dominating the entire world by combing our doomsday plots together. Did you get enough uranium?" Sasaki asked, swirling her drink a bit.

"I managed to procure enough. Thanks to my impeccable business skills and a low-cut kimono, I acquired all our funds by giving away nearly nothing in exchange, but a pound of sugar!" Tsuruya chuckled darkly, skewering a cube of cheese with a tooth-pick, and swallowing it down in one chomp. "Ahhhhhh, Brie... Much better than that smoked garbage I am always forced to choke down."

"Hmmhmmhmm! Soon our Sasaki-Tsuruya-Deathbots will be complete! Not even the power of a goddess will stop us! And not even aliens, time-travelers, and espers will have no hope against an army of chimeras!" Sasaki cackled evilly.

Tsuruya winced a bit at that. "About that... I think we should consider renaming the robot portion of our army, Sasaki."

Sasaki blinked. "How so and why?"

"Something about the name irritates me, but I haven't the foggiest notion... Anyways, speaking of the chimera project, Sasaki, I took the liberty of having the reconstructed caribou we created serve as the tool to dispose of... _unwanted obstacles_ that may get in our way. Hee hee hee!"

"Brilliant strategizing, my fanged comrade! But... aren't caribous herbivores? I thought they only consumed plants."

Tsuruya grinned savagely. "Not if you _starve_ one!"

"Is that so? Well... Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho~!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha~!"

Sasaki drained the rest of her drink and slid her beret off her head, turning to Tsuruya with a hungry smile. "Since we seem to be running low on time... Shall we shag now or later?"

"Hmmmm... I would prefer now. I have a meeting to attend with that Mikuru harlot and Haruhi whore in the noon, but I'll cook up an excuse. The _exercise _card shall fool her!" answered Tsuruya, eyeballing Sasaki's chest with a leer.

Sasaki giggled, the back of her hand raised to her chin. "Ha ha ha! You're such a card yourself! But... leave the top hat on this time, Tsuruya. I'm feeling fancy. And you know how much your voice turns me on when you don't speak with that brainless lisp."

Tsuruya beamed happily and rubbed her hands together. "You devil, you."

And shag they did.

* * *

**A/N: ...Well, that was disturbing. Mother 3 reference in there if you're familiar with the series.  
**


	10. An Out of the World Discussion

"So why wasn't I given basic human emotions?"

"Hmmm? Pardon me, Nagato?"

"I asked why I wasn't given the ability to openly display the simplest of human emotions. Why is it that I am subjected to experience them at a sluggish growth rate due to my time with... _him_? Why not at the start of my mission?" Yuki asked Emiri in the empty classroom of Class 1-9. The latter was mixing some beakers containing chemicals for the teacher that would be used in a demonstration and lab activity.

"Well... Asakura had more time to adapt and interact with humans in the time she was sent here. I, myself, have spent a good deal of time studying common human activities and expressions. Since you were going to be the one observing the subject the most, you had to be... unique," Emiri responded, mixing a clear fluid into a glass of blue solution. It fizzed a bit before setting into a shade of teal.

"Had to be... Are you saying I was purposefully programmed to act this way?" Yuki inquired tranquilly, her tone nearly taking an accusatory level. Emiri remained blissfully unaware of the change.

"Not exactly the words I would choose, but I suppose so. After all, what would warrant more attention to a human who loves the odd and bizarre, than a silent girl with purple hair that never blinks half the time?" Emiri gave her fellow alien an all too syrupy smile and flicked her lime hair in a haughty manner. "A shame you couldn't have been given a more charming and magnetic persona such as mine."

Yuki's left eyebrow twitched for a second as her hands clenched into tight fists. "...I see. Thank you for answering my question, Kimidori."

Emiri smiled good-naturedly and went back to her work, the last of the beakers ready to be mixed. "Glad I was able to enlighten you, Nagato. Class will be starting soon. Run along now!"

Something vicious within Yuki sparked suddenly. Whether it was bitter anger or annoyance, she reasoned that her following action could not be helped. Using her powers of data-manipulation, the petite doll altered the properties and the colors of the last two liquids in their retrospective beakers; one of which that Emiri just _happened_ to be reaching for. The girl with iceberg lettuce hair was too engrossed in setting aside some test tubes to even notice the swap.

About a minute later, after Yuki had sped past a surprised Taniguchi and Kunikida in the hall, a rather large explosion erupted from within Class 1-9.

* * *

**A/N: Don't fuck around with the emotionless girl. She just might try and explode you! :D **

**And Emiri needs to pick her words more. Also, I am working on HR. BE PATIENT.  
**


	11. SOS and SRC

Kyon and Taniguchi were spending time together outside on a grassy knoll on their lunch period. They usually ate indoors, but today was such a nice day that the duo decided to eat out. Oh, and Taniguchi had just found out that Haruhi controlled the universe two weeks ago along with basically every other secret that they kept. He actually took it pretty well.

Kyon had asked how he had deduced it, all Taniguchi could say was that it involved a gypsy, a fortune-cookie, a rocket-scientist, extensive time spent with Tsuruya, YouTube, and Google.

All in all, it made Taniguchi a hell of a lot more interesting to chat with.

"Man, Kyon, with all the excitement and attention, you get, I'd sure like to be you for a day!" Taniguchi marveled as they ate.

Kyon nearly spat out his drink. "Excuse me? You'd want to be me?"

"Well, yeah! You always have cool adventures and get to schmooze around as Suzumiya's number one boy-toy! Who wouldn't want that?" Taniguchi grinned, elbowing Kyon in the ribs.

Kyon smacked the ladies man's arm away, grit his teeth, and nicely said, "You'd wanna be me for a day? You want to know what deep shit I'm in EVERY day? I'll tell you right this minute, Taniguchi. You know how many guys would want to be me for a week? A day? An hour? MILLIONS? And ya know what? They are all a bunch of FUCKING morons! You don't know the physical, emotional, and mental trauma I sustain _every_ day! I'm the center of a freaking love Bermuda Triangle between an emotionless, artificial, clingy bibliophile from space who could outright tentacle-rape me any time she could in a sealed-off room, an always smiling, tricky, touchy-feely esper who MIGHT be after my sister and hates my personal space-bubble, and a big-breasted, tea-making, whiney time-traveler who I was okay with at first until I discovered that she and her elder self DO know each other and are planning to eventually brainwash me into becoming their sex-salve one day! And if THAT isn't enough, they are all led by a bunny-suit-wearing, tsundere, caffeine-fueled, bipolar bitch of a genki girl who constantly tries to have sex with me every 5.493 seconds when she isn't kicking the crap out of me! Oh, and did I mention the lovely fact that she can BLOW UP THE ENTIRE FREAKING UNIVERSE IF I EVER SO MUCH AS BREATHE NEAR ANOTHER WOMAN? YOU KNOW HOW STRESSFUL THIS IS? NO, BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T!"

Taniguchi wiped the spittle off his hair and face, and then narrowed his eyes into poisonous slits. "Do I know how that feels... Kyon, I'm basically used as the go-to abuse victim in this place. The chances of me being in a lemony romance fic are nil to zip! My hair is fucking SILVER! I look _old_! Suzumiya treats me like crap! Your friends ignore me when I try to act like a normal, dumb teenage guy, and you think it's FUNNY when I'm abused or made a mockery of! And guess what else? I've just been recently forced to join a club that is made up of a cheese-snarfing, gluttonous, half-cat, yakuza princess, my other best friend who can blend in like a chameleon and used to harbor a man-crush on you, but now is after me for some reason, a bland, sleepy-eyed, incredibly vain wallflower who once tried to violate me in the bathroom in several illegal ways, and our old class representative that I oh so loved... UNTIL I FOUND OUT SHE WAS A PSYCHOTIC, KNIFE-LOVING, INVINCIBLE YANDERE FROM SPACE WHO FREQUENTLY ISN'T SURE IF SHE WANTS TO KILL ME, DATE ME, EAT ME, OR RAPE ME! SO WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF THAT HIGH-HORSE OF YOURS, KYON, AND GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

Kyon shut his gaping jaw and gulped. "I'm... I'm... I'm sorry?" He got up and hastily ran off with his things, throwing back glances as though Taniguchi was planning on chasing him.

With Kyon now out of his sight, Taniguchi finished his lunch and decided to lie down on the grass. Reflecting on his conversation, he supposed Kyon DID have it worse off than he did.

_Still..._ he thought with a smirk, _It sure was nice to just go and vent like that._ With a sigh, Taniguchi shut his eyes, a quick nap before class started again. Just for a few minutes...

...That was until he felt a drop of saliva splatter on his forehead. Faster than he could blink, he was only too aware that his four friends/clubmates/stalkers were standing above him, peering down at him with almost longing expressions.

"Hello, Tanigcuhi," Ryoko purred pleasantly, a disturbing gleam in her ocean-blue eyes. "Lovely weather today, isn't it? We _missed_ you, you know?"

Tsuruya slid a tongue over her exposed fang and smacked her lips, Emiri giggled psychotically though a closed-eyed smile, and Kunikida gave out a lopsided smirk as he snapped the whip clenched between his two hands.

Taniguchi burst into tears.

After that, the rest of the week was fairly uneventful.

Except for Taniguchi's therapy, which he attended three times a week at 3:30 in the afternoon every chance he got after school was over.

* * *

**A/N: Dedicated to my good friend and one of my favorite reviewers, Cha-Cha Cheesecake and her fic "The Alternate Endings of Haruhi Suzumiya". Check out her chapters about the SRC Brigade (Social Reject Crusaders) to get a better understanding of what I'm talking about here. It's an awesome story. :D **

**And, yes. Feel sorry for Taniguchi. :( **


	12. Passing by with Coffee

"Well, well... Sonou Mori. Fancy seeing you here," Kyouko stated cutely, waltzing into the empty Starbucks.

Mori glared at Kyouko from underneath her goofy visor, her green apron tied around her waist tightly. "I'm trying to do my job here. What do you want? "

Looking over her shoulder, the younger esper spotted the telltale ribbons and shock of purple hair belonging to the group of people chatting across the street. "Yes, your_ job_. I had no idea this place was another one of your hangouts. I simply came for a cup of coffee before I have to go to a meeting. That's not a crime... is it?"

Mori returned Kyouko's saccharine smile with one of her own. "What can I get for you?"

"What do you have?"

"...Coffee. It's a STARBUCKS. Not a Baskin Robbins."

Kyouko frowned, then suddenly grew a mischievous smile before saying, "I meant, what kind of drinks do you have? You have a list on the overhead menu above your head, but I just _can't_ seem to make out the wording from here. Surely it would be okay if you read out the list for me. Otherwise, you might have a disgruntled customer that might cause enough commotion to attract _unwanted_ attention from _across_ the street~..."

"We have decaf and black..." Mori hissed, still wearing her plastic smile, and clutching a spork in her fist.

"I'm pretty sure you have more than THAT," Kyouko replied, her smile widening.

The spork snapped in half. "We also have Mocha Jocha, Jocha Mocha, Java Mocha, Mocha Java, Lava Mocha, Mocha Lava, Molten Magma Mocha Mix, Nut Cream, Cream Nut, Sugar Nut, Hazel Nut, Pine Nut, Pine Mocha, Mocha Cream, Java Nut, Chai Eggnog, the twelve ounce Clown Food Frappe, Oreo-mix, M&M-mix, Vanilla with Wafers, Hot-fudge and Whipped-cream Swirls, the Mochachina Espresso of Death..."

**Eight Minutes Later...**

Mori gasped for air as Kyouko nonchalantly examined her fingernails. "Have you... decided... yet?"

Kyouko flicked a piece of nonexistent dirt away. "I'm sorry, what? I didn't quite hear you. Could you say them again?"

"AGAIN? I've repeated the list SIX times! And just when is this meeting of yours?" Mori rasped thirstily. She was starting to understand why that Fujiwara kid was always sneering around the uppity girl.

"But I still haven't decided yet... Oh, fine, I'll just have a regular old frappe. Thanks again for all your help!" Kyouko chirped, watching Mori hastily prep the drink. "Oh, I don't think you have noticed, but Haruhi Suzumiya and her friends seem to have left already. Two minutes ago, I think. While you were going over the line-up of scones for the fourth time. Must have forgotten to say something."

Mori made an almost animalistic sound from deep in her throat, froze, reached down for something (her back hid her work), poured and stirred, and handed Kyouko a fresh frappe. The pigtailed teen took it, eyed it suspiciously, then took a small sip. Mori looked on curiously as Kyoko sniffed the drink and turned to look up at her.

"Is there a problem?"

"What did you do? You put something in this! I know it..."

"I didn't do anything to your beverage, miss. I didn't poison it or anything. Just a little water to help it mix well. Feel free to fill out a survey on our hospitality if you desire. May I have my pay now?"

"..." Kyouko practically slammed her money down and walked out of the shop. Drink in hand and straw in her mouth. Mori waved after her and then sat down on a stool.

The maid smiled serenely, counted up the exact change, and began to drink from the flask she kept hidden under her apron in emergencies. "Well, it has water IN it. Hee hee hee~..."

Sometime later that day, in an undisclosed meeting with a group of espers that shall remain nameless, Kyouko Tachibana swayed, slurred, spun, and sprayed most of her guts over the laps of several high-ranking executives.

Like Mikuru, she never could hold her liquor.

* * *

**A/N: That ol' Mori. :3 Thanks to my friends for coffee names.  
**


	13. Yandere Off

Ryoko Asakura was having a very good morning. After being revived for a vague plot point to make things interesting, her life was going pretty cool. She had her cool new apartment, Haruhi was now always chatting to her, she had boosted her relations with Kyon, and she'd successfully made progress in befriending Kuyou Suou as a step in getting to know the Sky Canopy Dominion better. So happy with her current way of life, that she had decided to take the scenic route on the way to school. All was good for our favorite alien.

The trouble didn't start until she reached the seemingly empty park.

"Well, well... the black widow herself has wandered into the open."

"Hmmm?" Ryoko looked for the source of the sound. "Who's there?"

A sultry laugh was heard, before a girl with sharp pink hair, red eyes, and wearing a red top and yellow skirt with a green cap on her head rose from out of the canal nearby, supported by several ghostly-looking hands. "Don't I even warrant a hello, Asakura?"

Ryoko narrowed her eyes, but kept her smile. "Hello, Lucy. Nice to see you clean for once."

Lucy growled and readied one of her 'vectors' to strike like a cobra, until an oily voice spoke up. "Now, now, Lucy, you must forgive Asakura. After all..." Another pink-haired girl with her twin-tails done up in red ribbons and a blue sailor uniform stepped out from behind a tree, clutching a large axe behind her back. "...you know how bad she is with people. Like her old friends for instance."

"At least I do not stalk them, Gasai," Ryoko smirked.

"HA! The black widow talks big!" A girl with her green hair in a ponytail and a knife in her hand jumped down from a tree, a shapely girl with very long violet hair and a doizuki landing right next to her. "...She won't be talking so big now that she's in a hive full of angry hornets!"

"Tee hee... How right you are..." the girl with violet hair said, giving Ryoko an empty-eyed smile.

The blunette sighed. "This is about me being "Yandere of the Month" again, isn't it? Shion Sonozaki, Kotonoha Katsura, I thought you two would be more reasonable than that."

Shion snarled and pulled out a rolled-up copy of _The Yummy Yandere _(sporting a winking Ryoko doing the 'V' sign over her right eye), wagging it at Ryoko like you would with a naughty pet."Of course it is! You've been on top for too long now! A whole year! I'm sick of your cute, little, sly, and cherubic face mocking me every time I look up new ways on how to improve my stabbing techniques!"

Ryoko shrugged and smiled cutely. "Can't help it that I am popular!"

"I, too, am disappointed in this. Sekai and I miss being side by side in our photo-shoots! She's ever so depressed," Kotonoha murmured, admiring her saw-blade in the light.

"But that will soon be over." Lucy shredded the magazine apart without even raising a finger. "Since this is the last time you will ever cross us again."

"Poor, poor little Asakura! No one to help her! I hope your fans will still be able to worship your pieces!" cackled Yuno, licking her axe-blade with relish.

"Maybe there will be enough to make another chibi out of what's left!" chuckled Shion as the four of them circled Ryoko like sharks.

"See you in the next life, Asakura. Hope we can still be friends," Kotonoha whispered gently... before breaking into full-blown maniacal laughter.

Groaning, Ryoko placed her schoolbag on the dirt. "Oh, well. I think I can spare a few minutes for you all." She took her combat knife out of thin air and smiled. "Shifting to Termination Mode."

**Twenty Minutes Later...**

Okabe observed the class of 1-5 with a scrutinizing gaze and said, "Well, I guess if everyone is here, then we can get started with today's les-"

The door suddenly slammed open, followed by a sharp intake of air. "Stop! I'm not late!"

Okabe, Haruhi, Kyon, Taniguchi, Kunikida, Sakanaka, and various others gaped at Ryoko's sudden appearance. It wasn't the sight of her being late for once in her life. Oh, no. More like the sight of her trying to pop her dangling left arm back into its socket, while wearing a sailor fuku covered in slash-marks and bloody splatters. With an unsettling _crack_, the appendage popped back into place.

"Now, Okabe, this may look bad, but I can assure you about what REALLY happened!" Ryoko said, waving her arms around like she was performing some kind of secret jutsu.

The class listened as Ryoko poured out a very interesting story involving an old male friend of hers, a girl crashing into her at the shopping district because she stole some taiyaki, hiding with said girl from the taiyaki baker, before finally stopping to help a little old lady and her puppy cross the street.

When she finished, Okabe quirked an eyebrow and sighed. "Let me guess. Got into another bloody brawl with your old pals, managed to cause several billion yen's worth of property damage, won with an epic super-move, and laughed heartily as they limped off while swearing revenge for another day, huh? Even after you said to me that you'd quit that magazine thing, right?"

Ryoko rubbed the back of her head a bit as she giggled a bit. "Ah ha ha ha ha ha... Well, that was awfully specific! What gave me away~?"

**One Minute later...**

And that's how Ryoko Asakura ended up standing outside Class 1-5 for ten minutes, with two metal buckets full of water in her hands, and one on her head.

* * *

**A/N: It shall be said: Ryoko is awesome. Don't you agree? That whole scene with Okabe was inspired by the exploits Konata did in Lucky Star. **

**Also, Lucy is from Elfen Lied, Kotonoha Katsura is from School Days, Shion Sonozaki is from Higurashi, and Yuno Gasai is from Mirai Nikki.**


	14. The Fangirl

"Hey! Hey! Kyon! I found you!" Haruhi shouted as she ran down the hall, schoolbag in hand.

"What do you want?" Kyon bluntly asked. He wasn't up for dealing with Haruhi after a Brigade meeting was over.

"Thanks for taking such an interest," she huffed saucily, regaining her smile a split-second later. "I have some great news for you!"

Kyon tilted his head to the side, quirking an eyebrow. "Let me guess. You've managed to either grow respect for me and Miss Asahina, decided to use YOUR own money for future diner tabs, or have conquered your ridiculous fear of monkeys and bananas. Which is it?"

"EHH? I'M NOT SCARED OF THOSE LAME THINGS, KYON! And besides, you know how deeply afraid I am of chicken and rooster-shaped teapot covers! ...Those AND Oscar Wilde!" Haruhi cried goofily, shifting her looks from side to side.

"Err, sure... What is it you needed again?" Kyon asked.

Haruhi took out a huge stack of stapled papers from out of her bag and forced them into Kyon's face. "Remember that cool dating sim intro Yuki made? Well, I was so inspired by it that I created a novelized version of it! I even used our names for the characters! And I added in all these touches of drama, romance, comedy, sci-fi, horror, angst, and tragedy into it! It's totally awesome! But I want you to proof-read it for me. Read through as much of it as you can tonight for some feedback! See you tomorrow for the results!" And with that, Haruhi flounced out of Kyon's sight.

"But... But... But..." Kyon dropped the stack of eight light-novels' worth of papers to the floor and began to pick them all up, scowling. "Fifty chapters? Oh, brother..."

**The Next Day...**

"Well, Kyon? What did you think of my genius writing? Pretty impressive, huh?" Haruhi asked her menial tasks boy in homeroom.

Rather than snark at Haruhi or ignore her like he always did, Kyon actually gave her a friendly look and said, "To tell you the truth, Haruhi... I really enjoyed the story. I only managed to get to chapter ten of it, but until then I had trouble putting it down. The characterizations were spot-on, the plotting was well-paced, the humor was even with the amount of dark undertones, that one twist had me surprised, and the angst was heaped on enough to the point where it didn't even feel forced or corny. That's a lot of talent in making several different genres fit in well together. You have a lot of potential to be a great novelist one day, Haruhi."

So pleased was Haruhi, that she even had the grace to blush somewhat. "T-Thanks for saying all that, Kyon... Anyways, that's just the printed copy. I'm going to change everyone's names later on in the revised version though. I actually have a saved copy on our hard-drive. In fact, I even have a draft for a second story! Maybe even upload them on one of those websites you hear about these days... Fanfiction dot something... " the tsundere murmured, a spark in her eye.

"Someone's been busy," Kyon said with a smile. "Hey, you don't think I could se-"

Haruhi thrust the papers into Kyon's chest before he could even finish. "I thought you would _never_ ask!"

Kyon beamed and began to eagerly leaf through the papers... before his blood ran as cold as a penguin's foot.

"...WHAT IN THE UNHOLY FUCK!" Kyon screeched, stabbing his index finger at the biggest paragraph of the third page. "HARUHI, WHY THE FUCKING HELL ARE FUJIWARA AND KOIZUMI FRENCH-KISSING EACH OTHER TO FORM A SACRED BOND BEFORE GOING TO RESCUE ME FROM ARAKAWA'S ANCIENT WEDDING CEREMONY IN HIS DARK CASTLE? AND WHY IS KUNIKIDA PREGNANT WITH NAKAGAWA'S BABY AFTER CHEATING ON TANIGUCHI!"

Haruhi's face reddened as she clasped both sides of her face and squealed out, "BECAUSE IT SWITCHES INTO A STEAMY YAOI AND MPREG FIC~! JUST WAIT UNTIL THE BIG ORGY SCENE COMES UP~!"

Understandably, Kyon ran out of class and spent the rest of the day locked in his bathroom, curled up like a frightened pillbug in the tub.

* * *

**A/N: Let's face it, that Haruhi-chan dating sim opening was awesome... then got creepy when it stated there was a path if you had an old person fetish. Yech... **

**Blame Unencyclopedia for the Oscar Wilde gag. **


	15. A Cheesey Problem 1

One fine and uber day, the SOS Brigade were having a special bake sale to raise money for Haruhi's unending greediness. The auditorium had been allowed by the Student Council as place of operations for the baked goods to be handed out. Since it was an afterschool thing, Kyon got to have Imouto come along to have a few cookies and help decorate the tables. Pies, cookies, and brownies were there, too. The centerpiece for the event was a huge eight-layer cheesecake Yuki had baked, complete with giant strawberries of her own creation and whipped cream. However, all were on edge apparently.

"Mikuru, you made sure not to tell you-know-who, right?" Haruhi nervously asked Mikuru.

"Indeed. It would be a shame for all of Miss Nagato's hard work to go to waste..." Itsuki said, looking around.

Mikuru nodded and sighed. "I did my best to keep it from her, but I don't know..."

"I happened to take a few precautions beforehand," Yuki answered in a smarmy way. "Using the help of an old friend, I ensured all possible routes to this room are inaccessible to-"

A bruised and black-eyed Ryoko suddenly dashed into the room, slamming the auditorium doors shut before running up to a baffled Yuki. "IT'S TOO LATE, NAGATO! _IT'S_ COMING! THE HORROR! EVERYTHING I DID... IT COULDN'T STOP THE BEAST!" Ryoko clung onto Yuki's shoulders and sobbed into her chest.

"What? This... This... This cannot be!" Yuki screamed out in front of the confused onlookers.

Mikuru sighed sadly and looked down at her watch, counting slowly down to three.

_**BAM! **_

"DID SOMEONE CALL FOR THE HUMAN GARBAGE DISPOSAL? AND DO I SMELL CHEESECAKE!" a crazed voice shouted out, her leg still raised in the air from kicking the doors in.

The SOS Brigade, Imouto, and Ryoko screamed in sheer terror. "OH, NO! NOT _**TSURUYA**_!"

With a fiendish chuckle, Tsuruya launched herself several feet into the air. Contorting herself into a tight, human ball, she inexplicably back-flipped twenty times in the air before swan-diving head-first into the giant cheesecake. She disappeared completely into the mammoth dessert. Miraculously, it held together. Then in a twisted parody in the miracle of life, Tsuruya erupted out of the cheesecake's top layer, laugh maliciously with her hands over her head as though she had made the winning touchdown in a football game.

"CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE, CHEESE, CHEESE... CAAAAKE~!" She took out a massive bite of cake and gurgled happily. "All for Tsuruya-saaaan~..."

"My cake..." mourned Yuki, eyes glistening with tears.

"Can I have some cheesecake?" Imouto questioned, moving her fork near the mound of creamy goodness. Tsuruya saw this out of the corner of her eye, stopped gnawing on a strawberry as big as an orange, and grabbed Imouto's hand by the wrist, so she could send a soul-crushing stare into her eyes.

"**IF YOU TOUCH THE CAKE, I WILL RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB... AND THAT'S JUST ME GIVING YOU A **_**NICE **_**DEATH!**" Tsuruya hissed, spraying saliva onto the little girl's face. Imouto practically wet herself and skittered to the safety of the arms of her equally-frightened older brother.

Grinning madly, Tsuruya plowed her face directly into the layer of rich dairy below her, making loud moaning sounds all the while. Strawberries, whipped-cream, and cake-crust flew everywhere. Haruhi, Kyon, Yuki, Itsuki, Imouto, Ryoko and all the other guests ran for their lives out of the room, while Tsuruya kept scarfing down the cake like she was a sea monster attacking a busty teen in a B-rated horror movie. Mikuru facepalmed and sighed sadly as Tsuruya continued to shovel the food down, making a mess on the table, and making a complete spectacle of herself.

"**CAKE! HA HA! CAKE! CHEESECAKE!**" Tsuruya guffawed fanatically. "**HA HA HA HA HA! NYOROHOHOHO HA HA HAAAA HEE HEE HAAAAAAAA!**"

* * *

**A/N: Unlike the others, this one little tale is a three-parter. A mini-arc. So, yay! What will happen next? **


	16. A Cheesey Problem 2

"Gee, Yuki! You sure looks megassa mad! Can I help ya?" Tsuruya chirped dumbly. She failed to acknowledge Yuki's hand coiled around her neck as they lay on the grass of the track-field.

"You fucking ATE my cheesecake. You... ate it. It was horrible. It was like watching my own flesh and blood DIE in front of me. You KILLED my baby, you piranha-hyena-crane hybrid!" Yuki hissed dangerously.

Tsuruya nodded and smiled good-naturedly. "Well, yeah, Yuki! It was really yummy! You're supposed to eat cake! I'm still spittin' out the strawberry seeds! Ha ha ha- OUCH, NYORO!"

Yuki had just slammed the girl's head into the dirt, finally giving her the idea not all was well. "That cheesecake was for my friends, you pig. You enjoy your accursed cheese a lot, right? I'm sure you do. You will pay. Mark my words Tsuruya. MARK THEM, FANG-FACE." Then she leaned down and bit Tsuruya's wrist.

"Ouchies!" Tsuruya rubbed her wrist and glared after the fleeting form of Yuki. "What a grump!"

**Later...**

Throughout the entire day, Tsuruya suffered violent bouts of internal distress whenever she tried to eat anything other than cheese. She couldn't even sneak a cheese-cube in class anymore. It always began as a low bubbling in her stomach and then a nauseating feeling in her head before she cupped her mouth and ran for the nearest bathroom or trash can. If she was lucky, she'd throw up her guts. If not...

I'll let you have the pleasure of that mental image.

After a week of this, it donned on Tsuruya that the cheese just _might _be hurting her. But rather than tell her folks or consult a physician, she deiced to handle it herself.

"Is the cheese really hurting me that much? I don't know why I'm so sad. I like food other than cheese, nyoro! Lots of megassa good stuff! I don't have a problem! Me, a cheese-freak? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Tsuruya said as she went into her mansion.

An hour later, Tsuruya was staring at a pile of cheese-bricks, cheese-wedges, cheese-wheels, and loafs of cheese-bread sitting on the once-large counter of her kitchen. It looked very cramped now.

"Okay... I guess I DO have a LOT of cheese. And maybe I DO like cheese a bit too much. Eh heh heh heh... But maybe I can make it through life... without... my precious, yellow, yummy..." Tsuruya laughed weakly and trailed off. She rooted through the pantry one more time in search of proof of her apparent addiction and soon came up with packets of cheese-flavored sugar, cheese-flavored chocolate bars, and lo and behold, a bottle with ingredients on cheese-flavored _water_.

Tsuruya's left eye twitched. "...I REFUSE TO LIVE!"

And with that, Tsuruya hurled herself out the open window to end it all.

Which would have, if not for the kitchen being on the first floor.

**The Next Day...**

"Guys, I'm worried about Tsuruya! She's acting really funny!" Haruhi said in the clubroom to the Brigadiers.

"Lucky Star funny or Azumanga Daioh funny?" asked Itsuki.

Haruhi grimaced. "Azumanga."

"Oh, dear, me..." Itsuki frowned deeply. "This IS bad."

"Tsuruya acting funny? How so, Miss Suzumiya?" wondered Mikuru.

"Well, first she tried to slit her throat with a plastic knife. Then she stuck her head in a drinking-fountain and had to be pulled out. Then she went to the Home-Economics class and stuck her whole upper torso in an oven. People freaked out until they discovered it was an electric oven that was off," Haruhi explained. The others gasped in shock.

"But what would make Tsuruya wanna kill herself?" whined Mikuru.

"Don't know. But she's been screaming about cheese each time. I left her tied up in the Computer Club. Better check on her before she chews through the ropes or swallows her tongue. Be right back!" Haruhi ran out the door. Kyon slowly put two and two together, and turned to the still-reading Yuki, a stern look on his visage.

"Nagato...? Did you do something to Tsuruya?" Kyon said slowly. Yuki looked up and smiled faintly. It was spooky.

"Oh, nothing at all, my friends... Unless you count me changing Tsuruya's genetic make-up with my nano-machines in order to make her lactose-intolerant that is." Yuki then threw back her head and unloaded a storm of bone-chilling laughter as thunder and lightning boomed about... Until Kyon bopped her over the head with Haruhi's megaphone. "Owwie."

"This is hardly a laughing matter, Nagato! With her sanity already at a low point, who knows what else Tsuruya is capable of!" dreaded Kyon. He was answered when Haruhi appeared by the door, dragging a screaming Tsuruya along the ground by her feet. Assisting the tsundere were Taniguchi and Kunikida, strands of green hair in their hands.

"I don't wanna go to the nurse! Let me be! I don't wanna live anymore! Let me diiiiiiiiiiiiie! Nyorooooooo!" yowled Tsuruya, clawing at the tiles and vanishing from sight. The remaining SOS turned to stare at Yuki.

"Well, I'll admit, I went a _tad _overboard in my punishment of Tsuruya. But what's done is done. I'm not reversing the ailment I placed on her. Not now, not ever," Yuki huffed indignantly, crossing her arms and shifting her gaze out the window.

"Nagato and Tsuruya can't keep fighting forever! We need to do something... and fast!" Kyon said in a panic.

Itsuki furrowed his brow. "But what?"

Mikuru scratched her chin a bit, before a sly look made its way onto her face. "I think I may have the perfect plan~! ...And I think I look really cute when I'm scheming. Hee hee hee hee..."

For the first time in her life, Yuki was afraid of Mikuru.

* * *

**A/N: Kudos to Greg Zerich for providing me with the ammunition for the lactose-intolerant and cheese jokes. He is great like that. **

**And happy Endless Eight, everyone. :3 **

**...NOT! **


	17. A Cheesey Problem 3

Mikuru's plan was short, simple, and sweet: Get Tsuruya and Yuki together in the same room, lock them in, and they will automatically resolve their differences. Sure, it wasn't the most well thought out plan, nor was it original, or even all that smart, but the others wanted to try it out to make the red-head feel good. Once Haruhi had been given a phony task to do, Tsuruya was easy enough to capture. Yuki would require better cunning...

"Oh, Miss Nagato~! Look at me~!" cooed the sweet voice of Mikuru from down the hall as Yuki walked by the Brigade room.

"What do you...?" Yuki froze, unsure of what to say.

Why? For you see, guys, Mikuru was wearing a skintight purple leotard with giant yellow and pink butterfly-wings on the back, and a pair of springy antennas glued on a headband. Also, she was holding her throwing baton with a star made out of paper glued onto the tip. It was covered in silver glitter.

"Miss Asahina, what are you doing?" asked Yuki, mesmerized by how stupid the mascot looked. Kyon, Itsuki, and Ryoko shared her confusion with dropped jaws.

Mikuru twirled the sparkly 'wand' in her hand and let out a creepy giggle. "Silly Nagato... I AM THE FRIENDSHIP-FAIRY~! And I am here today to help you patch things up with Tsuruya! Come along now!" Mikuru squealed, taking the horrified-Yuki by the hand and dragging her back in front of the clubroom door. The other three followed them.

"Miss Asahina, I am not making amends with that troglodyte," Yuki stated, stopping just in front of the door where the time-traveler/fairy wanted her at.

"I see..."

And before you could say, "I've been had! Nyeh!", Mikuru smacked Yuki right in the face with the wand, glitter getting right into her eyes. Gasping at the pain and clutching at her impaired vision, Mikuru quickly hip-checked the stunned alien into the clubroom with the puzzled Tsuruya.

"Hey, Tsuruya? Miss Nagato was the one who made you unable to eat cheese anymore, because she put nano-machines in you," Mikuru gently whispered into her friend's ear. Yuki's head snapped up just as Tsuruya snapped out of her depressive state.

"WHAT!" Tsuruya roared, while Mikuru ran out and slammed the clubroom door shut.

Slapping the heavy padlock over the handle in the hallway, Mikuru practically sang out, "And the two of you are not coming out until you kiss and make up~!"

"Please do!" encouraged a yuri-happy Ryoko, while Kyon sighed.

"...So what's with the costume?" Itsuki finally said.

Mikuru shrugged. "I like feeling whimsical when I plan things."

**Four Hours Later...**

After a daring game of Crazy Eights, the gang opened the door after the repeated swearing of Mikuru's name had died down. Instead of a bloodbath, they found Yuki and Tsuruya sitting across from each other at the table. Tsuruya had her head in a large pot of fondue and Yuki was smiling cheerfully. Why neither girl had just broken down the door in the first place was going to remain a great mystery for life...

"What's going on? You two were ready to kill each other moments," Kyon pointed out.

Yuki shook her head. "Not anymore, Kyon. Tsuruya and I are friends again. We talked for a bit and saw how ridiculous we were acting. I also may have toned down Tsuruya's cheese-fetish _just _a bit when I cured her. Only a little. Cross my heart and hope to fade away."

Tsuruya lifted her goofy head out of the pot, licked the cheese that should have been literally cooking her face, and belched deeply before sighing orgasmically. "Yeah... We talked and made up... I gaves Yuki a lifetime's subscription to _Gundams and Lolis Weekly _with my connections, and she gave me this never-ending fondue-pot in return... Megassa nyoro~n..." Tsuruya returned to nursing her savory pot of cheese.

"Hey! Everything okay here?" asked Haruhi, suddenly appearing in the room from the phony errand Mikuru had sent her on. Something about cucumbers.

"Indeed they are, Miss Suzumiya. All thanks to Miss Asahina's out-of-the-box thinking," smiled Itsuki. The tsundere grinned in approval.

"Well..." said Haruhi, dusting her hands off for no particular reason and heading out the door. "My work here is done."

"What? You didn't DO anything, you sack of stupid!" Mikuru yelled after their leader. Like always, Haruhi pretended not to hear.

"So you and Tsuruya are good for now?" questioned Kyon.

In response, Tsuruya leapt from her fondue pot and embraced Yuki in a hug, her head in the crook of her neck. "Yuppers, Kyon! Best friends for life! We ain't gonna be fightin' for a long time, nyoro!"

"Please do not touch me like this all the time. I have a reputation to keep," Yuki deadpanned as Tsuruya continued to snuggle her.

Ryoko snorted in annoyance and looked away, crossing her arms. "Well, that's all well and good, but it sure doesn't help out with _my _problem!"

"Oh? What is wrong, Miss Asakura?" Itsuki asked, wondering what could be troubling the homicidal extraterrestrial.

Ryoko smirked. "Well, from this day forward, I, Ryoko Asakura, simply cannot find the will to stab people anymore! I have lost my motivation to wreak havoc and cause semi-fatal injuries! And I don't care! Not one of you is going to help me, and that is that!"

Upon hearing this, Mikuru slid between Itsuki and Ryoko, wearing a closed-eyed smile, and stroking her chin. "Hmmmmmmm... Miss Asakura doesn't like stabbing people anymore, does she? Fear not, Miss Asakura! For I, Mikuru Asahina, shall help you solve this terrible prob- KYAAAH! Kyon, stop that! What are you doing?"

Kyon continued to walk away from the confused group, Mikuru's left earlobe in his hand as he led her away. "Miss Asahina, while I admire your enthusiasm to help others, there are some things in this world that must be left unfixed. _This _is one of those things."

* * *

**A/N: See, folks? When people fight, lock them in a room together for a while, and they work out their differences! :D**

**...Or kill each other. Either way, you don't have crap to deal with anymore! And sorry for the lateness. Family had to take me to the icky beach. ARGH. **


	18. Splish Splash

Kyon was a typical every day guy, who often hung out with not-so every day people. But even the most fantastic of folks have to take care of that urge, so after filling up his bladder with tea, Kyon headed to make a deposit in the boys' restroom. Little did he know that someone else was already there.

"Hey, Taniguchi," Kyon called out half-heartedly.

"Errrr, heeeey," Taniguchi replied, not looking up from his task at hand.

Kyon shrugged, set his schoolbag down, and went to go use the urinal beside Taniguchi. Soon enough, the telltale signs of bathroom activity could be heard.

"How was your day? We barely saw one another earlier," Kyon asked calmly as he emptied out a mix of tea and juice. Because no one drinks tea made by the wonderful Mikuru Asahina- you just rent it for a while! Ha, classic.

"Yeah, I'm doing just fine. Tried to look for some new clubs. Thinking of joining and stuff," the boy with silver and blackish hair answered. For some reason, Kyon noted Taniguchi's tone seemed a lot lower than it usually did.

"Joining a new club? For girls, I assume. Try to find one that isn't as crazy as mine."

"Mmmhmm... Will do."

After ten seconds of awkward bathroom sounds and silence, Kyon said, "Taniguchi, are you okay? You're acting a little-"

"Kyon, I am a bit on edge because of what you have done."

"Huh? What did I do?"

Taniguchi gave Kyon a serious look and announced in a deadpan voice, "You have broken the unspoken rule of the Splash-Zone, Kyon. I hope you are happy with yourself!"

Kyon raised an eyebrow. "The what now? Isn't it that thing from Sea World?"

"No, no, not THAT Splash-Zone! I'm talking about this Splash-Zone! There is an unwritten bathroom rule that states that if it can't be helped, two dudes should always have one urinal separating them from each other. It prevents awkward junk-related incidents and any liquid-based mishaps. By violating this sacred rule, you have penetrated my personal space-bubble and comfort-zone. The country of yours truly has been invaded. That's a pretty serious offense, my friend!" Had his hands been free, the ladies man would have been gesturing flamboyantly with them.

"...So in short, me peeing next to you is making you uncomfortable?"

"...Yes."

_Oh, great, _Kyon thought sourly. _As stupid as it sounds, I've ignored the proper rules of bathroom etiquette._ _Now I've pretty much become the Koizumi of my only group of normal friends. Yuck. _Never mind the fact that Kyon should be considering on how weird it was that he and Taniguchi were still able to talk so well while peeing. That, and how they apparently possessed bladders the size of watermelons. But anyway...

"Hey, it's not like I'm going to look down or... So you been good?" asked Kyon, quickly changing the subject.

"Can't complain," Taniguchi responded, shooting him a quick side-stare at face-level. "Girls have been pretty boring lately, grades have been okay, and Kunikida is... Yeah."

"Hmmmm? What about Kunikida? I haven't heard from him in a while. How is he?"

"He's been kinda odd lately."

"Odd? Like plain odd or Haruhi odd?"

Taniguchi pursed his lips as he neared the end of his activity. "Like Suzumiya but... creepier. Like more subtle."

Kyon couldn't imagine how the meek and soft-spoken Kunikida could ever creep anyone out. "More subtle than Haruhi? I didn't even think that it was possible to be that weird." The cynic let out a snicker.

"Hey, I'm not as creepy or weird as Suzumiya," a new voice piped up.

Kyon and Taniguchi froze like trout under a pond during winter. They both peered down and saw that crouched between the two of them on the tiled floor, was none other than Kunikida. He was on his knees and looking up with an innocent expression. The silence was so awkward that it hastily retreated and left its cell-phone number outside the door on a Post-it note.

"Sooooooooooooo..." Kunikida began slowly, tapping his fingers against the sides of his face as his friends shot him accusatory and odd looks. "How about those foreskins- I mean, **REDSKINS**! Eh heh heh heh heh heh... Crap. "

A moment later, a snarker and a pervert were chasing after an even bigger, snarkier pervert.

* * *

**A/N: Done for my good friend, Cha-Cha-Cheesecake, who is somewhat like a younger sister to me in my internet family tree. :3 Hope you liked this bathroom zaniness! **

**And if none of you have noticed by now, I like making Kunikida act weird in my work. He just WORKS that way. Ha. **


	19. TMOHS Lazily Summarized in 10 Words

"Penalty!"

"Yare yare..."

"Piiiiiiiiiiiii~!"

"Lulz."

"Wa wa wasuremono..."

"Nyoro!"

"Bitch."

* * *

**A/N: Sad that it's kinda true, huh? **


	20. You Can Lead a Tsundere to Water

The Computer Club President liked to think of himself as a pretty simple dude with pretty simple life. But unfortunately, when you know a person like Haruhi Suzumiya, your life isn't so simple anymore.

"You want me to do _what_ again?"

"I already said it! And it's only for a little while!"

TCCP put down the pool-cleaner he was carrying, and sent a perplexed stare at his tormentor, who had the gall to bug him at this time in the early noon. "Suzumiya, I'm trying to do my job here. This isn't school. Go take a dunk in a lake or something! I'm not your baby-sitter! If you want to take a dip in this public pool, wait until it opens like everyone else."

Haruhi glared at TCCP and crossed her arms over the multicolored heart-print bikini she was wearing. "Hey! My team beat you and your goons fair and square in that computer game last time! I own you! You're the vassals of the SOS Brigade and I will treat you as such!"

He would have put up a bit more of a fight, but the young technician's eyes were currently distracted by certain areas that Haruhi's swimsuit was currently... _enhancing. _"... Oh, fine. Yeah, yeah ,yeah, blah, blah, blah..." the blond grumbled, giving up and stalking away to the equipment shed. "_Just don't contaminate it so much..._"

That last part having been just a whisper, Haruhi smiled and skipped away to the edge of the pool. The web-surfer allowed himself to sneak a glance at her perky behind bouncing off in her swimsuit, before whirling back around. Though he had to admit Haruhi was slightly attractive, he really didn't feel like getting disemboweled by her on such a hot day. Walking down the steps, Haruhi was soon waist deep in the cool water. Paddling over to the side, Haruhi observed her makeshift-man-slave as he unknotted a hose in the plain metal shed.

"Ahh! Nothing like a swim without any screaming kids or old people around! So... how long have you been a pool-boy for?" she asked, kicking up some water.

TCCP turned around from his task and said, "Just a couple of weeks. I needed the money and they needed a spare hand to help around. I just clean up gunk in the water and put stuff away. My boss is out getting some cleaning stuff for the pool."

A cheerful grin. "Well, you should be glad that you have my company then!"

_I should have left those wasps floating around in there. She could have touched one earlier and swelled up... _TCCP thought with a Fujiwara-esque sneer.

Haruhi continued to paddle around and follow him from the confines of the pool. Ducking under the surface, she blew a few bubbles out like a fish and rose to the surface of the pool before twirling around in the water. TCCP had to admit that Haruhi was a good swimmer from his point of view. It was when he got to the far side where the water went from light blue to dark aqua, that he saw that Haruhi hadn't tried to follow him anymore. She seemed to be eying the area cautiously.

"Why are you way over there?"

"...No reason."

He raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You look kinda nervous, too. Are you scared or something of the deep end?"

Haruhi scrunched up her face and ducked under the water, rising back up again four seconds later, her hair and ribbons sticking to her skin. "I just don't like hanging out near the deep ends of pools unless other people are around."

TCCP allowed himself a small smile. "Awwww. Suzumiya gets lonely after all." He walked over to where she was floating and stooped down to stare at her from what he deemed a safe distance. "There's nothing there but water. It's perfectly safe. No serpents, undead pirate-ghosts, or kappas."

Haruhi dog-paddled up close to her vassal and put her arms on the cooled-off concrete, a steely gaze in her eyes."Are you nuts? What if some underwater-dwelling, hard-shelled, saw-toothed, tentacled, spike-covered sea-beast is in hiding in that end? If I go over, I'm fish-food! I'll get pulled down to a watery grave by my foot and the very last sensation I'll feel before water fills my lungs will be some monster jamming his beak up my butt and slurping up my intestines like a cup of ramen! What then, prez? WHAT THEN!" she cried incredulously.

"...Wow. That was the most disgusting thing I have heard all week. Thank you, Suzumiya. I'd swim with you, I guess. But I got things to do."

Smirking, TCCP got up and began to turn around. Big mistake on his part. Haruhi's hand moved like a snake and soon had him by the ankle. A single yank was all it took.

_Sploosh. _

"What the hell is wrong with you!" he spluttered, getting water up his nose. Ugh. That was the worst feeling in the whole freaking universe. Lucky he was only in a T-shirt and shorts already.

"Watching you walk around is boring! You should be having fun! Swim with me! I'll swim near the deep end if you're with me! It won't be as creepy with someone to hang around with!" Haruhi begged, playfully splashing him a bit. "Please, please, please, please-"

"IF I DO, WILL YOU PROMISE TO SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE?"

"I'm gonna forget you just said that. Now would I _ever _break a promise?"

**Two Hours Later... **

TCCP had never been to hell before, but he was pretty sure this was the definition of it.

Due to Haruhi's rather _unique _personality, the poor boy had already had to 'save' the eccentric girl at least three times from floundering in the deep part of the pool when she said that she thought something had grabbed her foot. This further supported the theory of his that Haruhi was half-cat, or at least shared several traits of the feline persuasion. Not only that, but she had basically been ordering him around the whole time, criticizing his swimming, and asking if he had ever fished any dead bodies out of the water. Despite his attempts to brush her off, Haruhi had to smile at the whole ordeal. It was a lot more fun to swim around when you had an audience to show off for. After much swimming, TCCP climbed out, wondering what the hell was taking his boss so long to get some cleaning supplies. Behind the young man, Haruhi let out a whoop of joy.

"I did it! Did ya see me? Did ya? I swam in the deep end! I kicked that pool's ass! I did it! Yes! YES! Thanks~!" Haruhi practically squealed, pulling herself out of the water and running at him. Normally, he'd say something about the importance of pool safety, such as not running around the rim when the pool is wet. But the poor guy had bigger problems to worry about...

...Like having a half-naked, sopping wet, long-legged girl smash right into him with the force of a grizzly bear. He had to thank god that his head landed on the towel he had set down on the ground from before, or he would have split it open like an egg. TCCP would have tried to resist more, but it was difficult, what with what was contained underneath Haruhi's top now squishing wetly against his own torso. He'd be lying to himself if he didn't say he had fantasized about this feeling. Stupid feminine wiles.

"Hey!" Haruhi said, pinning him down by his arms like a hungry Sphinx. "You're a really good swimmer! You could teach Kyon and Mikuru a thing or two! I can bring them down here when it gets hot! Free swimming lessons! Won't that be great?"

"...Joy."

"Yay~! C'mon! Let's play Marco Polo! It'll be fun!"

"What? But I hate that game! And get off of me! You're crushing me!"

"I don't weight that much, nerd! You need to liven up!"

"I'll MAKE you get off! WHERE'S MY POOL-CLEANER?"

"Ow! You pushed me! Hey! GET BACK HERE! You better not have flipped me off!"

Even as he ran in circles around the pool from her, TCCP had to admit it. Haruhi sure did make life less pretty or simple. But it was sure as hell a lot more exciting.

* * *

**A/N: I was asked to do a kinda summer-themed crack chapter for Gladiator Beast MCK that featured Haruhi and TCCP. He's like a wimpier, pettier Kyon in some ways. Makes him more fun to write. Hope you all liked it. :)**

**And Haruhi/TCCP is funny no matter which way you look at it. **


	21. Ryoko is a Love Machine

Kyon wasn't afraid of Ryoko Asakura anymore. Oh, no.

A couple of months ago, she had managed to somehow piece herself back together again from the emptiness of cyberspace, and reentered the world of the living. Yuki and Emiri were quick to catch her, and after a bout of installing new programs into her, Ryoko was deemed fit to walk among society once again. Feeding Haruhi an excuse about Canada not being to her liking, Ryoko was welcomed back with open arms. She joined school the next day after going to bunk with Emiri. Kyon wasn't all too ready to welcome her just yet, due to his hatred of all things metallic and pointy. But through a series of events that would likely make an interesting twenty or so chapter fanfic that would likely earn over 100 reviews, Ryoko and Kyon became the best of friends. They had lunch together, exchanged AIM names, stood in line for concert tickets, flamed bad movies they saw on their shared blog, and made fun of a Stephanie Myer book signing.

So when Emiri came around to see him after a meeting, Kyon was understandably worried. When something involved Emiri, it was usually something serious with the IDTE. And with the circumstances involving Ryoko, he wouldn't put it past that she might be in some sort of trouble and reverting back to her old ways. Her old _stabby _ways.

"I thought it would be best if Nagato wasn't informed yet," Emiri said as they entered her apartment. Passing by the bathroom, Kyon saw a pile of wet towels bundled up in the corner of the tub.

"Ummmm..." Kyon hummed to himself.

"Asakura has been taking quite a lot of cold showers lately," Emiri answered without even turning her head.

"Ahhhh," Kyon replied with a hint of curiosity, stopping behind Emiri as she came to a stop in front of the blue door that led to Ryoko's room. "What kind of problem is Asakura having?"

Emiri turned to face the sarcastic monologuer and said, "A few weeks ago, Ryoko Asakura was given a few more upgrades to her coding by our superiors. Much of the upgrade consisted of programs that would enhance her ability to interact with humans and how to relate. Unfortunately, one of the programs contained a glitch."

"A glitch? What kind of glitch? And what was the program?"

"Supposedly, if there ever came a time when the IDTE came to understand humans, there would be a program that would allow us to increase our numbers. It would allow us to engage in human relationships and... procreate in times of troubling scenarios. As a result of the glitch, Asakura's instinct to mate and her hormone levels have... risen considerably at a rate we failed to predict."

"Really? Well, what problems can that cau- ...OHHHHHHHH. So THAT'S why she was walking funny and twitching a lot the few times I saw her."

Emiri nodded at Kyon's stunned face. "So you see why Asakura hasn't been at school for most of the time. Her primal urges are beginning to get the better of her. It's been quite difficult. Why just the other day, I walked in on Asakura attempting to fornicate with a pill-"

"Please stop, Miss Kimidori," Kyon piped up, holding off his hand to cut off the secretary mid-sentence. He really didn't need the image of Ryoko humping a pillow in his head right now. Understanding, Emiri turned back to the door and undid a lock, standing to the side as she waved in Kyon. He stepped forward over the threshold, narrowing his eyes to adjust to the looming shadows within.

Unlike the previous times he had seen Ryoko's place, the bedroom with an all-blue motif looked like a wreck. The floor was littered with balled-up tissues, several questionable items that could be found on seedy internet sites lay on the floor, and what looked like stacks of erotic magazines. In the darkness, Kyon watched as two familiar blue eyes opened from place on the far side of the large bed at the back. They twinkled like a pair of mischievous stars. A tiny giggle was heard.

"So what did you need me to do?" Kyon asked, turning around.

Emiri's reply was nonverbal, consisting of her smiling sadly, following by her slamming the door shut. It took Kyon's brain at least five seconds of staring dumbly at the slab of wood a bit to actually dart forward and try to frantically open it again. No use- locked.

There was a flurry of movement as the blankets shifted, and before he knew it, Kyon had something soft and covered in fabric pressing up against his back, as well as a chin being propped on top of his left shoulder. "_You came to visit me, Kyon... That's soooooooo kind of you to do~..._" purred a luscious voice as something wet snaked up and lapped his earlobe. "_Ooooooh, you taste good~..._"

"Asakura?" Kyon squeaked, a tremor of fear slithering up his spine. Kyon wasn't afraid of Ryoko Asakura anymore. Oh, no.

He was _terrified _now.

"Why me!" Kyon shrieked in self-pity.

"Oh, Kyon, Kyon... You and I have become such good friends! But our relationship is strictly platonic. What I want to do with you isn't any different from what members of the animal kingdom do. It's just instinct. We'll still be friends after this! Just more... intimate. That's why I specifically requested Kimidori to bring you to me," Ryoko chuckled darkly, feeling up Kyon's sides.

_Even when she's nice, she's still insane!_ Kyon thought, gulping down a scream. Quickly spinning him around, Ryoko grinned in the darkness. It was too dark for Kyon to clearly see, but he could tell she was only dressed in a blanket. He knew full well what her intentions were and they scared him to the core. Wanting to prolong the inevitable for as long as he could, the boy backed away from the alien and tripped over a stack of books. Frantically trying shove them away, Kyon noticed the title of one and knew he had seen it from somewhere before. Along with several others beside it.

"Where...? Where did you get these?" he sputtered.

The blunette squinted in the darkness and shrugged. "I borrowed them from Nagato. She knows more than I do."

Kyon held back a strangled gasp of shock. This gave Ryoko ample time to stand over him and drop the blanket, causing Kyon's blush to grow. The class representative from space was still smiling throughout the whole time.

"You don't know how much this means to me. I've been in such aggravating pain over these past weeks and I didn't know what else to do in the mean time. I've tried nearly _everything_... Except this. I hope you'll be gentle with me, Kyon... And if you're still not satisfied, I can always invite Nagato over!"

That's when Kyon learned that very day, that when you are locked in a room with a person who has tried to kill you before, that is possibly the worst place in the world to get an erection.

* * *

**A/N: Based off an old idea from a year ago that BKE reminded me of recently that used sexually-active Ryoko. Thanks! **

**And dedicated just for Greg Zerich. Thanks for Severance, man. :3 **


	22. How EE Should Have Gone, According to Me

"Is everyone here?" Haruhi asked as the members of the SOS gathered together for their first day of summer activities.

"Yeah, yeah..." Kyon tiredly nagged as he shifted around uncomfortably on the somewhat busy sidewalk. From his side, Itsuki gave him an apologetic smile, Mikuru fidgeted on her feet, and Yuki just stared off into space.

"Okay, everyone! Let's have ourselves a great summer!" Haruhi cried, pumping a fist into the air, her other hand clenching her to-do list. The rest of the group began to follow her down the block.

But just before the group of five could embark on a troubling time-loop adventure...

_KYON AND ITSUKI WERE TRANSFORMED INTO GIRL VERSIONS OF THEMSELVES BY A STREAK OF RAINBOW-COLORED LIGHT!_

"Holy friggin' crap!" Haruhi, Mikuru, and Yuki exclaimed in total shock.

"Like, oh, my god! I've transcended the limits of hotness and moe!" Kyon(?) shouted, admiring her new hips and tender legs in the reflection of a furniture store window. All the men and women inside who saw Kyonko fell to the ground, nose-bleeds and erections aplenty.

"It appears I have acquired some new assets as well. And I guess it's Kyonko and Itsuko to you now, Miss Suzumiya!" the newly-dubbed Itsuko stated thoughtfully, jumping up and down to test her new jiggly curves. They appeared to work, for every boy in the vicinity ran off in search of a private bathroom to use for... special purposes.

"What are we gonna do now?" Kyonko asked dramatically, swishing her delicious ponytail from side to side.

Licking her lips, Haruhi tore her list to ribbons and cast the pieces off into the wind. "I think I may have to make a new list altogether~!" she said with a devilish grin.

"Ohhhhhh~?" Itsuko replied, wearing the same grin, which Yuki and Mikuru copied. Meanwhile, Kyonko merely smirked dirtily.

In the next few days, the girls did all sorts of wondrous things. They went shopping for yutakas and lingerie, they went skinny-dipping in the public pool, they all became a team of yanderes for a few hours, they rolled in the grass and chased each other instead of cicadas, they took turns eating ice-cream and cake off of Mikuru's stomach, they spent an entire day at a cosplay cafe, Kyonko gave 40-year olds heart-attacks just by winking at them, and I'm pretty sure Itsuko was hitting on anything with a pulse.

Tsuruya was not left out of the action, as the party went to her mansion for a night of booze, pillow-fights, truth or dare, breast-size-comparing, and catfights. They even took the liberty of e-mailing the pictures they took of the event to Taniguchi and Kunikida. Because everyone knows that's exactly what girls do when they get together, right?

"Now what are we gonna do?" said a bored Mikuru as Kyonko fixed her hair into a ponytail (as she had done with the others as well).

Fortunately, it was Yuki who spoke of the club's next activity to do in her usual, angelic, deadpan voice.

"ORGY."

And that, is precisely what the SOS Brigade did for several summer days.

Well, until Kyonko broke away from a bout of sweaty, scissoring, whip-cream-filled action to do her homework in front of a panting Haruhi, who was bound to her bed-posts by her ribbons. Then the endless summer ended.

...Still didn't stop them from humping each other like rabbits the next time school started again though.

* * *

**A/N: Not how it **_**really**_** goes, but this would have been a HELL of a lot more interesting to watch, huh?**

**Last Cracks update for a while. Expect an HR update this week maybe. I just wanted to do this to somehow celebrate the ending of a **_**very **_**arduous story arc. That's all. **


	23. The Nimrod Brigade

Strutting down the hallway after class duties had kept her behind for several hours, the genki girl known as Haruhi Suzumiya smiled at all the attention she was receiving in the hallway, not noticing all the remaining students in the school backing away to the walls out of _fear_, not respect. She had it all; a club that was actually interesting (because _she_ had created it, thank you very much!), interesting people surrounding her, and-

"Excuse me, miss?"A young girl tapped Haruhi on the shoulder, breaking her train of thought. Turning around to see her annoyance, she saw a shy young girl with obviously bleached hair. "W-Would you like to join the Occult Club?" the girl finished.

Haruhi simply scoffed and walked away. Haruhi ignored her cries and pleas for her to join her bullshit poseur-goth club. Right now, her own Brigade was missing her! Missing god herself in their sad existence! Walking up the stairs, she heard snickering and laughter echo through the clubroom.

"Eh?" Haruhi asked herself, listening through the door.

"...care about... besides... fear me..." a high-pitched voice said as the club laughed. Fists pounded on tables, shrill shrieks rang out, and Haruhi had no idea what was going on.

_I've never heard that voice before! Who the hell does that bimbo think she is? What if it's- no, Sasaki wouldn't. She __**couldn't! **_Haruhi thought, jumping to conclusions like a kid on a pogo stick bouncing over the Grand Canyon. Assuming the worst, she gasped and raised one foot up to chest height, extending it, and kicking the door in.

Honestly, she hadn't expected the spectacle inside to greet her.

"DUUUH~! I'm King Fuckstick, leader of the Nimrod Brigade~!" Kyon shouted out in his girliest voice ever, making up some insane dance from the top of his head, involving a lot of shaking his hips and arms as the rest of the Brigade kept laughing in front of him from their seats. To make things worse, he had his hair up in a yellow headband like Haruhi's, was wearing a sailor uniform he somehow obtained (she REALLY didn't want to find out specifically how), and even had one of her spare "Brigade Chief" armbands wrapped around his arm, with a crude swastika drawn on a napkin and pinned to the paper. He then pretended to swish his hair sexily with his right hand, before tossing back his head, and uttering a flamboyant laugh.

"K-Kyon! Is this what you guys do when I'm not around!" Haruhi roared, causing Kyon to choke on his laugh. The clubroom went silent for about five seconds, until Yuki coughed.

"I-I really don't think that's funny," she deadpanned, hiding a small smirk behind a copy of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

"IT IS TO ME!" Mikuru rudely shouted at the top of her lungs, causing the rest of the Brigade to continue their laughter out of reflex. Itsuki stood up in the middle of all this. Haruhi smiled smugly at this. Finally! The Vice Chief would put a stop to-

"Everyone, it isn't nice to laugh at her. I mean, King Fuckstick has done so much for the- I mean-_ Miss Suzumiya_ has done so much-" Itsuki's slip-up caused the room to laugh harder.

"Grr..." Haruhi grit her teeth and barred them like a starving wolverine, effectively draining out any joy in the area.

"...Crap," Itsuki said. "Now, Miss Suzumiya, I'm sure we can all come to a reasonable solution to this problem if we just talked for a little bit. Why don't you have a seat over there?" Itsuki calmly asked Haruhi, paling as she drew near, her hands balling into solid fists.

**Twenty Seconds Later...**

The entire Brigade was being chased down a hallway while a seething Haruhi raced after them, her hands clawing at the empty air in front of her.

"King Fuckstick is on the loose~!" Mikuru shrieked in fear.

"Not now, Asahina!" Kyon shouted, while trying to stop his skirt from moving too much.

"RUN!" Itsuki screamed like the little girls he kept in his basement. Yuki just kept reading while running. The story was just now getting good, why put down a book for a chase?

And so the group of people dashed off into the setting sun as an angered goddess screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs sped after them.

...Not that this came off as weird or serious to those that personally knew them.

* * *

**Okay, so I lied. This is mainly to tide you guys over since I haven't uploaded anything in like a week. Finishing up HR tomorrow if that makes any of you happy. Stress kinda slows your progress. Also, this wasn't even written by me. This was crafted together by my good friend and fellow fanfic writer, ObsidianWarrior. Here's what he had to say after making this contribution to Cracks: **

**Inspired by an article in parody newspaper, The Onion, and my own twisted imagination, I wondered exactly what would happen if Haruhi found out she wasn't hot shit after all. Thanks to superstarultra for letting me write this!**

**That insane dance Kyon was doing while in drag? That was the Hare Hare Yukai. So... yeah. Support crack, and pay your dealer with reviews!**


	24. Itsuki Really Likes Goils

Itsuki and the Student Council President were off in the latter's office, the esper of the SOS Brigade filling out some forms that Haruhi had neglected to fill out herself. Since he didn't have to be in his corrupt persona, TSCP was smoking a cigarette with relative pleasure. All was quiet and peaceful.

Until Itsuki stood up.

TSCP quirked an eyebrow and gingerly removed his cigarette from his mouth. "And just where do you think you're going now?"

Unfortunately, the power-corrupt boy's assumption that the esper was leaving was proven wrong when Itsuki instead bent down and grabbed something from under the table. That something turned out to be a wooden guitar (that TSCP was quite sure hadn't been there a second ago).

And before the head of the class government could utter another question, Itsuki... began to sing.

"_Forget the jar of Vaseline~... Hey, rich-bitch boy, I'm not gonna be your queen~..._" Itsuki sang in a voice like dripping nectar, despite the raunchiness of what he had just said.

"The hell? What did you just call me?" TSCP shouted, now standing up out of his own chair. Itsuki ignored him and continued.

"_And,yeah, you can drool, beg me, and hope~... There's no damn way I'm playing drop the soap~... Okay~..._"

TSCP gaped his jaws in horror, his cigarette falling out. "Ex-_CUSE ME!_ WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU IMPLYING ABOUT ME!"

"_I know I'm strange, but I ain't no queer. So take your rage and disappear. But I'm proud not to be PC. 'Cause -_"

At this, Itsuki spun on his heel and started to headbang. A catchy riff went through the air as Itsuki hopped on one foot. He was too busy rocking the fuck out (which is kinda weird, considering it wasn't even an electric guitar). The president was too dumbstruck to actually do anything other than gawk in confusion and semi-marvel.

"Koizumi? ...Are you well? Did Suzumiya put you up to this? Or have you been sniffing what's in the Lost and Found box again? Could you please stop? You're really worrying me."

But Itsuki was way too caught up in his moment of rock, looking like he wasn't planning to stop any time in the near future. Then he opened his mouth and said, no, screamed:

"_**I like goils~! Bad goils all over this world~!**_"

"...You do?" TSCP replied dumbly. The awkwardness of the situation got worse when the door to the room opened, and in wandered a modest-looking girl with pastel green curls and a stack of manila folders in her arms.

"Sir," Emiri tweeted gently, making her way towards her boss, "I made those copies that you wanted for the upcoming festi-"

TSCP's eyes flew open in realization as he saw the singing esper about to cross paths with his secretary from outer space. "NO, KIMIDORI! STAY BACK! RUN BEFORE-" But it was too late. Emiri paused in mid-step as Itsuki passed in front of her.

Oblivious to her presence, Itsuki wailed out, "_Now I don't know whose ass you've licked, no shit-tongued boy will ever taste my dick~! He says: "How 'bout no sex- we'll just be friends?" Hey, no thanks, pal, I'll stick to lesbians~! You're right. A sexist pig, I guess it's true. I hate all men, including you! I don't care what you think of me~... 'Cause -_ _**I like goils~! Bad goils all over this world~!**_"

Emiri took a step back, blinked in response, remained still for three uncomfortable seconds, then reacted in the most feasible way possible. Namely by throwing her arms into the air over her head (scattering all the papers she was previously holding), wailing like a green banshee, and then rushing past Itsuki to the safety behind her beloved president. Once there, she lost all amount of collected coolness she once held as she buried her head into the Agency member's back and started bawling her head off.

"Sir!" Emiri howled in fear, tears spilling out of her eyes. "I don't like this! Make him stop! Koizumi is frightening me!"

"There, there, Kimidori... There, there..." The tobacco-loving esper pat her on the head, while Itsuki went right on with his singing. It was as he sang about lyrics filled with more perverted actions and fluids, that TSCP decided enough was enough.

This had to end.

On his final verse, Itsuki placed his left leg on his chair, and began to strum the strings to the final verse of his song. "-_don't care much for sodomy~... 'Cause - __**I like goils~! Bad goils all over this-**_"

**KA-**_**CHUNG!**_

The sandy-haired boy tumbled right off his spot on the chair and onto the floor. Emiri watched as shards of wood and strings went sailing through the room. Despite her fear, she actually felt quite sorry for the yes-man. Then again, he wasn't really _that_ hurt, considering his daily Closed Space job, but it still probably stung.

From his spot on the ground, Itsuki nursed the bruised side of his face, and chuckled weakly. "Ah ha ha. It appears my innermost feelings temporarily breached my mental defenses. I must have gotten very carried away for a moment there. My, my, Mr. President. I really wouldn't have expected it from you, but you're actually quite cute when you get angry. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Tossing the broken guitar neck behind his back and over the head of a still-cowering Emiri, TSCP leaned down and scowled darkly. "You start singing again, and I'll get fucking adorable."

* * *

**A/N: Poor Emiri and TSCP. This was done just for ObsidianWarrior, who wanted to see what would happen if Itsuki just sung a song about what his true hetero-feelings under his mask were. His last line kinda nerfs it all. :P **

**Just think about it- Itsuki randomly bursting into song and dance. IT WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS. Said song is "I Like Goils" by Type O Negative.**

**And happy belated to birthday to ObsidianWarrior, BKE, And R. Controversy. :3 **


	25. A Megassa Match

One blissfully calm Sunday afternoon, Mikuru and Tsuruya were eating lunch together in the park. Mikuru was nibbling on a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, while Tsuruya was...

Okay, what do _you_ think she was eating?

"Oh, man!" exclaimed Tsuruya, chomping away at a slice of smoked-cheese she had cut away from the wheel that lay in her lap. "This has gots to be the best wheel of cheese yet! The texture, the flavor, the shade of yellow... Everythings about this piece of cheese is perfectly perfect! Megassa perfect, if I do say so myself, nyoro. Gee, I love smoked-cheese, Mikuru..."

Mikuru, who was pretty damned annoyed at having to listen to the wonders of cheese for ten minutes straight on the way over, twitched her left eyebrow. Ever since that stupid chibi web-series had come along, her best friend had regressed to the mentality of a giant mouse. It was bad enough dealing with the unexplained martial arts and random Airbending, but this was just retarded.

Dropping her spineless moe persona for just a second, Mikuru smiled smugly, and said, "Well, if you love it so much then, Tsuruya, then why don't you go and marry it?"

Mikuru then chuckled at her clever joke, allowing her to miss Tsuruya's suddenly blank face staring at her. As the hyperactive girl began to scratch her chin in contemplation, a mysterious smile made its way onto her face.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmm~..."

**A Week Later...**

Mikuru wasn't exactly sure what was weirder.

The fact that Tsuruya had invited nearly all of the SOS Brigade, most of North High, the entire Agency, and the Anti-SOS Brigade to her wedding held in the backyard of her lavish mansion... or the fact that the heiress had made herself the groom.

Either way, Tsuruya and a wheel of smoked-cheese could sure pull off a tuxedo and bridal-veil combo very well.

* * *

**A/N: What followed was a wonderful honeymoon, indeed. **


	26. All that Glitters

"Hey, guys, I finally figured it out!" Haruhi loudly announced, bursting into the SOS Brigade's headquarters.

Kyon looked up from his cup of tea, a skeptical look on his mug. "What? How to knock for once?"

Haruhi wagged a finger dismissively at Kyon's comment and said, "No, no, my silly plebeian of a boy. What I have found out..." The tsundere took a deep breath for dramatic effect. "Is the _real_ reason why vampires in Twilight sparkle!"

"Is that so? Do tell, Miss Suzumiya..." Itsuki replied coolly. Mikuru and Yuki stopped their own activities, eager to hear what the time-quake and key to auto-evolution had to say.

"Well," Haruhi spoke, gleeful that she was once again the center of attention, "it's because once they're turned into vampires, they release this pheromone that has a hallucinogenic side-effect on teenage girls around them, that also interacts with the scents generated from the copious amounts of hair-gel they pile onto their skulls, which in turn causes them to sparkle. This shiny aura also serves as a magnet of douchebaggery that acts as a shield of sorts to repel the harmful UV rays of the sun and keep them from turning into piles of ash. ...Well? What do you think of my genius theory? Impressive? I spent a whole week thinking about it!"

"..." said the entire room. Kyon facepalmed harder than he had ever done before, Itsuki's jaw was hanging loosely from his features, Yuki's face was scrunched up like she had sniffed some rotten fish, and Mikuru was just blinking rapidly before she opened her little mouth.

"...Wow, Miss Suzumiya. You really need to get laid," Mikuru observed.

Haruhi let out a deep laugh. "Oh, you are too much, Mikuru! HA HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA... HA HA... ha ha... ha ha... ha... ha... Good lord, I am lonely."

* * *

**A/N: Done as an idea that The Layman gave to me. Thanks, dude! **

**Oddly enough, this **_**does**_** sound like a highly-plausible theory...**


	27. Triple Trouble

Lounging in a green-colored armchair, Fujiwara set down the crossword puzzle he was trying to solve, and observed the room. Kyouko was sprawled on the carpet of her little apartment, writing on a piece of paper in her notebook, a pen tucked behind one of her ears. Next to her was Kuyou, the resident alien and team pet almost, who was mindlessly watching an infomercial about a high-quality blender and gorging on a bowl of popcorn.

Hey, evil gets a day off, too, ya know.

"So whatcha workin' on?" Fujiwara asked Kyouko, bored of finding out a ten letter word for sadness that began with 'm'.

"Well," Kyouko answered, looking up from her book, "I am writing out an outline for a fanfic if you must know."

"Oh, really? I didn't know you had an interest in that sort of thing. What kind of show?" Fujiwara's interest had grown now. Maybe if it was a super lame show or book or game, he could mock her right afterward. Oh, what fun it was to make Kyouko cry! One of his favorite pastimes. Well, other than see what random things Kuyou could not eat and digest. They had _yet_ to find out what. Speaking of which, she was still drooling and eating in front of the T.V..

As if guessing his intentions, Kyouko flipped one of her pigtails haughtily. "Not a show, Fujiwara. I don't go around applying plots to already established games and manga! I write original fiction. Using characters and concepts from my _own_ mind that are one-hundred percent original."

Fujiwara's face fell; maybe he could still ridicule her. "Well, what's the genre? And the main character?"

"The genre is a sci-fi action adventure," Kyouko sassily answered, twirling her pencil in a fancy way. "My main character is a space-warrior. "

"I see. Please explain."

"Well, I have not decided on a name for him yet, but it begins as he awakens from a long sleep in his space. He gets off his spacecraft and encounters a variety of strange-looking locals. It's only after communicating with them that he learns the horrible truth of his entire existence!"

"Which would be...?"

Kyouko sprang up from the floor and got up right in her time-traveling partner in crime's face. "He is really... _**A CHILD'S PLAYTHING!**_"

"...A what?" Fujiwara recoiled at the very sight of Kyouko popping his wonderful personal space-bubble.

"A toy! The poor fellow is nothing more than a hunk of plastic, stickers, batteries, and cheap glue! His entire life has been a lie! His memories planted! His goals and ambitions... fake! He is consumed by a roller coaster of emotions! Doesn't that make your heart ache with grief, Fujiwara? _Doesn't it make you feel?_"

"...Kyouko."

"Mmm? Yes?"

"That is, without a doubt, the _exact_ premise of Toy Story."

"...Huh?"

"Toy Story, Kyouko. The movie. Buzz Lightyear. Woody. The little green aliens. You totally copied the start."

"...No, I didn't. You're just jealous."

Fujiwara leapt up from his chair, stalked on over to Kyouko, and glared down at her with his hands on his hips. "KYOUKO, TOY STORY HAS ITS OWN PIXAR TRILOGY AND HAS BEEN OUT FOR MORE THAN TEN YEARS. YOU STARTED THIS FANFIC AN HOUR AGO."

Kyouko shrugged off the insult like it was nothing. "You're just jealous of my creativity and artistic passion! This is why you can never seem to beat that empty-headed time-traveler! You lack the motivation! This is why the two of us have to always go to group therapy!"

"I'm only insulting you because your work is a blatant rip-off! This is no need to drag in that Asahina witch into this mess! And you know I hate going to that head-doctor! He keeps saying I have anger issues, you bitch!" Fujiwara roared in response. Kuyou looked over, shrugged, and went on back to looking at the demonstration of the Big City Slider. How she missed Billy Mays...

"I'm going to ignore that comment and continue on with my work. Maybe I will add an insensitive, sneering, jerk of a bastard as the lead antagonist. Have him get eaten by a doggy," Kyouko sweetly chirped, planting herself in a nearby wooden chair. She smiled smugly.

"...Your hair is stupid," Fujiwara finally said after a ten second long silence.

Kyouko grit her teeth, clenched her fists, and then launched herself out of her chair to stab her finger into the time-traveler's chest. "YOU'RE SUCH A DICK!" the esper hissed, her voice dripping with acid. How dare he insult her adorable pigtails!

Dropping his jaw to the floor in complete shock at his comrade's uncharacteristic outburst, Fujiwara wasted no time in returning her rage with his own brand of venom. "NO, YOU'RE A DICK!" he cleverly shot back, mentally patting himself on the back for such an epic comeback.

"YOU'RE A DICK!"

Kuyou blinked.

"YOU'RE A DICK!"

Kuyou tried to tune the duo out.

"YOU'RE A DICK!"

Kuyou increased the volume on the T.V..

"YOU'RE A DICK!"

Kuyou began to grit her teeth.

"YOU'RE A DICK!"

Kuyou's left eye began to twitch.

"YOU'RE A DICK!"

"_**YOU TWO ARE THE MOST ANNOYING DICKS IN ALL OF NISHINOMIYA!**_" Kuyou roared, karate-chopping the coffee table into two separate halves and sending popcorn everywhere. "_**I'M TRYING TO WATCH SOMETHING HERE, AND IF YOU TWO MEATBAGS DON'T FUCKING MAKE UP WITH EACH OTHER, I'M GOING TO BECOME VERY UNPLEASANT!**_"

The time-traveler and esper stared at the deranged alien for a bit. That was until the former let out a chuckle.

"Geez, Kuyou, chill out. You're acting like a real spazz. And I am so not cleaning up that mess you just carelessly made," Fujiwara said.

"Yeah! Simmer down, Kuyou. Don't get your tentacles in a bunch!" Kyouko laughed.

Kuyou blinked, then proceeded to pick up the remote, break it in half, then reform both halves into the sharpest pair of swords to ever exist. "I'm going to give the two of you ten seconds to vacate the premises before I do something I will probably not regret. One..."

"Whoa! Now, Kuyou, let's not do anything hasty here!" Kyouko cried, paling at the sunlight glinting off the metal.

Fujiwara was already backing up with Kyouko as Kuyou began to walk towards them. "Y-Yes, K-Kuyou... I'm sure that all three of us can come to a very reasonable conclu-"

"...SEVEN..."

As they ran out the door, Kyouko and Fujiwara had to agree: This was the smartest decision the two of them had ever decided on.

* * *

**A/N: ****One must wonder how Kuyou keeps herself from killing her teammates... **

**And Fujiwara never did find out that word. **


	28. I SAW What U Did Thar! 1

As most stereotypical plots go, it was a dark, dark night. Under the light of the harvest moon, a young deadpan snarker and an attractive gamer-chick were walking home from a movie. A horror movie at that. The two of them had been doing so in order to keeps tabs on a certain key to the evolutionary tables of space. After the flick had ended, the duo had decided to walk home together. By cutting through the local park of all places. Smart move.

Now let us watch as these two beings experience the true horror that can only be found in the month that worships... _Halloween_.

"So, Nagato," Kyon said, ignoring the horribly cheesy narrative, "what did you think of the movie?" Despite the darkness around him, he felt incredibly safe next to Yuki. Probably given the fact that she could probably beat up ninety percent of anything that threatened to get at him in the world.

"I enjoyed it," Yuki deadpanned. "Although they seem to be running a bit stale on story. A trilogy was fine, but geez, _why_ do we need OTHER Saw movies? I could have gotten a better idea for a plot-device from a freckle on Asakura's plump, juicy ass!" Yuki temporarily broke character- not that you mind, right?

Of course you don't...

"Eh, Nagato? What did you mean by Asakura there? I thought she was..." Kyon trailed off in confusion.

Yuki interrupted his brief pause. "I get lonely."

"...OH."

"I would have asked you, but I was scared you would say no..."

"Nagato... of course I wouldn't say no." Kyon brushed some hair behind her ear to please all the Kyon/Yuki fans out there and piss off the basement-dwellers that think that Yuki is their property because they have no REAL hope with a woman, or even a sex-doll.

The two walked through a trail in the park that was rumored by Haruhi to be haunted, however, that was proven to be bullshit by some geek with a vacuum-cleaner with a laser-pointer tied to its tip. Or so they thought. Yuki suddenly stopped dead in her tracks.

"Wait. I sense a presence right behind us," the small humanoid announced, gingerly stopping Kyon by grabbing the back of his coat with one hand.

"You do? Who?" Kyon asked in fear. He was now afraid to turn around. Scrunching up his ears, the cynic listened very carefully for the sounds of footsteps behind him. They were none. Instead, Kyon was treated to a vaguely metallic noise a few feet away.

_Crink crink crink crink... _

"Nagato, who is that? Is it another data-monster?"

"...No."

"A-A-Asakura?"

"...No."

"Kuyou Suou?"

"...No."

"...My fangirls?"

"...N- Wait, when did you have fangirls?"

"Okay, forget I said that! Just look and tell me who or what it is!" begged a creeped-out Kyon.

"...Fine," Yuki huffed, swallowing her mild anger and slowly turning her head around. When she looked back, her expression was easily comparable to the one her AU self wore in the movie when AURyoko got blood on her. Trust me, it's a dramatic face.

"So? Who is it?" Kyon was pretty much trying to keep his bowels from overloading.

Yuki stared right into Kyon's face with a deer in the headlights look. "You would not believe me if I told you."

Kyon facepalmed. "For goodness sake's, Nagato! Just tell me so we can run, fight, or-"

"It's a doll of a clown riding a tricycle."

"...Say what again?"

"A clown doll. Riding on. A fucking. _Tricycle_," Yuki repeated slowly.

Kyon turned around, and sure enough, Ugly McDonald was staring right back at them. "Holy shit, you were right, Nagato."

"..." the Jigsaw doll said.

"...It looks kinda creep-"

"Wanna play a game?" the doll suddenly interrupted Yuki.

"...No?" Kyon replied.

"Come on. You _know_ you wanna..." the doll spoke again.

"No. We don't. Now fuck off."

"...I'll be your friend."

"...Nah," Kyon said.

"... I'll give you a cookie-"

"NO," Kyon said once again.

"...I'll be your friend."

"Didn't you already say that?"

"...No?" the doll unconvincingly answered. Yuki, sick of this shit, simply walked up to the toy and knocked it from the tricycle.

"GAH!" the Jigsaw puppet shouted before Yuki curbstomped it into several wooden splinters. The alien dusted off her hands in victory.

"There. It's dead. Let's go home, Kyon-" Yuki stopped in mid-sentence upon seeing Kyon passed out on the ground. Before Yuki could ponder the situation, a loud **CLUNK!** split through the park, followed by a light pinging. An unknown figure in a black hoodie had snuck up and beaten her with a metal baseball bat, having used the noise of the doll's skull being crushed to mask the same sound from Kyon.

The figure looked down at the two on the ground before it. "Heh. Idiots..." the stranger snickered devilishly before stacking their bodies on a previously-placed red wagon, and dragging them off into the night to an unknown fate.

_**DUN DUN DUN!**_

This still raises the question of how Yuki was easily knocked out. No sense at all.

But, still...

**_DUN DUN DUN!_**

_**

* * *

**_**A/N: Was aided by ObsidianWarrior on this one. He's uber cool. **

**Okay, guys, this is going to be another little arc. Hope you like it. **

**For fun, who do you guys think the ominous assailant is? Leave your guesses in the reviews! 'Till next time! **


	29. I SAW What U Did Thar! 2

"Oh, god... My head..." Kyon moaned softly, opening his eyes. His eyes felt like they had been plucked out of his sockets and dipped in hot fudge, before they finally managed to adjust themselves to the light. "Huh...? What in the world..."

The constant wise-cracker had tried to stand on his feet, only to find that he had been chained to a nearby wall by his right ankle. His hands were bound with some kind of twine in his lap. The room he was in was fairly huge and empty. It had a white tile floor and plain white walls with peeling pink paint. A row of sinks lined the north wall, all of the mirrors above them were broken, a bunch of stalls with toilets in them were open (except for one), fluorescent lamps, and an ugly orange door in the corner. No doubt about it- this was an abandoned women's restroom.

"Somehow, I just knew I would always die in one of these. Fuck that fortune-teller..." Kyon grumbled, setting himself into a sitting position. It was as he leaned back that his head connected with someone else's skull. One covered in purple hair.

"You are up," greeted an equally-imprisoned Yuki.

"Hey, Nagato..." Kyon responded. "You wouldn't happen to know where we are, would you?"

"Unfortunately, no. I have remained in this position, waiting for you to awaken. There is only one exit to this room, but while I could easily break through, I have not done so for fear of what our captor would do to you. They already knew about the spot on my head that instantly knocks me unconscious, " Yuki answered, indicating at a heavily boarded-up metal door with her foot.

"Awww. That's sweet of you," Kyon cooed, not caring just why Yuki could have such a dumb weakness. But before he and the alien could engage in a sloppily-written lemon on the floor of the bathroom, a plasma-screen T.V. lowered itself from the ceiling and flickered on. A doll resembling Tsuruya popped up onscreen, albeit wearing a tiny tuxedo and garish red powder on its cheeks. Behind it stood a person's outline that was completely concealed in darkness.

"**Sorry to interrupt the sickening fluff, but I have some big plans in store for you two. Big plans, indeed...**" the doll replied in a deep, baritone voice (most likely using a voice-changer).

Kyon summoned all his courage and wit, before replying with a snappy sentence of, "...Who the fuck are you?"

"How did you get so short, Tsuruya?" Yuki asked, causing the doll to cutely slap a small arm against its face.

"**I am NOT your pal. This toy is just my personal way of giving you a face to speak to. After all, you two don't have very much time left. Our meeting in the park can't be the only memory we can all share together for long. Mwa ha ha ha ha...**" laughed the figure.

"Time? What do you mean? And why did you kidnap us, you nutbag?" Kyon demanded. Yuki said nothing, but kept her eyes on the screen above.

"**Ahhhh, yesss... Why, indeed. Let's just say that for the past few months, I have observed both of you closely. Kyon and Yuki Nagato. Both members of the intrepid SOS Brigade. Big, strong, good-looking, and fearless. **_**Nothing **_**scares you two at all.**" The speaker sighed in ecstasy."**...Until today. You think you can both go through life without anything bad **_**ever**_** happening to you. That some pal will **_**always**_** be there to catch your back. But you're in MY world now. No friends, no help, no nothing. No one even knows you're missing. Isn't it sad?**"

For the first time, Kyon felt incredibly uneasy- all of that was practically true. "W-W-What are you going to do?"

"**Oh, I am going to do the very best I can... To SHOW you two how much you need to rely on yourselves in order to survive in the world. You will be judged for your crimes against life. I have a few tests in mind for both of you to go through. Some of the games I have planned will force you to completely trust the other person. You think you can truly depend on the other?**" the voice sneered deviously. The Tsuruya doll bounced in excitement.

_Oh, great. We're dealing with some Saw fanatic. No doubt Haruhi has something to do with this. It's probably she imagined after a dumb movie. Or it could that sneering bastard in a mask. Maybe even Asakura. Who else could knock out Nagato? _thought Kyon with a glower. "Fine then. We'll play your little games or whatever. I think I know Nagato a whole lot better than any other person in the world."

"I have an equal amount of trust in our friendship as well," challenged Yuki.

The Tsuruya puppet nodded its tiny head. "**Wonderful. Our games shall begin shortly, my friends. However, you must know that this room is impenetrable and that any attempts to escape or call for help will be severely punished. I highly discourage you two from trying to make a-**"

The sound of a toilet flushing drowned out the voice, followed by a stall door being slammed open. Kyon and Yuki watched in complete surprise as Tsuruya calmly stepped out of one of the bathroom stalls, walking over to a sink that was still connected to the wall. The girl began to wash her hands without even noticing the trio of surprised faces in the room.

"Man, that's the last time I have two Big Gulps in a row, nyoro..." Tsuruya mumbled, drying off her hands. "Goes right through- Oh, hi, guys!"

"Tsuruya, what are you doing in this dump?" the cynic asked, blinking.

"**Yeah, who the hell are you? How did you even get into my chamber of fate?**" voiced the stranger.

Tsuruya looked around and shrugged. "This is the bathroom I usually go to after the 7/11 down the street gives me trouble. Helps me to think, too."

But before anyone could do anything else, the acclaimed impenetrable door of the bathroom opened. In trailed in a giggling Kunikida and Mizuki (that one girl from the ENOZ concert- the drummer). Kunikida shut the door behind them easily enough and started to smooch Mizuki on the neck until they both noticed the room was not occupied.

"What? I agree to a third date with you, Kunikida, and you drag me into a place like this? You said we'd be somewhere alone to consummate our love! I am not into any weird shit!" the drummer yelled, pointing at the bound Kyon and Yuki as well as the puppet onscreen.

"Huh? What are you guys doing here?" Kunikida wondered, blushing. "Did you guys want to do something freaky or something?"

"No, you idiots. We're being held by a psychopath here," Kyon sighed.

"Hmmm? Hey... SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME~!" Tsuruya pointed at the screen and began to jump around like a monkey.

"You two are dating? And HE'S straight?" Yuki observed, gesturing at Kunikida.

"**OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KIDNAP ALL OF YOU NOW! EAT GAS, FOOLS!**" shouted the stranger, using the Tsuruya doll to push a red button on what looked like a control-panel nearby. An odd green gas the shade of lima beans began to seep through the vents and sink faucets.

"I don't know about you guys, but... I need... a nap..." Kunikida muttered.

Mizuki rubbed her eyes sleepily. "Me, too..."

"Nap-time, nyoro!" sang Tsuruya as she and the other guests soon collapsed in a pile on the ground.

"I HATE YOU ALL," said Kyon as the gas filled his lungs to knock him out.

"I as well," stated Yuki, right before a loose ceiling tile fell from the ceiling and hit her vulnerable head-spot again. "Ouchies."

"**BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...ACK... Augh...Erk... Man, I need to work on my vocals!**"

* * *

**A/N: Uh-oh. Now that even more people are here, the plot thickens. Who is the mysterious captor? WHO? **

**Find out next time! **


	30. I SAW What U Did Thar! 3

Once again, Kyon woke up in his deluxe torture-cell. The only difference was that Tsuruya, Kunikida, and Mizuki were joining him and Yuki.

"Great. I get to die in a filthy bathroom with my most trusted best friend, my junior high buddy, his date, and a fun-loving eating-machine..." Kyon grumbled to himself in despair.

"Gee, that's really megas nice of you to call me you best friend, Kyon!" smiled Tsuruya. "But in my opinion, I don't think Yuki really has all that much fun reading those boring books."

"He meant me," Yuki broke in.

"Nyoro~n."

"This is the worst date ever! Kunikida, you said you would always be there for me and never let me get hurt! What kind of man are you?" Mizuki snarled, trying to squirm out of her bindings.

"The kind of man who is staring at the giant trap of death aimed right at us," Kunikida answered bluntly. The others swiveled their heads around and saw that standing in a single beam of light of the room was a large mechanical contraption the size of a horse. It was composed of several levers, gears, pulleys, and strings connected to other objects. The strings all led to an array of dangerous items pointed right at the five teens. Among them were a sniper-rifle, a ball n' chain, a suspended crusher with spikes, two huge blocks of ice poised like mallets, a can of hair-spray set in front of a lit match, a tennis ball-spitting machine that was fit with buzz-saws, and seesaw with a banana-cream laid on one end.

The T.V. flickered on again. "**Ahh! Seems we are awake for the party!**" cheered the doll of Tsuruya.

"OH, MY GOD..." sobbed Kyon.

"I know!" wept the real Tsuruya. "I HATE banana-cream!"

"...There's a food you _don't_ like?" Yuki said incredulously.

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE, YOU IDIOTS!" Mizuki shrieked.

"**Well, at least **_**one**_** of you is worried,**" boomed the voice. "**Now to explain the rules of this trial. I have selected Yuki Nagato to take the role of player. Depending on her answer, all of these lovely toys of mine may or **_**may not**_** activate. Hmmmhmmm~...**"

"Fine. I accept. What are the rules of the game?"

"**Simple,**" the voice said as a keyboard was lowered down from the ceiling on a wire within reach of Yuki's bound fingers. "**I have written this lemony one-shot that stars your friend, Kyon. By pressing the Enter key, you will post this story online for all to see. If you do not press anything at all after a minute, I will activate my machine. The choice is yours. Kyon must overcome his fear of yaoi. And I know **_**you**_** have a fondness for boy's love.**"

A computer monitor with text and a timer appeared on the screen. Yuki stared at the keyboard with determination.

"Nagato, I know you're the one I trust even more than Haruhi..." Kyon said nervously. "...But please listen to me when I ask for you to not press anything. I would rather die."

"WHAT!" Mizuki and Tsuruya barked.

"Screw that, I wanna live! Hey, go and press the button!" Kunikida cried.

"Some friend you turned out to be!" Kyon roared, trying to reach Kunikida so he could strangle him.

"I don't wanna die!"

"Well, I don't want people to think I'm a butt-pirate!"

As the group argued and their captor laughed, Yuki picked up the whole keyboard in one hand, aimed it like a Frisbee, and hurled it right at the heart of the machine. It struck a gear dead-on, causing much of the device to unravel at the seams. The voice squawked in alarm as the traps were all disabled.

"**No fair! Fine! I shall deliver the verdict myself!**" The screen went completely white. Using a data-spell under her breath, Yuki caused the chains to rust to the point where they turned almost brown.

"Hey, look! They're all brittle now, nyoro! I wonder how?" Tsuruya asked, shattering the chains holding her with a kick. Meanwhile, Yuki had freed the others from their chains, too.

Mizuki waved a hand. "Who cares! Let's just get out of here befo-" She was interrupted by the sound of a wall sliding open like a door. Kyon gawked in horror a giant of what he assumed was a man stepped through a hidden entrance. He was at least nine feet tall, dressed in a black cloak, and with a ceremonial white wig on his head. His entire face seemed to be steeped in darkness. What's more was the fact that he was toting a giant wooden mallet in his black gloved hands.

"**You escaped my chains, destroyed my traps, and damaged the computer containing my blackmailing story when you ripped the cable out. Now I shall act as your judge, jury, and executioner! The verdict? GUILTY!**" screamed the psychopath, rushing forward for a swing at Yuki.

"I recognize that voice now," Yuki stated dully, stepping out of the way and snatching a part of the cloak. She tore it off in one swift motion, sending the hammer, wig, a handheld voice-changer, and a pair of stilts to the ground. The others gasped in amazement.

For the identity of their captor was none other than...

...

...

...Mr. Kimidori!

Ahh, I'm just fucking with you.

Kyon held up the squirming perpetrator with one hand before setting her down. "...Miyoko Yoshimura?"

"Who's that?" Mizuki asked, peering at the screaming little girl.

"Kyon, isn't that your sister's friend?" Kunikida tilted his head.

"Little Miyokichi?" Tsuruya said in bewilderment. "You're the voice-person?"

"Yeah! It was all me! Now put me down!" the tot demanded, wriggling out of the snarker's hand.

"Why did you do all of this?" Yuki questioned, hefting the hammer in one hand. It was actually made of some kind of light wood and weighed as much as a pencil.

Miyoko brushed her clothes off and gestured to the room about her (which actually had a camcorder sitting on toilet now that they noticed). "Ever since Kyon took me to the movies, I wanted to make the greatest horror movie ever made! I had a plot and everything in mind. Even a hideout for a set! But I needed stars... So I got some people that I knew would make the best horror contestants ever! Folks who would really rely on each other! I knew Yuki would never betray Kyon like that. Friendship at its best! Good drama, too!"

"But, uhhhh, how did ya get all these traps and stuff?" Tsuruya asked.

"My parents give me a pretty big allowance," Miyoko deadpanned. "And none of these traps were going to hurt you. That rifle is actually filled with grape-jelly. The ice-blocks are styrofoam that have been soaked in dry ice, the hair-spray can is filled with water, the spikes are all plastic, and so on. I wasn't ever gonna hurt anybody," she pointed out.

"...BUT YOU HIT US WITH A FREAKING BAT AND GAVE US KNOCK-OUT GAS!" Kyon screeched.

Miyoko smiled like a kid at Christmas. "Yep~! How else was I going to make the greatest horror movie ever? I was even going to film your reactions! Ha ha ha!"

A very disturbing silence filled the room. Kyon, Yuki, Tsuruya, Kunikida, and Mizuki shared a glance.

"...Is that so?" Yuki asked in a very low voice, walking forward slowly. She was soon joined by the other four.

Miyoko chuckled weakly. "Eh heh heh heh... Why are you all looking at me and grinning? Guy? ...Guys? Don't you like horror movies?"

**Two Minutes Later...**

"Well, take care, Miyoko," said Kyon.

"Yes. Farewell," said Yuki.

"It was nice getting to know you, better!" said Kunikida.

"Same here. Good luck on your horror movie-making skills!" said Mizuki.

"Laters, nyoro!" said Tsuruya.

"HEY, COME BACK HERE, YOU STUPID JERKS! I'M JUST A LITTLE GIRL! YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME HANGING UP HERE LIKE THIS! COME BACK AND GET ME DOWN RIGHT NOW! GIMME BACK MY CAMERA! AND I NEED THAT PIE BACK! MY MOM WILL KILL ME!" howled Miyoko, dangling from the T.V. antenna of the gas-station by the band of her panties.

"Sorry! Can't hear you!" Kyon called back, fingers in his ears. The others copied his action. Yuki took the moment to allow a smirk to creep up on her face.

"Sure someone will drive by and call for help," offered Kunikida as Mizuki laughed.

"Watch out for crows!" sang Tsuruya.

Miyoko pursed her lips and unleashed several words that a twelve-year old shouldn't even know. After a bit, she sighed and hung back from her spot. Already a few people were beginning to gather to stare up at her.

"Ahhh, I guess this isn't _too_ bad... Hello? Anybody? Somebody get me down from here right now! I said I was sorry! What more do you want from meee! ...Oh, hey! Look! Heya, there, little birdie! How are you doi- OW! OWWW! OUCH! MY EYES!"

* * *

**A/N: Well, I'll bet none of you expected the culprit to be**_** her**_** of all people, right? **

**Moral: Don't trust small children- they are EVIL! **


	31. Green With Envy

"Can I just-"

"No. Please leave me alone."

"But I just want to-"

"I swear if you touch me, I will break you in half. I just came for a peaceful stroll in the park. Is that too much to ask?"

"...No. I guess not..."

"Good. You understand. Well, I'll just be heading right on-"

"DON'T LEAVE ME ALL ALONE! I HAVE ONLY APPEARED LIKE ONCE IN THE WHOLE SERIES! I'M JUST A POINTLESS BACKGROUND CHARACTER! BUT YOU... YOU'VE ACTUALLY SPOKEN TO THEM! WHILE _ANIMATED_! YOU EVEN GOT A CHARACTER CD! PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO BE LIKE YOU! HOW TO MATCH YOUR GREATNESS... I'LL GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT! JUST PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR ME WITH WHATEVER FORCES THAT BE! I JUST WANNA BE IN SEASON THREE! I PROBABLY WON'T EVEN GET TO APPEAR IN THE TENTH BOOK!"

"Get off of me, freak! I'll catch whatever brand of crazy you're carrying! And stop crying!"

"DON'T LEAVE ME, KIMIDORI! _**PLEASE**_!"

"LET GO OF ME, YOU LOSER! OW! STOP BITING MY CALF!"

After finally managing to pry Sakanaka off her leg with a well-aimed boot to the head, and giving J.J. a small pat on his head before bolting off, Emiri realized she had a pretty damn good life.

* * *

**A/N: Sakanaka- even more minor than Emiri Kimidori. **

**And, yes, her little dog **_**does**_** have a name. Went with the shorter version of the name though. **


	32. An Awkward Reunion

TCCP stared with unblinking eyes at the large and familiar figure in front of him. After all these days, he'd thought he'd never come face to face with this face again. He began to wonder if venturing out for a simple new mouse at the electronics shop was worth this... embarrassment.

"Hmmmmm, hi, there," he said uneasily.

"...Yo," greeted the massive Cave Cricket that was filling up the empty lot. A small bag filled with gardening equipment dangled from the tip of its left claw. "Nice to see you again."

"Same here," TCCP replied, wondering why no one in the busy street was bothering to look at the monstrous insect. "What's in the bag?"

"Oh, this? It's, uhhh, just some stuff I for this hobby I was thinking of trying. A little light gardening. Maybe something like a cactus. Gotta spruce up the old desert somehow, eh?"

"I see... I was just going home now. Getting something for my club."

"Nice," chirped the Cave Cricket.

"Uh-huh," agreed the blondish boy.

"..."

"..."

"...How's school?"

"...Okay. Suzumiya's a... handful. But it's fine."

"Sweet. I've been fine. Molted a week ago. Found a new way to anchor my hyperlinks without killing people's brains. Been hopping from place to place to copy more data."

"Good for you then. Hopping... Ha ha ha."

"Yeah. Heh Heh."

"...Well, I'll be seeing you then," TCCP said quickly, turning away to leave.

"Ummm, hey. About that... thing that happened between us," the Cave Cricket quickly buzzed, antennas twitching. "About that whole 'absorbing you into myself' thing. I was really out of it that day. Just woke up after a long hibernation, found out my whole species was dead, saw an ugly as hell club logo. I mean, that's bound to make anyone grouchy, right? "

"...I guess so. Well, bye then. Good luck with that whole gardening plan. Laters." And with that, TCCP and his new mouse was gone in a flash.

The Cave Cricket sighed unhappily. "Man. Hope he can't hold a grudge. I don't even remember his name thanks to that stupid cat." Taking a small hop, the large bug bound out of the lot and turned the corner...

...where he immediately came face to face (or compound eyes to ankles) with a gigantic blue figure.

"Oh! Hey," said the Celestial, rubbing his head awkwardly with one giant fist, the other containing several grocery bags. "...How's it going?"

"...Peachy-keen."

"...Cool."

* * *

**A/N: Inspired by a chat with some friends. Don't we all just hate running into that**_** one**_** person we can't remember the name of? **

**And what would a Celestial buy anyway? **


	33. The Yandere Who Came to Town

_You better watch out._

_You better not cry._

_Better not pout,_

_'Cause Super's telling you why. _

_Asakura is coming to school! _

_She's making a hit-list. _

_And checking it twice; _

_Gonna find a cynic or bookworm to slice. _

_Asakura is coming to school! _

_She sees you when you're sleeping... (she can!) _

_She knows when you're awake... (she does!)_

_She doesn't care if you've been bad or good, (she really doesn't)_

_So just run for goodness sake! (you better!) _

_Oh, you __**better **__watch out! _

_You __**better**__ not cry! _

_Better not pout, _

_Super's telling you why. _

_Asakura is coming to school..._

_Asakura is coming to YOUR schoooooooool~!_

**On Top of Kyon's House at Night...**

Ryoko sat on the rim of Kyon and his family's chimney, dressed in a sexy Santa outfit. A hat sat on her head, a burlap sack lay next to her, and she kicked her legs carelessly as she surveyed the scene of lights in the dark city around here.

Ryoko smiled warmly from her perch. "Have a happy series of Earth holidays, children. As soon as I have entered Kyon's home and delivered this bag of explosives- I mean, early gifts for him and his sister to unwrap, I'll be seeing all of you quite soon! _**Really soon!**_"

The psychopathic extraterrestrial tiled her head back and let loose a bone-chilling cackle. Unfortunately, she leaned much too far back and the law of physics decided to intervene and put a stop to Ryoko's exploit.

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha- Huh? W-Whoa! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

A moment later, Ryoko found herself with her knees and chest partially obstructing the view around her. Didn't matter since it was totally dark. She blew the white puff-ball on the tip of her hat out of her face in annoyance.

"Well, this is just dandy. Now I'm stuck. Curse you, my curvy physique!" Ryoko growled, trying to loosen herself from her position. It somehow hadn't dawned on her that she just couldn't manipulate the brick around her to escape.

Suddenly, there was a voice at the bottom of the chimney. "Hello? Santa? Is that you? You're weeks early!" called Imouto, dressed in pink pajamas, Shamisen in her arms.

The yandere froze and attempted to glance downward. "Errrr, no, little girl! I'm just one of Santa's many helpers! An elf! I was inspecting this house for... being a proper place for a reindeer-landing! Perhaps you could bring an older sibling or some to help me? Tee hee hee~!"

"You are so Santa Claus!" whined Imouto, peering upwards. "I can see your fat butt stuck in the chimney! Gimme my presents!"

"Little girl, I do not have any presents whatsoever for you! And my butt is NOT fat or stuck! It's just shapely and I am inspecting the craftsmanship of this fine chimney! Please remain calm and refrain from getting an adult~!" Ryoko chirped back, fighting back her building rage.

"Did you get anything for Kyon or Shami? They had lists, too!"

"For the last time, I am not Santa! I'm a girl!"

"...Mrs. Claus?"

"Look, just get me out of this damn tower of bricks, kid!"

"I WANT MAH PRESENTS!"

"I don't HAVE any toys or junk like that! My legs are cramping up!"

"DID YOU BRING ME A PLAYSTATION 3?"

"SHUT UP!"

"NOT UNTIL YOU GIVE ME MAH PRESENTS LIKE I ASKED YOU TO!"

"WELL, MAYBE YOU DESERVE A LUMP OF COAL INSTEAD, YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT!"

"...KYON? HOW DO WE TURN UP THE HEAT IN THE FIRE-PLACE?"

"WHAT! Ummmmmmmmmmm, say, little girl, how do you feel about fireworks? Little girl? LITTLE GIRL? ...Fuck. Should have just hid in that cake with the bunny-suit after all."

Just another normal night for the residents of Nishinomiya.

* * *

**A/N: Hope you've enjoyed this chapter that briefly delves into the upcoming holiday for this month. This spoof of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" didn't seem flashy enough, so I figured the added Ryoko bit would add come color to it. I'll be sure to have more Christmasy goodness for you later on.**

**Now review. Or else Ryoko will be visiting YOUR school or home this Christmas! Who knows... Perhaps even as you read this author's note, she is standing right behind you, reading over your shoulder with a cold smile...**

**Say hi to her for me if you ever see her. :3 **


	34. Kyouko Ruins Everything!

"Why, hello, miss. Lovely night for a stroll, eh?"

Young Haruhi stopped in her tracks away from the field she'd broken into and turned around quickly. Stepping out of the shadows of the alleyway was a shifty-looking man with greasy blond hair. A smirk oozing with mystery hung off his face.

"Who are you?" Haruhi squeaked, crossing her arms defiantly. Her long hair swayed in the wind as she cautiously took a step back.

"Just someone who has a lot of stories to tell," the man replied softly. "I can show you a lot of interesting things."

"Really?" the tiny girl squeaked, both in interest and skepticism.

The man grinned and extended a hand, this being much easier than he thought it would be. "Indeed. All you have to do is believe in me. If you just come along with me, I can introduce you to all the wonders that your tiny heart craves fo-"

"FUJIWARA, ARE YOU DONE YET?" called a high, feminine voice from afar.

The man (Fujiwara) dropped his calm expression and whipped around with a savage snarl. "Hey! BEAT IT! I'm trying to conduct business over here!" Little Haruhi peered around Fujiwara to see a woman with pigtails and a yellow sweater come walking out of the alley. She carried a bag in one hand and a basket with a sleeping kitten and puppy in the other.

"I got tired of sitting in that smelly van we drove around with Kuyou. And I was sorta afraid she'd try to eat the puppy and the kitty if I didn't give her anything while we were waiting. Also, what's up with you and green vans anyway?" the girl whined. From her side, a girl with absurdly long black hair appeared, a huge lollipop jammed into her mouth.

"For the last time, Kyouko, go wait in the fucking car!" Fujiwara whispered in a hushed tone, while Haruhi cocked her head in confusion. "_You'll scare her off!_"

"No, I won't!" As if noticing Haruhi for the first time, Kyouko knelt down and faced her. "Well, heya, there! You're a really cute little girl! We have a lot of goodies in our van to show you! We got candy, and cookies, and coloring books, and all sorts of stuff! I'll even give you this puppy and kitty if you promise not to call for any adults or inform any type of law-enforcement about, okay?" Kuyou just continued to stare dully.

Haruhi stared at the two girls and boy for a few more seconds, then broke off running in opposite direction. Had anyone seen her face, it would have been a combo of bewilderment and fear.

"...Gee, I wonder what I could have said to scare her off like that?" Kyouko pondered, scratching her head as Fujiwara slowly turned to her with his teeth exposed.

"...Kyouko..."

"Yeah? What is it, my trusty companion?"

"I fucking hate you. I seriously do. I really mean it. We failed this mission spectacularly and now we have to retreat before we are detected. Once again, I hate you," Fujiwara snapped.

Kyouko waved a hand dismissively. "Awwww, you don't mean that! I know you like me! I feel nothing but cooperation between us! We're best pals~!"

Narrowing his eyes into burning slits, Fujiwara grabbed the candy-eating Kuyou by her shoulders and set her between him and the esper. Still sucking on her lollipop, Kuyou remained still, having no idea what the enraged time-traveler was going to do.

Kyouko's doe-like gaze still on him, Fujiwara gestured at Kuyou and hissed out, "NO, KYOUKO. I _HATE _YOU. I FEEL HATE. _**HATE**_. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE IN THIS TIME-PERIOD. THERE ARE ABOUT 387.44 MILLION MILES OF DATA-STREAMS IN WAFER-THIN LAYERS THAT MAKE UP KUYOU'S ENTIRE BEING. IF THE WORD 'HATE' WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES, IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL IN THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. **HATE**."

Releasing his grip on the alien, Fujiwara crossed his arms over his chest, and stared off into the darkness with an expression that could be best described as _peeved_.

Kyouko turned her head away from the scowling time-traveler and blinked into the darkness. "Oh."

A long moment that seemed like hours passed on the empty street.

"...So does this mean we're not going to be getting that celebratory pizza after all when we get back? I really wanted some bread-sticks!" Kyouko said suddenly, all traces of the previous conversation gone from her mind.

At that sentence, Kuyou's eyes widened to almost comical proportions as she faced the blond man. "Does this mean no side-order of hot-wings is to be purchased either?" Kuyou asked as Fujiwara's right eye twitched spastically.

From her small home, Yuki Nagato glanced up as a cry of rage and ferocity rang through the night sky.

* * *

**A/N: That is one of the reasons why the Anti-SOS Brigade does not go back that far in time themselves for now. And Fujiwara **_**did**_** make an "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream" reference in his tirade. **

**Made just for Cha-Cha Cheesecake, who wanted something done about Kyouko. She's not as spacey in canon and portrayed as kind of a noble muse in Perkele's "The Dream of Haruhi Suzumiya", but...**

**I just can't help but think of her as a Sasaki-obsessed dork who got involved with the wrong kind of folks. Hooray for alternate character interpretations~! **

**AND IF YOU EXPECTED SEX IS THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE OF THE NUMBER, TOO BAD. **


	35. To Disappear

AURyoko stood in front of a massive white background, hands folded behind her back as she smiled joyfully. "Well, friends, they're finally here! Disappearance DVDs have finally hit the market in Japan! I hope each and every one of you can buy one soon for the holidays~! Right, Suzumiya?"

A few feet away, AUHaruhi was vomiting into a trashcan, her long hair being held by a still-smiling AUItsuki.

"Good lord..." gagged the long-haired schoolgirl, raising her head out of the can temporarily. "I look so... so... _chunky_ in that film! Why did they have to keep showing my chest first in the advertisements? I look so bulky! Damn you, Kyounen... You and your stupid all-studying regime! I KNEW I should have exercised more!"

"Don't mind her, ladies and gentlemen. She's just a tad nervous about all the cameras that were shown on her. She's actually really excited!" AUItsuki lied, holding back his crush's hair as her heaving resumed.

In a completely unrelated matter, regular Haruhi danced by, pirouetting like a vain dancer from Swan Lake.

"Ummmm, good! yes! Very good! We should all be proud of ourselves. At least we can all sleep soundly, knowing that the first part of our varied fanbase can bask in our glory! _Especially_ mine~!" Ryoko's parallel counterpart exclaimed, giving a cute wink afterward.

"Indeed," spoke the voice of AUYuki, waltzing in from the side. "Now many of our fans can be traumatized by the sight of your enormous 3-D eyebrows reaching for them like the tentacles of a hungry squid from the comfort of their own homes as you do your cute little ballerina dance at the big climax."

AURyoko nodded enthusiastically. "Absolutely, Nagato! Now they can all- HEY! Why you little... After all I've done for you, too! YAAAAAAAH!" screeched AURyoko, rushing after a giggling bookworm with her fingers outstretched.

As the two ran off, Kyon stepped into the frame, observed the chaos around him and sighed. "Look, boys and girls, just enjoy our movie if you ever want to see it. And if you manage to see it without the aid of a terrible cam-rip, then by all means, do it. If you can withstand the power of Asakura's facial hair, you can withstand anything, I assume."

"AS SOON AS I CATCH NAGATO, YOU'RE NEXT, YOU HOME-WRECKER!"

"Yeah, lovely. Anyways, hope you all have a holly jolly Christmas soon."

"And you all better buy my movie when it comes near you!" Haruhi roared, popping her head into view. "Watching a pirated version of my film is high treason! I'm freaking GOD! I can turn you all into frogs or let loose a plague of locusts on your asses! Because I'm God! I can do all that shit."

Kyon clapped his hands weakly. "Yes, Haruhi, we all know you're a goddess. Now go and take your nap. I'll bring you a cookie if you're good."

"YAY!" With that, Haruhi happily skipped away.

"Gee. That was pretty easy. She usually puts up more of a fight. And Asakura seems to be too preoccupied with chasing Nagato's shyer self to care about me. This turned out to be a pretty great day after all! Whaddaya know!"

Smiling, Kyon turned around to leave... just in time to see Mikuru's alternate-self propelling her fist towards his face like a rocket.

"Oh, shi-"

"_**MIKURU PAAAWNCH!**_"

"CAPTAIN MIKURU!" AUTsuruya cried out in anguish.

Needless to say, a massive and epic explosion shortly followed that.

* * *

**A/N: Yay, Disappearance is on DVD~. **


	36. The Esper Who Got Run Over

_Itsuki got stepped on by a Celestial!  
Walkin' home from Closed Space Christmas eve.  
You can say there's no such thing as Shinjins.  
But as for me and Yuki, we believe..._

_He'd been smokin' too much Mary-Jane!  
And we'd begged him not to go.  
But he'd forgot his loli-rape kit,  
And he staggered out the door into the snow._

_When we found him Christmas mornin',  
At the scene of the attack.  
He had cricket claw-marks on his forehead,  
And a jumbo-sized footprint on his back~!_

_Itsuki got stepped on by a Celestial!  
Walkin' home from Closed Space Christmas eve.  
You can say there's no such thing as Shinjins.  
But as for me and Yuki, we believe..._

_Now we're all so proud of Kyon.  
Haruhi's been takin' this well, too.  
See them in there watchin' football,  
Drinkin' beer and tryin' to grope poor Mikuru._

_It's not Christmas without Itsuki!  
Not a single molestation on a kid.  
And Kyouko can't help but wonder:  
Was it mean to scribble on his coffin lid?_

_Itsuki got stepped on by a Celestial!  
Walkin' home from Closed Space Christmas eve.  
You can say there's no such thing as Shinjins.  
But as for me and Yuki, we believe..._

**At Itsuki's Funeral...**

"Wow. Koizumi's really gone," Kyon muttered, hands in his jacket pockets as he watched the casket get lowered into the ground.

"Uh-huh. Sad. He was a really good second-in-command," Haruhi added, clad in her little black dress. Yuki, Mikuru, Tsuruya, Arakawa, Mori, Keiichi, Yutaka, Imouto, Miyoko, and the bespectacled boy, Four-eyes, all watched the service in a grim silence. Oddly enough, Kyouko Tachibana was there, despite being somewhat of a rival to Itsuki's group (she was mainly there out of respect- Fujiwara and Kuyou didn't wanna come on a chilly day, and funerals always made Sasaki weepy).

A long silence passed.

"...Well!" said Haruhi, clasping her hands together. "Who's up for pizza?"

"Pizza? Sweet," Kyon said, grinning.

"Hmmmm... I could eat," Mori chimed in.

"Me, too!" chirped Mikuru, while Yuki nodded.

"Pizza? Yummers, nyoro! I want extra cheese on my slice!" Tsuruya laughed.

"I'll go and warm up the limo!" cheered Arakawa, flanked by both of the Tamaru brothers as he dashed off for the car.

"Too bad Koizumi's gone," Kyouko sniffed, blowing her nose in a tissue. "To think I never got to have my final confrontation with him! Just think of the great Closed Space battle we could have had!"

"Are you even capable of direct combat? We don't even know even WITH the canon material," Yuki pointed out. They all began to walk away in a group.

"...SHUT UP! THAT'S WHY! WAAAH!" Kyouko sobbed melodramatically. Yuki wisely back away.

"Err, guys?" came the voice of Itsuki, approaching the group from the side in his school-wear. "I'm not really dead. Just woke up under several tons of snow. Had to dig my way out with my favorite bong. Good thing it didn't get smashed! And you do know that the coffin you were all in front of is filled with bricks, right? Guys?"

"Boy, will I be missing Koizumi! Best subordinate I ever had! ...Kyon, you can have all his points," Haruhi merely added as an afterthought while she examined her fingernails.

"Awesome!" said the cynic.

"But, guys, I'm alive!" Itsuki shouted once again.

Tsuruya stopped catching snowflakes with her tongue and looked over with a bored face. "Oh. Heya, Koizumi. Guys, he's actually alive and stuff."

"Hooray. More paperwork to fill out," Mori said unenthusiastically.

"KOIZUMI~!" Kyouko yelled with relish, latching herself onto her rival's left leg like a child. "Don't you ever die on me again! Only_** I**_ can beat you! ME!"

"Welcome back, I guess," Haruhi followed up, shrugging her shoulders. "Wanna get some pizza with us, Koizumi?"

"Pizza? Sure thing, Miss Suzumiya!" Itsuki chuckled, before turning his gaze to Imouto, Miyoko, and Four-eyes. "But first... Heh heh heh..." He chuckled and rubbed his hands together shiftily.

"AAAAAAHHH!" all three children cried together as they fled with the esper on their tail (Kyouko had yet to release her grasp on him, too).

"...Say, whatever happened to that giant that squished him? And where did those cricket claw-marks come from?" Mikuru pondered out loud.

"Perhaps we'll never know," Kyon muttered. But if any of the gang had chosen to look up, they would have seen a most wonderful and magical sight in the sky. One full of surprise and delight.

An enormous sleigh being pulled by a giant insect wearing reindeer-antlers, being driven by a glowing giant with a bobbing red hat on his head...

"**HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! ...NOW OFF TO DESTROY THE WORLD~!**"

"HEY, SHINJIN, HOW LONG DO I GOTTA PULL THIS THING?"

"SHUT UP, AND KEEPING PULLING, WILLIE!"

"DAMN IT, I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME BY MY REAL NAME!"

* * *

**A/N: Not the**_** entire**_** song if any of you noticed.  
**

**And, yes, that was Shinjin the Celestial from my other Christmas spoof. By the way, your typical loli-rape kit comes with a bag of candy, a stuffed-animal, stickers, a bottle of chloroform, and rag, and a length of rope.**

**Stayed tuned for the REAL Christmas special! **


	37. Merry Effing Christmas

The scene is Kyon's living room. A Christmas tree sits in the corner with plenty of gifts. Stockings decorate the outside of the fire-place. And a dancing Santa stands on top of the coffee table.

From the right enters Kyon himself, smiling for once.

"Boys and girls, today is the day. If you have to ask just _what_ day, you are incredibly dumb. Christmas! A time of gifts, carols, cookies, and love for your fellow man," Kyon says jovially. "Now we don't usually celebrate Christmas here much in the way you Westerners do it, but we've decided to say no to the system and have a traditional Christmas special right here in my house. It's what the author would have wanted for you all! Haruhi should be here any minute along with the others. Wonder what kind of holiday nuttiness she's got planned for us all, I wonder?"

Finishing his cheery intro, Kyon suddenly noticed a small envelope lying on his coffee table. Seeing it was addressed to him, he opened it.

_Dear, Kyon,_

_First of all, I'd like to express how deeply sorry I am for not being able to make it to your Christmas special. It really means a lot to me and stuff. I'd go on, but I really can't keep pulling crap out of my ass. As for the reason why I'm not here... well, I've chosen to spend this holiday hibernating. Yes, that's right. I've built up quite the layer of fat so I can stay warm. I've also layered the little area under your couch with blankets to make a cozy little den so I can hide from the harsh Nishinomiya winter and I've stocked about a month's worth of food under there so I don't starve._

_Best of luck on your shitty little Christmas special, Kyon!_

_Love, Haruhi S._

_P.S.: If you even THINK about touching my cocoa, I'll use your testicles as a punching-bag and rip your kidneys out through your eye-sockets._

Kyon's eye twitched. The good mood he had been in had been ruined, replaced by anger. How _dare_ she! This whole thing had been her idea in the first place and she just skipped out on it!

Enraged, Kyon grabbed the sharpest poker from beside the fireplace, and used the end to lift a piece of fabric on the side of the couch, as well as the back of Haruhi's skirt, revealing white panties with blue snowflakes.

"Merry Christmas... Hope you enjoyed the view, perv..." Haruhi mumbled, pulling down her skirt. Kyon blushed a bit, but quickly remembered what he was doing. Many phrases went through his mind on what to yell at Haruhi, although he also considered using the little shovel thing to drag her half-sleeping form out from under the couch and beating her senseless, but that would probably have bad consequences with closed space and all.

Picking up the sharp tool, Kyon aimed it right at Haruhi's sleepy butt... and simply started prodding her.

"...Quit it," Haruhi mumbled.

_Poke._

"...Cut it out," she replied again.

_Poke._

"...I'm serious, stop that!" Haruhi roared this time.

Kyon prodded her again.

_Poke._

"...If you wanna spoon with me, all ya gotta do is ask~..." Haruhi said in a Konataesque tone of voice.

Kyon dropped the poker and recoiled back from the possibly horny tsundere, only to back into something cold and solid. "Season's greetings," said Yuki, wearing a Santa hat. Behind her stood Itsuki in a tacky Frosty the snowman sweater and Mikuru, wearing a reindeer-antler headband and a green scarf in her sailor fuku.

"Hello, guys. I won't question how you managed to break into my house at the moment. I'm kind of dealing with a small problem at the moment," Kyon stated, waving weakly as he gestured to the dozing Haruhi.

"Your sister let us in," Itsuki clarified, peering down at the couch. "Just what seems to be the problem here?"

"Your Majesty refuses to stop snoozing and help us do a Christmas special," sighed Kyon.

"Ah. What a shame."

Turning over to Mikuru, Kyon noticed that the object of his constant erections was swaying slightly and smiling in a dazed way. "What's wrong with Miss Asahina?"

"She has ingested a large amount of eggnog. We figured it would loosen her up for the special. She seems well," answered Yuki, hat bobbing along with her words.

"_**URRRP!**_" Mikuru clamped her hands over her mouth and darted her eyes at her stunned friends. "Errr, sorry. Feeling a little gassy and stuff."

"Better you than..." Kyon gestured to Haruhi with his foot and chuckled. As if not noticing the current problem, Yuki sauntered past the boys and sat herself down on the couch. Preferably on the area located just above Haruhi's head.

"Owww! Watch it, whoever you are!" shouted Haruhi, rubbing her head. In response, Yuki sat up, then plopped down again. "Ooof! HEY!"

Mikuru pushed Yuki to the side. "I WANT A TURN!" the drunken moeblob exclaimed, dropping her perfectly rounded ass onto the area where Haruhi's head was as Yuki bounced on the other end of the couch. Like five-year old children, the two had a ball bouncing and torturing another (plus Kyon got a kick out of the fact that Mikuru had forgotten a bra that day). The fun stopped when Haruhi's arms snaked out and grabbed the two girls by their ankles, and proceeded to hurl them into Kyon's dining room

"Okay, you two, I think that was enough," Itsuki began, not caring if they were hurt or not. "Now what exactly is going on here?" Kyon picked up the letter and handed it to the esper.

"Here."

"Oh? Hmmmmm... Uh-huh... ...and rip your kidneys out through your eye-sockets? Oh, dear. This looks serious," Itsuki finished, folding the letter up.

"Yeah, can you get her out from my couch? I'm worried about what's gonna happen if she needs to use the bathroom and such. Well, that, and the special," Kyon said with a sneer.

Itsuki nodded and walked over to the couch, kicking the poker out of the way. "Miss Suzumiya? Are you in there?"

"Go away, Koizumi," Haruhi snorted. "I am much too plump to be bothered. Come see me in the spring!"

"Come on now, we'd really like to talk to you. You're not a bear or groundhog," Itsuki coaxed gently.

"...That's nice... Say, can you bring me some food? I think I left the can-opener on the counter." Kyon thanked the heavens that she couldn't access her beans, jelly, broccoli, or butterscotch for one of her monstrous sandwiches.

"Now, now, let's try to be reasonable. Can you just come outside? We're all here for YOUR special!" the esper declared.

"...Why can't it be a HaruhiRolled special? I want mah bigger spotlight this year!" Haruhi whined like a spoiled brat.

"Miss Suzumiya, you know we got a bomb-threat two weeks ago, plus the author is-"

"WAAAAH!" Haruhi cried from under the couch.

"You know what? This could go on for a _very_ long time," Yuki said as she walked out from the dining room, Mikuru's head on her shoulder.

"Indeed," Kyon replied."

"Is everything alright in here- GOD DAMN IT, WHO LEFT THIS POKER HERE!" the loud voice of Kyon's little sister shrieked as she clutched her bleeding foot.

"Are you okay~?" Itsuki rushed over to aid Kyon's sister with grabby hands.

"Go to hell, Koizumi!" Imouto replied, hobbling over to her brother's side out of the reach of the pedo.

"Good girl," Kyon congratulated.

Yuki sat upon the part of the couch where she could not harm Haruhi, and said, "Does anyone have any suggestions for what we can do for a Christmas special? I have an idea of my own if anyone is curious."

"Mmm? What?" Mikuru sleepily said from her spot on the rug.

"Yeah, what story?" Haruhi asked in an almost eager tone of voice.

"I thought you didn't want to be involved in our special?" Kyon asked, a smile tugging on his lips.

"...Well, I don't! Go on ahead with your lousy idea!"

"Well..." The alien adjusted her hat. "I call it _Asakura the Frosty-hearted Back-up Unit_. The tale of an extraterrestrial who, once given an enchanted hat by some unsuspecting children, decides to cause a massive explosion of data by going to accost Santa Claus. He doesn't go without a fight, however."

"Sounds... neat," said Imouto.

"I got one, too!" Mikuru butted in. "I call it... _The Sneering Bastard Who Stole Christmas!_"

"Part of me is morbidly curious on that one," Kyon voiced. Even Itsuki seemed to be nodding.

"I wanna sing the 12 Days of Christmas!" tweeted Imouto.

Mikuru raised an eyebrow. "The song that Tsuruya thinks is a menu?"

"Yep!"

"Ah."

"I think my idea is better," Yuki concluded proudly.

"It's a tad garden-variety," smiled Itsuki. "I propose we gather around as I tell the story of _Emiri the Green-haired Nobody_. Everyone used to laugh and call her names, as I recall!"

The silent bibliophile glared. "They _still_ do."

"You're both wrong! My idea is a billion times better!" crowed Mikuru, stifling another belch.

"I have the only good one! Your ideas all stink!" Imouto screamed.

"I got some ideas..." came the weak voice of Haruhi, still under the couch.

But before the friends could argue some more, the wall suddenly exploded inwards. The smoked cleared away slowly. It was none other than... the Anti-SOS Brigade!

"We have come to wish you some happy holidays, and to provide some comic-relief," stated Sasaki.

"Yes!" said Fujiwara, slipping on a patch of snow.

"Why is Miss Suzumiya under the couch?" Kyouko questioned. At her words, Haruhi's head withdrew into the safety of her comfy hideaway.

"She's trying to hibernate for the winter. I think..." Kyon answered. "So can I get you all anything?"

"Oh, no. We're not hungry. And Kuyou is on a diet. Don't want her putting on any holiday-weight," Fujiwara replied.

As this was going on, said alien was now standing at the couch and looking down at where Haruhi was, having sensed her presence. "...Have you any sustenance?"

"GO AWAY, SCARY GHOST-BABY," came Haruhi's response. Disappointed, Kuyou got up and began to walk away... until something in the kitchen caught her attention.

Kyouko turned around and noticed the fighting between Itsuki, Yuki, Mikuru, and Imouto. "Now, now! You all must not fight! It's Christmas!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Yuki asked.

"Yeah!" said Imouto.

The gang all turned to face the always-deluded esper. A soft melody began to play out of nowhere.

Sasaki looked about. "Where's that music coming from? And why are my moral-senses kicking in?"

A large spotlight descended upon Kyouko, while a chorus of angels sing. "People should never fight during the holidays. But it's during some times like these that when we fight, we show just how much we truly care for the other person. If you didn't bother to argue with the person at all, then you'd have nothing to feel for that person at all in your heart," Kyouko spoke, the unseen chorus getting louder. "And Christmas shouldn't be about big, fancy specials! Or video games, or money, expensive clothes, or having to put up with people you don't like! It's all about the birth of a very special person. A person who blessed this planet's people and creatures with the ability to love and care for one another. A person who will one day lead this world to a blissful paradise. Because isn't the birthday of our savior more important than what's in your stocking?"

The chorus reached a final crescendo and stopped. The spotlight faded away. The entire room was so deadly quiet, that you could hear a pin drop. A loud sniffle came from under the couch.

"My GOD, that was beautiful~..." sobbed Haruhi.

"Aww, fuck, I got something in my fucking eye..." Fujiwara grimaced and looked away, making sure no one could see him bring a tissue to his face. From the kitchen, Kuyou choked back a cry of sadness. Yuki and Mikuru shared a hug. Kyon smiled and ruffled Imouto's hair.

"That was really sweet, Kyouko," Sasaki said softly, trying to regain her cool composure. "Really sweet."

"It really was," Itsuki exclaimed, placing a hand on a smiling Kyouko's shoulder. "We should always remember that Christmas isn't just a day about Santa Claus or presents... It's the day we should all be celebrating Jesus' birthday."

Kyouko continued to smile... then glanced at the other esper with a look of complete anger and bewilderment . "The fuck are you talking about, Puff the Magic Faggot? _**I WAS TALKIN' ABOUT SASAKI!**_"

As Fujiwara and Sasaki performed a double facepalm, Mikuru stood up, an equal amount of rage in her eyes. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKIN' ABOUT _**MEXICAN**_ JESUS!"

"AND I THOUGHT YA MEANT _**RAPTOR**_ JESUS!" hollered Imouto.

In less than a second, the room erupted into a full-blown argument.

Kyon sighed. "How can this get any worse?"

In response, Shamisen trotted over to Kyon and sat next to him. "Actually, yes," answered the cat. "The readers of this fanfic are so appalled at the shoddy quality of this so-called special, that they have already begun to set fire to our house, Kyon."

Curious, Kyon got up and peered out his window. Already, a large ring of flame had risen up around the perimeter of his home.

"..._**Well!**_" he finally said.

"HEY, IS IT GETTING WARM IN HERE OR IS IT JUST ME?" whined Haruhi, peeking out. "...PUT DOWN MY FUCKING COCOA, SUOU!"

* * *

**A/N: Merry Christmas to all my friends!**

**Credit goes to ObsidianWarrior for coming up with the idea, as well as helping to write the letter and other bits. Thank you, my friend. Happy holidays to you. **

**I like reviews. It's Christmas. So guess what? GIMME THEM AS PRESENTS! ...Please? **

**And now to work on some other stuff. **


	38. The Bacon of Haruhi Suzumiya

"Kyon!" Haruhi shouted, kicking the door to the clubroom in. "You'll never guess what I have found after hours of countless searching!"

"First of all, you told me you were going to the library and that was ten minutes ago," Kyon answered wearily, bored of waiting during lunch. "And as for your question, I'm going to go with... a sense of self-control?"

"Nertz to that, you waste of flesh! I have something more valuable than that! I have finally found the map!" Haruhi paused for dramatic effect. She leaned into Kyon's face, something hidden in her hands behind her back.

Kyon looked to the side to avoid the club-leader's creepy gaze and said, "Map to what? Or where? Atlantis? El Dorado? The Garden of Eden? "

"Nuh-uh! More legendary and mystical than those spots! I have found..." Haruhi thrust a tattered sheet of brown paper in Kyon's face. "_**...THE MAP TO BACON MOUNTAIN~!**_"

"...The map to what?"

"Bacon Mountain! It's only the most magical and awesome thing ever! An entire pile of crispy goodness that rises so far, that it is said to kiss the sky. A river of maple-syrup flows straight from its peak! Fluffy waffles and pancakes decorate the earth around it. And scrambled-egg bushes dot its cliffs. Truly a delight for the human soul!"

"Haruhi, are you doing any kind of... drugs? We _can_ get you some help."

"I'm not on anything!" Haruhi snapped. "Bacon Mountain is real! It's the only food I'd ever want to have sex with! I've loved it since I was a child!"

"Sure, sure... But what exactly are you going to do? Climb it? Because I highly doubt that even you could eat the whole thing without dying. Even WITH the help of Nagato and Tsuruya."

"Ha!" scoffed the tsundere. "What kind of fool do you take me for? You and I will embark on a two-man expedition to the summit. Once there, we will meet the fabled King Yum-Yum. Lord of all pigs and swine. His many sons and daughters will be present as well. We shall steal one of King Yum-Yum's children, bring it back here, and chow down on the most succulent bacon ever!"

The straight-man tried to hold in the flood of questions he wanted to spit out (like why the fuck the leader of all hogs would want to live on a tower of its slain brethren), but he instead decided to ask, "Are you seriously going to try to steal a piglet? To eat? We could just go down to the corner-market and buy you a pack of bacon. And even if you DO manage to climb to the top, what's going to be stopping you from growing attached to the pig and wussing out from killing it?"

"Not to worry." Haruhi withdrew a large kitchen knife from _somewhere_, and ran a finger over its side, shooting her subordinate a sinister smile. "I fully intend to brutally butcher and devour this animal once we capture it. Even in front of its parent if I must. Hee hee hee hee~..."

Extremely creeped out, Kyon stepped over a puddle of drool (a bi-product of his leader's speech), and snatched the map from Haruhi's clutches. "Haruhi..." he said, giving the paper a once-over. "...this is a fake map."

"Eh?" said Haruhi, glancing up from her reflection in the knife.

"First of all, this map has been drawn on the back of an old poster for the music club. Secondly, Bacon Mountain has been drawn entirely in crayon. Thirdly, this back-story at the bottom about King Yum-Yum has more errors than Taniguchi's grammar tests and is written in ink. And at last, there's a faint spot of strawberry-jam on the corner, which is the same kind of jam they were serving today at the early student-breakfast event. Meaning some kids were probably eating as they drew up this map as a gag for you to find," Kyon explained in a single breath, not even looking the least bit tired.

Haruhi's jaw dropped as the knife nearly slipped out of her grasp. "B-B-But..."

"Face it, Haruhi," the boy muttered, tossing the paper carelessly onto the table. "Some immature jerks just wanted to dupe you. Bacon Mountain isn't real."

With an all-knowing, but sympathetic smile, Kyon walked past a sullen-faced Haruhi and into the hallway to go eat his lunch.

The very next day, Kyon stepped outside his house and fell into a river of maple-syrup. He was subsequently fished out by a passing Haruhi and her French-toast raft.

* * *

**A/N: BACON- IT'S GOOD. AND GOOD FOR YOU~!**

**Credit to BKE for the lulzy idea. **

**No pigs were harmed during the making of this chapter. **


	39. A Tangled Web

Ryoko Achakura stood in front of a yellow laptop. She held a nub of a hand to her chin and tilted her head in thought.

"What are you up to this time?" Mr. Kimidori questioned, floating towards her.

"Nagato left for an hour-long meeting with Miss Suzumiya just now. Forgot to take her laptop with her," Achakura pointed out, gesturing at the machine on the small table before them.

"And you're thinking about browsing around on it?" the balloon animal inquired.

"Ah." The chibi fidgeted in place. "You caught me red-handed."

"Why would you want to look at her things anyways? Or do you just want to '_surf the web_'? I'm pretty certain most individuals call it that these days."

"It's not like I'm snooping! It's just that I'm curious as to what Nagato is up to. I know she plays games on it, but I don't quite know what kinds. And I already finished all my chores! I deserve a bit of freedom to do something I want! ...Right?"

Mr. Kimidori swallowed down the lecture he was about to preach, his more mischievous side perking up. "I don't think it would really hurt. We can always clear what we look at in the next hour."

"Yes! Of course!"

"...Not like anyone's getting hurt."

"Oh, no, no, no. No one is going to be embarrassed or wronged in any way!"

"And this laptop belongs to this apartment. So it's technically ours. We have a right to it."

Achakura giggled. "Yeah! Let's hurry before she comes back early!"

And so Achakura hopped onto Mr. Kimidori's back, floated onto the table, and booted up the laptop. Surely there wouldn't be anything too bad, since they knew the owner well enough at heart.

**Hours Later...**

As Yuki read a book in the living room, Achakura and Mr. Kimidori sat on her bed. Both of them shook occasionally.

"I... I... I never knew Nagato was that kind of person... So much... hentai," the midget muttered to herself, eyes wide open.

"Yes... Quite a bit of shocking news," Mr. Kimidori said in agreement.

"I just never pegged Nagato as the sort of person to develop an interest in _those_ types of games! She goes around being all stoic and quiet, and then this springs up! My view of her has just been... shattered."

"I think we should never bring this up to her. Too awkward."

"And to think!" Achakura yelled out loud to herself, flopping onto Yuki's pillow. "Nagato even had the gall to download several files of actual pornography onto a hidden file on her laptop! The nerve of her!"

Snapping to attention at that, Mr. Kimidori shifted his nonexistent eyes feverishly. "Ummmmmmm, yes, how utterly repugnant of her..."

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to Cha-Cha Cheesecake for the idea to use these guys. Mr. Kimidori has his odd habits, it seems... **

**Now I'd like to take the time to promote a fic that I have read on here and have really enjoyed. **

**It is written by an author named TheP, and entitled "****Bad things happening to Kyon". The grammar and punctuation are a bit of a mess, but the humor involved in some of the later chapters are some of the best I have seen. It's kind of like my earlier HaruhiRolled chapters. Give it a read and a review if you can. Defiantly one of the more humorous crack fics here. **

**Thanks. :) **


	40. An Ill Planned Escape

If there was one thing that Haruhi Suzumiya knew, it was that she had a lot of enemies. There was the Computer Club that always shot her dirty looks. The entire Student Council was always trying to put her down. And there was always Sasaki's gaggle of lackeys skulking about in the shadows...

"They're all out to get me... All of them! They won't get the best of Haruhi Suzumiya! They won't!" the brunette exclaimed to herself one lonely clubroom day.

She knew she could easily destroy her foes if they ever came to take her out one day. But even a good leader knows that it's always best to have a back-up plan. So she gathered as much metal and plywood from the shop classes, some tools from home, and whatever electronic parts she could wheedle out of the neighborhood shop-keeps.

Finally, her task was complete. It had been pretty easy to hide her masterpiece right in the middle of the clubroom(odd how a blue tarp could even slip under Yuki's radar). It had all the necessary parts in case she and the others had to make a hasty getaway. Well, that was a lie. It only had two seats in total. But that was more than enough.

_I'll bet Kyon will be proud of me..._ Haruhi thought with a sleazy smile. _He'd better like this._ _After all, I'm allowing him the chance to escape with me while the others buy us time in the middle of an attack! _

Amphibious Secretly Constructed Rapid Ascape Craft.

What an ingenious name! With a spring in her step, Haruhi sped away to inform the others of the escape-vehicle she had invented on her own. But something weird happened each time she did...

**With Itsuki...**

"Hey, Koizumi! Come to the clubroom with me! I want to show you my ASCRAC! You'll be the first guy to get a glimpse of it!"

Itsuki blushed darkly and passed out.

**With Mikuru...**

"Mikuru, you cutie! Care to see my magnificent ASCRAC?"

Mikuru blinked in horror before she started to sputter incomprehensibly.

**With Yuki...**

"Yuki! Follow me to the clubroom! I want to introduce you to my ASCRAC! It's huge!"

Yuki stared at her for a bit before crossing her arms, and donning what appeared to be a smirk. "I'll be there in a bit. But I bet mine's bigger~."

**With Kyon...**

"There you are, Kyon! Everyone's been acting really weird when I try to show them my ASCRAC! I don't get why though. I worked really hard on making it perfect over this whole week. And no one wants to look at it! But that'll change when my ASCRAC saves us all from danger! I even took the time out of my Brigade duties to give it a good cleaning! ...What?"

Kyon blinked repeatedly and looked like a trout out of water. "Haruhi... What are you talking about...?"

"I'm talking about my- _OOOOHHHH_."

**Later...**

After finally getting what was so funny and awkward, Haruhi finally decided to change the name of her half-baked machine. Rather than take it apart like Kyon advised (he thought they didn't need an escape-pod _yet_ at this stage in their lives), she decided to improve on it. It took some time, but in the end, she had made the proper improvements to make it even better.

Buoyant Operational Observational Bionic Intricate Escape System.

Haruhi grinned to herself.

No one would ever think about mocking her precious BOOBIES!

* * *

**A/N: Written just for you, ObsidianWarrior. And thanks for informing me about Superjail!. :3 **

**And, yes, HARUHI FREAKING MISSPELLED 'ESCAPE'. **


	41. My Bloody Valentine

Kyon was minding his own business as he walked down the absurdly empty hallway of his school to see his friends. Currently on his mind was the fact that today was Singles Awareness Day.

Or Valentine's Day. He just hoped Haruhi didn't have anything too wacky planned for the meeting.

_I wonder how many Valentine's Day fics I'll be in... _Kyon pondered. _Oh, well. I hope Miss Asahina will make some great chocolate. She's always a treasure~... _

"There you are, Kyon! I've been looking for you everywhere!" came a merry voice from behind him, accompanied by a pitter-patter of footsteps.

Kyon stopped in his tracks and suppressed a groan and a shudder.

_How does this girl keep coming back anyways? She probably has a stash of 1-ups hidden around here. Probably farmed them from Super Mario Galaxy 2 or something... And if Haruhi never liked her that much in the first place, why does she keep coming back? _Kyon bitterly thought, making no effort to hide his scowl. "Sup, Asakura. What do you want?"

Ryoko, clad in her cardigan, stopped in her tracks. "That's a very rude way to speak to a friend." She stuck out a quivering lip and gave him her best puppy-dog eyes.

Kyon peered over and saw that the alien had her right hand (her stabby hand, he'd deemed it) hidden behind her back. "We're not exactly what you would call friends."

"It hurts that you still hold a grudge against me like that. I said I was sorry."

"I'm not comfortable holding _anything_ against you, Asakura. Now what is it that you need?"

The blunette dropped her mopey look and giggled. "Well, I take it you know what today is?" Ryoko asked with a smile, her hand still behind her back. She suddenly used her free to hand to adjust the top of her cardigan a bit.

"Yes. Valentine's Day. Why? Looking forward to some obligation chocolates later on?" Kyon asked warily. For a second, he'd thought he'd smelled something funny, but shook it off.

"Oh, no, no. You don't need to give me anything. In order to make up for my past transgressions, I decided to partake in this holiday and give you a gift. To finally make amends between the two of us. I truly mean it when I say I'm sorry, Kyon," Ryoko spoke, revealing the red heart-shaped box from behind her. Now feeling guilty for his earlier behavior, Kyon took the box, his chivalrous side trying to silence the paranoid voice in his head.

"This is very generous of you, Asakura. I supposed that if Nagato can forgive you, I can, too." The brunette turned the box about in his hands. There was that smell again. Coppery.

"Thank you very much, Kyon! It pleases me to hear you say that," the blunette replied. "I spent a lot of time researching this human tradition. Most interesting."

"Oh?" Kyon said. He was pretty curious to hear what his former enemy had to say about a day that promoted love and affection. He wrinkled his nose- now he was certain that he could smell something odd.

"Yes. I learned about how it began and how it was passed down."

"I see."

"I read about all of the commercialism involved, too."

"Uh-huh."

"And finally, I looked into the aspects of symbolism! That particular bit of research was what inspired my choice for your gift."

"...In what way?"

Ryoko held a hand to her mouth, and for once, Kyon finally saw what appeared to be some kind of weird stain on her uniform that her coat had been hiding previously. "Isn't it obvious, Kyon? I wanted to give you the greatest gift of all to show you that I cared: My love. My heart." She tittered sweetly and fluttered her eyelashes at him.

Kyon's eyes widened and he suddenly opened up the box in morbid curiosity. _She COULDN'T have! ...Could she?_

There, under several white papers, was a small reddish lump the size of a peach.

_It moved_.

"See how sincere I'm being about wanting to make it up to you, Kyon? My heart now belongs to you, and you only~!" Ryoko chirped, extending her arms and allowing Kyon to fully see the bloody stain seeping through her coat above her breast. "Feel free to put it wherever you want. Do you like it? Be honest now."

Kyon continued to stare at his classmate for a bit until he threw up right all over her present... and her as well.

"Sooooo..." Ryoko started, taking out a tissue for her blouse first. "I guess I came off a bit too strong, didn't I?"

Kyon weakly nodded through his dry-heaves.

* * *

**A/N: Ryoko and hearts don't mesh well as a subject matter, huh? **

**Happy Valentine's Day. **


	42. Oh, What Fresh Hell is This?

Haruhi was not having a good day. Right now, she was getting slammed into the floor of a wrestling-ring by her arch-nemesis, Sasaki. A crowd made up of various characters, ranging from Angel Beats to Code Geass, were cheering from the sides. The setting then changed to the author himself, Super, cackling maliciously in a dark room that smelled like water-proof potatoes, while he was wearing a red cape and fancy hat.

"Hehe... Heh... Ohhh... This is delishz!" Super cackled, his laughter ringing from the metallic walls like the sounds of imps with butcher knives running through a trash-compactor. Suddenly, BKE entered the scene, dressed in a stylish blue vest, the color like a cool pond that reflects the innermost secrets of the dark soul.

"I suppose we shan't be needing those peculiar devices any longer. Dost thou wish me to dispose of them?" BKE questioned with concern, his voice cutting through the purple prose like a knife through margarine.

Super stared at BKE as though he had just bitchslapped his mother and then gazed lovingly at the Nintendo DS-like device in his sexy fingers. "No. Not until I see those STRT FIGHTERZ pumled to dst. Which shuld be an momnt nao~!"

A second later, Sasaki was shown owning Haruhi on the screen of the DS with a close-liner. The tsundere emitted a sound that was strongly akin to an orgasm as she hit the mat. From the audience, Yuki Nagato sat in between Rei Ayanami and Kanade Tachibana, and pointed at the scene in front of her.

"LOL!" she actually said.

Super pumped his fist into the air from his room, the camera slowly zooming in on him as triumphant music played. "_**YSZ... YSZ!**_"

"No! I must kill the STRT FIGHTERZ!" Gladiator Beast MCK called out, riding in with Cirno on a robotic unicorn through a hole in the ceiling.

Greg Zerich teleported into the room shortly after, a dour expression on his flawless features. "No, MCK. You are the STRT FIGHTERZ."

And then MCK was a zombie.

* * *

**A/N: ...Strange things happen when you are bored. **

**Based off an actual video. **


	43. Lolis, Magents, and Clowns

_AND NOW, A VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE SOS BRIGADE_

"And here they are, the duo of prepubescent hipness, Herp and Derp the Rapping Ass Clowns~!" Haruhi cheered wildly, gesturing to Imouto and Miyoko in the middle of a large studio. Both tots were wearing black and white face-paint on their, err, faces and looking bored out of their skulls. Except for Imouto, who had a tinge of annoyance on her mug.

"Yay~..." they both unenthusiastically cried.

Mikuru could only offer a sad look as she operated the camera.

Seeing the prompt from the crazy god, both girls began to do their... thing.

"Water, fire, air, and dirt..." Imouto dully sang, swinging her hips around. Miyoko strutted into view and crossed her arms in front of her into and X-shape.

"FUCKIN' MAGNETS! HOW DO THEY WORK?" the taller loli shouted.

From the sidelines, the bespectacled boy known as Four-eyes appeared. "Actually, I can answer that easily," he said in a snobbish way, index finger raised. "You see-"

Suddenly, Kyouko dropped down from the ceiling on a rope, arms spread wide open as she prepared to give her answer to the bewildered group. "FUCKING MIRACLES... made by Sasaki."

"Why is your retarded cousin here?" Imouto asked.

"Heck if I know," replied Miyoko.

"Hey, Miyoko, nice to see you here!" Kyouko greeted cheerfully. "...Why are you and Kyon's sister painted to look like homosexuals?"

"How did you idiots get in here! This is a closed set!" thundered Haruhi. Before she could sit on or rape anyone, the pseudo-butler known as Arakawa waltzed right in. In his left hand was a large magnet, held like the skull in the famous scene of Hamlet.

"DEAAATH!" Mikuru squealed, running off, somehow mixing up a magnet with a fucking skull.

"CURSED MAGNETS! I AM CONFOUNDED AND PERPLEXED AS TO HOW THEY DOTH WORK," Arakawa dramatically yelled. "And good afternoon, Miss Herp and Derp."

"I can answer that question, too," Emiri said pleasantly, having appeared out of thin air.

"No fair! I was gonna, seaweed-brain!" Four-eyes growled.

"Bitch, I can catch a knife tossed at several miles per hour. Don't make me chuck you into a traffic-zone," Emiri warned, still smiling. And just before Haruhi could blow up again, a big hole in the roof opened up. A figure daintily dropped down, holding a slice of cake in one hand and a Gibson Les Paul guitar in the other.

"MAGIC... MAGIC EVERYWHERE IN THIS BITCH~," Yui Hirasawa announced, smiling like a druggy. "DERP~."

"Hey, that's my line!" Kyouko whined.

"YOU HAVE ALL RUINED MY EDUCATIONAL SPOT! I USED A LOT OF KYON'S MONEY TO GET THIS TIME-SLOT! YOU WILL ALL PAY! MY GUITAR-PLAYING, CAKE-SNARFING, RETARD OF A CLONE, TOO!" Haruhi raged, walking towards the group with claw-like fingers.

"Haruhi?" Imouto suddenly piped up. "Do you know how magnets work?"

The tsundere froze. "Ummmmm... Yes?"

"Really? How?"

"Uhhhhh... through the power of American hip-hop?"

"Wow. ...You're fucking retarded."

"...NISHINOMIYA RAAAAGE!" Haruhi screamed as she began to chase the assorted group around the studio in a frenzy.

"Look out! My fat twin is going to kill us all!" Yui screeched, destroying the camera when she ran into it.

_THIS HAS BEEN A VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE SOS BRIGADE_

_

* * *

_**A/N: From this point on, I shall use Herp and Derp as derogatory nicknames for Imouto and Miyoko. Because my work already tends to make them look like dorky versions of the Olsen twins anyways.**

**Credit goes to ObsidianWarrior for the names themselves and the general premise. **


	44. You'll Rue this Day, Trebek!

The stage was set. The lights were lit. The contestants were at the podiums. The studio audience had been waiting for the last three damn hours. And the commercials were probably over by now.

It was show-time.

"This... is... _JEOPARDY_!"

The announcer's voice rang through the studio, and the prompts came up for the crowd to start cheering. The familiar, thought-provoking tune that was typical of the game-show started playing as the camera panned over to the host...

"Hello. Alex Trebek has evidently quit his job after being continually harassed by Sean Connery, so I'm here as his replacement. I'm Kyon."

Dressed in a rather fancy suit, and sitting behind his podium, Kyon sighed as he was somehow employed to take over the job of this game-show. And saying he was a disgruntled host would be... taking it really, really lightly. The contestants right now made Kyon want to tear his hair out and kill himself, but alas, Haruhi deemed it so that he become the host of this show as a means of acquiring more publicity for the SOS Brigade. Haruhi herself was directing the show and taking position as lead camerawoman. The tsundere goddess gestured over from behind the camera for her man-slave to keep going.

"Okay, then... here are our contestants... In third place is Taniguchi, with $-62,000," Kyon began. The renowned pervert gave a cheesy thumbs up and an even cheesier smile as he proudly stood behind his podium. "Taniguchi, I don't really think that having such a score is something to be proud of."

"Well, I've got my podium next to two hot chicks, so I'm a winner no matter what! But don't worry... my girlfriend said that she wouldn't go out with me again unless I took her out to a nice dinner, so I aim to at least get out of here with $10,000. I'm sure that I'm determined enough to make a comeback..."

Kyon facepalmed.

"To Taniguchi's date: My condolences. Now then, onto our next contestant, who is in a commanding lead right now with $20, is Tsuruya. I have no idea what the hell she is doing on this show, as she already has enough money to buy all of the smoked-cheese in Wisconsin... in fact, I'm pretty sure she could even buy the state, and rename it Nyoro~land..."

"**HI, MOM! NYORO~!**"

The crazed millionaire girl made a toothy grin to the camera as she flailed around her hand like an idiot. Kyon once again facepalmed. However, he dreaded introducing the next contestant, but since Haruhi was the Ultra Director of Jeopardy now, and his pay _and_ life were at stake, he knew he had no choice.

"Charming. Now then, onto our last contestant, who is trailing behind with $-9,741... Ryoko Asakura."

From behind her podium, the blunette yandere sighed as she crossed her arms.

"I would like to object to your apparent judging of right and wrong answers... I still fail to see how the correct answer to, 'This is the sound a doggy makes' is not, 'I'm going to kill you if I don't win'."

Kyon gulped as he tugged at the collar of his suit.

"Good point... I'll reset your score back to 0, and we can get back underway with this game. Now then, this is Double Jeopardy, and here are the categories..."

**Potent Potables**

**Fanfiction Authors**

**1337 Slang**

**Famous Titles**

**"Blank" in a Box**

**The Number 4 **(For the curious, the answer to any question in this category is 4)

**The ABCs**

**Sports Played by Baseball Players**

"Okay, then, since you're in the lead, Tsuruya, you'll pick the first category," Kyon declared.

Tsuruya placed a hand on her chin, as she inspected the board. "I'll take... **Fanfiction Authors** for $800, nyoro."

"Okay, then..." Kyon sighed as he pulled out a card. "'He is the greatest renown crack-author on the international website, Fanfiction dot net.'"

_Beep-Beep-Beep!_

"Taniguchi?"

"Who is SweetStuff666?"

Kyon paused as he looked at the grey-haired pervert oddly. "I'm sorry, that's incorrect... Who in the hell is that, anyway? I have never heard of him..."

"That's _my_ fanfiction account," Taniguchi declared proudly. While he gloated in his narcissism, he garnered the continued facepalms of Kyon. However, the certain green-haired girl right next to the perv started to fume as she looked at him with narrowed eyes, the same way a lion would stare at a gazelle before it clawed at its innards.

"Wait a minute... SweetStuff666? YOU were the one that authored that one lemon fic with me and you in it? God, that was **HORRIBLE**! I couldn't tells if you were a troll or just plain sucked!" Tsuruya cried out, pointing an accusing finger. Taniguchi started to cower behind his podium, fearing that the crazed millionaire would eat him. Ryoko was busy laughing at the young man's misery.

"Well, it seems that time is up. The _correct _answer was superstarultra..." Kyon declared. He let out an exasperated sigh as he continued to bury his hand into his face. He was a few facepalms shy of pushing his nose into his skull and granting the sweet peace of death. "I mean, good god, you're all in a crack-collection written by him right now!"

"Doesn't the Author's Note say that Mr. Wang wrote this?" Ryoko asked curiously.

"Okay, enough of the fourth wall-breaking! Asakura, since you seem to be only who is actually in touch with the rest of the world right now, it's your turn to make a selection."

The sadistically cute class-president looked at the board, before pointing her hand over in the direction of a category. "I'll take **The Number 4** for $400!"

"I am tempted to simply give you the points, since you uttered the number 4 when you stated the category, again when you said 'for', and _again_ when you said 400, but I'm disappointed to say, the game doesn't work like that. So if you say the number 4 again, Asakura, you will get the correct answer..." Kyon began as he drew the question card. "Okay... 'This is the number you shout out right before you swing a golf club'."

_Beep-Beep-Beep!_

"Asakura?"

"What is 'Die'?"

"No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect."

"But that's what I always shout when I swing a golf club at someone!"

_Beep-Beep-Beep!_

"Taniguchi?"

"What is 'Threeve'?"

"...A combination of... three and five... wow, I'm simply amazed..." Kyon muttered. He was about to see if Tsuruya was going to answer the question, but unfortunately, her face was being stuffed with another wheel of smoked-cheese, thus rendering her unable to fathom a reply (cue facepalm). "Well, time's up... the answer was '4', ladies and gentlemen... It was 4... All right, then, Asakura. It's still your board, so make your selection."

"I'll take... **"Blank" in a Box** for $600!"

"Okay, then..." Kyon breathed as he looked at another card. He sighed, briefly wondering what was the point of this show or his very existence, but went on with it anyway. "This is a common children's toy, where you crank a handle, and a clown attached to a spring bounces out of it. It's name starts with a 'J' and ends in 'ack'."

_Beep-Beep-Beep!_

"Taniguchi?"

"What is Dick-in-a-Box?"

"What? No! Ew! Where the hell did that even come from? That doesn't even begin with a 'J'!" Kyon yelled out in disgust.

"What? It's a Lonely Island song!"

_Beep-Beep-Beep!_

"Tsuruya?"

"Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! I know this one! Okay, how did that song go, nyoro? Erm... Jack and Jill went up a hill... Who is Jill! Jill-in-a-box!"

Kyon closed his eyes in frustration.

"I hate my job... No, I'm afraid that is incorrect. The correct answer was Jack. Jack-in-a-box... you were so close, yet so far..."

"**I DIDN'T EVEN ANSWER YET!**" Ryoko shouted out.

"Well, too damn bad," Kyon said. He personally hoped that the snide retort would provoke Ryoko to kill him, but sadly, she seemed to be in control today. "Okay, Taniguchi, since I want to take pity on you, I'll let you select the next category."

Taniguchi smiled as he looked up at the board, grinning like an idiot.

"Huh... You know what? I'll take **Famous Titties** for $800!"

Kyon looked up at the board to see if such a category was even labeled. "Erm... **Titles**, Taniguchi. The category is called, **Famous **_**Titles**_. But since you selected a category and I don't feel like arguing, here it is... 'This movie takes its name from the novel, All Quiet on the Eastern Front'."

_Beep-Beep-Beep!_

"Taniguchi?"

"Who is Mikuru Asahina?"

"Taniguchi, it's **Titles**, not **Titties**."

_Beep-Beep-Beep!_

"Asakura?"

"Who is Pamela J. Anderson?"

"Wrong again... Are you people all _deaf_?" Kyon asked incredulously, tearing out a small lock of hair from his head.

_Beep-Beep-Beep!_

"Tsuruya?"

"What is... uh..." she began. The green-haired girl seemed to be dazed in thought, before she managed to come up with an answer: By lifting up her shirt and flashing herself to the crowd.

"Lovely, perhaps this day isn't a complete waste of my time," Kyon said, noticeably perking up a bit. "It pains me to say however, that that is... incorrect. And frankly, your titties are neither famous, nor... is the category about titties, either. The correct answer to the question was, 'All Quiet on the Eastern Front.' But for the hell of it, Tsuruya, since you've made my day a little less depressing, I'll give you the points."

"Thankies, nyoro~..." she said, lowering her shirt back down. From her place behind the camera, Haruhi was NOT amused, but kept her composure.

"How can I say, 'Mikuru Asahina,' and yet she reveals her own titties, which are pretty nice in their own right by the way, but for her to be correct and for me to be wrong by saying Asahina? Tsuruya's titties aren't anywhere as good as Asahina's! Or Pamela Anderson's!" Taniguchi complained loudly.

"Well, it's not my fault that you apparently made this a tit competition, Taniguchi... And by the way, you might want to duck," Kyon stated. The perv raised a brow, before Tsuruya's shoe collided straight into his face. In all the craziness, Kyon was simply more or less surprised that Ryoko had kept her knife sheathed throughout the whole game.

"Now... you know what? Fuck it, let's just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is..."

**Popular Anime**

"Oh, _this_ should be good..." the disgruntled host muttered. "Okay, your Final Jeopardy Question... 'Based from the light novels written by Nagaru Tanigawa, this popular anime tells the tale of a very eccentric high school girl, who unknowingly can change the fabric of reality... and it's up to three extraordinary individuals, and one ordinary guy, to keep the world intact'... You have thirty seconds to answer and your time starts... Now!"

The music in the studio started playing, and the lights dramatically dimmed, as the three contestants thought long and hard about what their answers should be. Taniguchi chewed his nails feverishly as his eyes shifted back and forth. Tsuruya heavily resembled the memetic Philosoraptor, beads of sweat emerging from her prominent forehead. Ryoko had her brows furrowed, arms crossed as she bit her lip.

The seconds trickled down.

Kyon, Haruhi, and the audience held their breath.

_Beep-Beep-Beep!_

Kyon quickly focused his line of sight on the one who had answered. "...Asakura? Oh, well, at least _someone_ answered. Why the big smile though?"

"Because," Ryoko chuckled with a cat-like smile, "I just happen to KNOW the answer to this very question. Nice of you to throw us a bone and fit in a dummy question that anyone could have gotten. Unlike SOME people~..."

From their podiums, Taniguchi and Tsuruya hung their heads in embarrassment.

"Now before I give my answer, just what are the prizes to be won for the night? I recall you not mentioning what was up for grabs," Ryoko pointed out smugly.

Kyon frowned at the arrogance of his arch-nemesis. "Just what makes you think you're going to win anything? You're way in debt as it is. Tsuruya might as well win this with her lead. Give me one good reason you should win."

Ryoko grinned. "Because if I get a prize, I'll go home, and then this show will be over for the day."

"...GOOD POINT. Let's see what fabulous prizes are available for our contestants!"

A red velvet curtain in the background began to slide away to the right, revealing the previously hidden prizes. The first item displayed was a brand-new red convertible. The second was a large pile of money that totaled off to a million dollars. The third and final item was a ticket on a white pedestal, proudly displaying that the ticket was for an all expenses paid trip to Honolulu on a deluxe cruiser.

"Oh, those are all such wonderful prizes!" gushed Ryoko, overcome with glee. "Can I have all of them? I want to flaunt my winnings over those islanders! And drive a car on a ship!"

"No, you can only have one. But I'll give you all three if you promise never to come back," Kyon grumpily retorted.

"Awww..."

"Hey, what else is behind the curtain? I think I see something else!" Tsuruya exclaimed, pointing at a still section of the curtain. Kyon gave a gesture to have the curtain move a little more. It parted, revealing something else sitting on the platform of prizes...

...that something turned out to be Kuyou Suou, sitting on the ground, a fork and knife in her mitts, and a China plate in front of her. A strand of drool dribbled from her sleepy face.

"Ummmm, what's that goth chick doing here?" Taniguchi asked, wondering why Kuyou was part of the prizes.

"Yeah, what is that inferior waste of data doing in my glorious presence?" the big-browed alien questioned, displeased that one of her rivals was dirtying her prizes with her mere existence.

"Haruhi thought it would be good to include Suou to make the show more serious and competitive. Add a hint of tension to the show," Kyon explained with a nonchalant wave of his hands. "See, only one person usually wins on these types of shows. Haruhi wanted the other two contestants to want to win just as much."

"But why is Suou involved?" Ryoko warily asked.

"Oh, that. Suou gets permission to eat the losers after the show."

The moment he spoke those words, Taniguchi and Tsuruya paled, exchanging looks of complete terror. Kuyou, meanwhile, adjusted the bib around her neck and started sharpening her utensils.

"Phew! Glad I'm safe!" Ryoko said to herself in relief. "I'd taste bad anyways. Back to my answer. I know it for sure! Just run that question by me once more..."

"Of course," Kyon giddily said, his heart glimmering with hope that this show would be over. "'Based from the light novels written by Nagaru Tanigawa, this popular anime tells the tale of a very eccentric high school girl, who unknowingly can change the fabric of reality... and it's up to three extraordinary individuals, and one ordinary guy, to keep the world intact'... You're on, Asakura."

Ryoko puffed her chest out, brushed her bangs out of her face, and gave the audience a charming smile for good measure. "A-hem! What..."

Kyon braced himself for the answer.

"...is..."

Taniguchi and Tsuruya shook with anticipation and fear.

"_...LUCKY STAR~! _...I'm right, aren't I?"

Needless to say, Kyon didn't take that very well.

"**YOU DUMB BITCH! YOU COMPLETE MORON! YOU CONFOUNDED BUFFOON! YOU BOMBASTIC SIMPLETON! YOU... BLUE-HEADED BIMBO!**" the sarcastic host raged, tearing up his cards. He flung the scraps at his feet and stomped on them.

"Awwwwwww... I lost," Ryoko said, sniffling.

"Ha ha ha ha! I knew she'd get it wrong!" Tsuruya laughed uproariously, slapping her knees. "The correct answer was Naruto!"

"What? Pffft! No way! It was OBVIOUSLY Pokémon! I know the books like the back of my hand!" Taniguchi bragged.

Kyon stopped his tantrum and glared at the trio with passionate fury. "You three are about as smart as a pile of wet towels. The answer was... _OUR_ SERIES! THE MELANCHOLY OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA! How can ANYONE get that wrong? You know what? Screw it. I've had it. Hey, Suou! They're all yours. Asakura, too, since she impressively flaked out. Enjoy."

Kuyou looked up from her empty plate, looking much like a six-year old that was offered an entire chocolate cake. "FOOD!" The mop of black hair picked up her fork and knife and began to run towards the trio of dummies, salivating.

"Oh, SHIT! I always wanted a chick to eat me, but not like this! Not like _this_!" a frightened Taniguchi screamed scrambling away.

Tsuruya was quick to follow the player's lead and take off after him. "Leave me alone, Cousin It! I probably taste like cheese! I'll give you gas! Nyoro!"

"Kyon, if I happen to survive this, your ass is mine! Eeeek! SHE ALMOST TOUCHED ME!" a horrified Ryoko screeched loudly, vaulting over her podium and joining the others in their escape from the ravenous Kuyou. Kyon walked up to the front of the studio while chaos reigned behind him.

"Well, that's it for the show. We hope all you viewers at home have enjoyed this episode of Jeopardy. We hope to see you all again," Kyon said to the audience with a dour expression...

...before he was promptly run over by the trio of Tsuruya, Ryoko, and Taniguchi.

"FOOD!"

"Damn! That really hurt, you- NYAAAH! HEY, GUYS, WAIT FOR ME! HARUHI, STOP FILMING THIS WITH THAT STUPID CAMERA AND- AHHH! SHE'S TRYING TO BITE MY LEG!"

* * *

**A/N: Congratulations are in order for Mr. Wang 330, who was nice enough to lend his services to writing this Cracks chapter. I hoped you all had as much fun reading it as I did. **


	45. A Big Chest or Bust

Yuki watched Mikuru go about her business in the SOS Brigade clubroom. A small question tugged on the alien's mind as she watched the maid dust the table. An important question at that...

"Miss Asahina..." Yuki said softly, approaching Mikuru with her book under her arm. "There is a manner that I need to ask you about. It regards myself on a personal level."

"Really?" asked Mikuru, tilting her head to the side. "What is it?"

Yuki's eyes drifted downward as she pondered the best way to handle her question- finally, she just decided to convey her query in the most straightforward way possible.

"...How did you GET such huge knockers like those anyway?"

Mikuru flushed red. "Miss Nagato!"

"You need to tell me how. You _must_. I am quite curious as to how your body-structure came to be. Until my own faction decides to authorize the proper modifications, I am confined to... this form," Yuki muttered in an almost sad tone, staring down at her own meager chest.

Mikuru blinked for a few minutes, then held a finger to her chin as she stared at the ceiling. "Well, when I was a little girl..."

_****Flashback****_

_A flat-chested and much younger Mikuru was in a large gym-like room, dressed in a pink leotard. a group of men and women in labcoats and shiny glasses watched as she did a little dance to some upbeat music that poured out of some overhead speakers. Said dance consisted of little Mikuru hopping from one foot to the other and pumping her arms up in the air while shaking like a maraca._

_Throughout her dance, young Mikuru kept on repeating a specific set of lyrics to the music... _

_"I MUST! I MUST! I MUST INCREASE MY BUST! I MUST! I MUST! I MUST INCREASE MY BUST!"_

_****End Flashback****_

Yuki stared at the moeblob, dumbfounded bemusement on her face"...That's retarded."

Almost smirking, Mikuru leaned towards Yuki's face, shaking her chest. "IIIIIIIIIIS IT~?" she chirped. Standing back up, Mikuru finished with her changing and departed. Yuki stared around at the now empty room. She slowly went up to the door and locked it.

"..."

Then moving the table to one side of the room, Yuki stepped into the center and took a deep breath.

"...I MUST! I MUST! I MUST INCREASE MY BUST! I MUST! I MUST! I MUST INCREASE MY BUST!"

From outside the door, Mikuru began to snicker wildly.

**The Next Day...**

Mikuru walked to the clubroom, chuckling all the while. As if she would really help the already-popular Yuki become more attractive. She was already struggling to hold up her own fanbase, and having a busty bookworm bouncing around was a definite no-no. That, and Mikuru always did have a bit of a mean-streak.

_Man, I still can't believe she bought that whole stupid dance thing! But hearing her sing and hope around... Hee hee hee ha! What a dork! _Mikuru thought to herself with wicked glee. It took all of herself not to accidentally wet herself with laughter as she walked up the stairs to the clubroom. She had already spent a lot of time at her own home laughing her shapely butt off at her trick.

_And it's not like I have to be too worried. Nagato can take a joke, and if she DOES get mad, Kyon will always protect me~..._ Mikuru thought dreamily. She opened the door to the room and saw Yuki in her chair.

"Why, good day, Miss Naga- WHOA!"

Yuki looked at Mikuru nonchalantly from usual spot. The two beanbag-sized lumps in front of the alien jiggled slightly as she stood up. Yuki slowly tottered towards the gawking Mikuru, taking care not to tip over.

"Thank you very much for your story, Miss Asahina. It has helped me to improve my figure greatly. I would hug you, but I am afraid the amount of force would suffocate you. I wonder what he will think of my change..." the bookworm voiced, poking herself in her massive left breast.

"Y-Y-Yeah... Kyon will... He'll... Yeah." Mikuru limped down the hallway, white as a ghost.

Yuki smiled smugly after the quivering maid. "Well, that will certainly teach her to mess with an alien." She patted her chest confidently, not even noticing it move around.

Sucking up a great amount of oxygen, Achakura popped her head out of the top of Yuki's sailor-fuku. "Geez, Nagato, why the hell did I have to do this again? I feel like an idiot! And this feels so weird!"

"I don't know about you," Mr. Kimidori offered, also making his appearance. "I quite like how this feels. Nagato is very warm."

"I'm gonna have to agree on you on that one," Kunikida cheerfully spoke, shooting up right next to the balloon.

Okabe slowly stuck his head out, looked around, then peered up at Yuki. "...I put too much vodka in my morning coffee again, didn't I?"

"How in the _**HELL **_did I end up in here!" TSCP bellowed, also bringing his sweaty head out.

"Oh, hush up, all of you," Yuki gently scolded, shoving them all back down into her shirt.

* * *

**A/N: That's an actual song. No joke. "****I Must Increase My Bust" by Lords of Acid. Thanks for the inspiration, ObsidianWarrior! **

**By the way, I recently updated You Got HaruhiRolled! to Chapter 84. Just reminding those who have not read it or reviewed it yet. If you have, thanks. If you have not, I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did making it.  
**


	46. Pie a la Yandere

All was going well in a small apartment building in downtown Nishinomiya. Said apartment on the top floor was home to the new and improved Ryoko Asakura, who had said she had changed her ways. At the moment, Ryoko's front door was open, the sounds of cheerful humming coming though. Why don't we check it out, guys?

"La la la la la~! What a perfect day for a house-warming party~!" chirped Ryoko, stirring a stew in her kitchen while wearing a frilly pink apron. "Soon there will be nothing but happy, happy faces here in a few hours. I can't wait to get to know everyone a bit better! Especially Kyon..."

Now the reason Ryoko was having herself a house-warming party at her new place (even though a whole month had already passed in the time she had lived there) was so she could get better acquainted with her former enemies after Emiri had requested for her rebooting. She wanted to make up with Kyon and Yuki most of all, but also took the time to invite Haruhi, Mikuru, and Itsuki along for the festivities. And rather than drop any hints for her _frienemies_ to throw a party for her, she was taking the time to set it up herself because she didn't want to be a bother. Ryoko was weird like that.

"Let's see... Got the chips, the punch, the cookies, the board games, Kimidori's game systems she lent me for the video game tournament, and... Wow! It's practically ready!" Ryoko sang, looking over the list in her hand. "Now all I need to do is to make the pie! That shouldn't take long with my talents~..."

So Ryoko girlishly skipped over to her stove and took out a pie-tin from the counter. But when she opened up her fridge for the necessary materials, she gasped dramatically.

"Oh, no! I'm all out of meat! Now how will I prepare my Shepherd's pie for the party later? I need a filling and a crust for it!"

Yes, Ryoko had been planning to be unique and serve a Shepherd's pie at the party for her guests. In case you don't know, it's a dish that is pretty much a pie, but has a crust that's usually made out of mashed-potatoes and is filled with various meats. Unless you're accustomed to the flavor and feeling, it's a little weird, but okay. This choice in cuisine may be due to Ryoko being somewhat of a carnivore at heart (another similarity she had with Kuyou).

"Well, I have the supplies for a regular crust..." Ryoko observed, leaning on the counter as she mulled over her options. "But what am I going to fill it with? I don't really have anything on hand that I can serve in a pie... Kimidori is taking care of an errand downtown. I could call her and have her run to the market, but I don't want to trouble her... Hmmmm. I could go myself-"

"Heya, Ryoko!" came a voice from the front door. Kyon's little sister tottered in, wearing a big smile on her face, and something in her hands. Her clothes looked a bit messy, too.

"Oh. Hello, Imouto," Ryoko mumbled, still deep in thought. As part of getting to know her better, Emiri had suggested that Kyon invite his sister along to Ryoko's party. But since Yuki had a book to return to the library and Imouto didn't want to trudge all the way to a 'stuffy old building' in the middle of the day, Ryoko offered to watch her. Kyon was understandably uneasy, but went along since the yandere had no hatred of his sister (and the latter kept on whining about wanting to stay). Imouto was supposed to be in the apartment, but had snuck out to the front of the apartment to play with Miyoko for a bit.

"Thanks for wanting to look after me since Kyon and Yuki were busy!" Imouto said, walking into the kitchen. "I had a lot of fun in the park while you made the food for the party. I even picked all these apples with Miyoko~! There was a big tree in the park with them! It was really pretty." She revealed a wicker basket full of red apples in her little hands.

Ryoko stared at Imouto as if noticing her for the first time. The apartment soon became eerily quiet. The gears in Ryoko's head began to turn.

"That's interesting..." the alien murmured, walking up to the tot and gently taking the basket out of her hands. She took an apple and stared at it; it was very fresh and had the coloring of a ruby. Or blood.

_Hmmmmmm... I wonder, I wonder..._

"Uhhhh, Ryoko? Ryoko? Yoo-hoo! Ryoko? Are you feeling all right? You have a funny look on your face..." Imouto pointed out, feeling unnerved by the behavior of the hostess. Ryoko set the basket on the table and donned a sly smile on her face.

"Say, Imouto..." she sweetly said, tightly locking the front door and subsequently walking further into the kitchen. "Wanna _really_ help me finish this pie off? I could use your hand on the final... ingredients. I think I have come to a perfect solution." The blunette beckoned her close, one hand placed against the latch of the oven door.

"Really? I get to help out? Sure! I'd love to!" Imouto shouted, heading towards the grinning Ryoko and the stove.

**Later That Day...**

"Asakura," Kyon said, sticking a forkful of steamy pie into his mouth, "scary as you are, this is one hell of a delicious pie."

"Awww, you're very sweet, Kyon... It's homemade!" cooed Ryoko as Kyon, Yuki, Haruhi, Mikuru, and Itsuki sat around the table. each eating a slice of pie with a glass of milk.

"Really? Homemade? Now I have to agree with Kyon! This is a very good pie!" Mikuru spoke, taking another bite. From nearby, Haruhi could be seen practically stuffing her entire face with food. She was using her hands because as we all know, I like portraying Haruhi as a gluttonous bitch.

"OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM~..." she said.

Yuki jabbed a large crumb on her plate, eyeing it strangely. "I do not believe I have had the pleasur of experiencing this flavor before. What is it, Asakura?"

"Oh, a little bit of this and that, Nagato. I had to switch the ingredients around after I ran out," Ryoko answered, wringing her hands together through her oven-mitts. The door suddenly opened, and in walked in Emiri.

"I see that everyone is here," Emiri said placidly.

"You're back Kimidori! Here. Have some pie..." Ryoko said, graciously cutting up a piece and handing it to her superior on a plate. Emiri eyed the plate oddly for a moment, then causally stuck her fork into it. She seemed to hesitate before taking a bite.

"How is it?" Ryoko eagerly asked.

"Do you like it, Kimidori? Asakura worked really hard on it for all of us," Itsuki stated, sipping his milk.

Emiri swallowed her piece and smiled. "I like it! It's sweet and... almost like cinnamon to me! I'll join you all! ...Hey, where is Kyon's sister at?" Emiri finally said, peering around at the table after she took her seat.

"Yeah, where is my sister at? I left her with you," Kyon piped up.

Ryoko looked around the room, scratching the back of her head quizzically. "Oh! Her. I believe she's around here somewhere..."

Haruhi kept right on gorging with her dessert. "Well, if she doesn't get here soon, I get to eat her share!"

Itsuki looked up from his plate nonchalantly and gestured with his fork. "Oh. There she is, Miss Suzumiya. Right over there."

From a nearby hallway, Imouto emerged, wiping the side of her face with a washcloth. "Sorry if I took too long, everyone. Was washing my face. Had grass-stains and flour on me from earlier. And gee, Ryoko, it was sure smart of you to use the apples I picked to finish that pie!" She pointed at the empty basket on the counter.

Ryoko leaned down to Imouto's level and gave her face a playful pinch. "I know, right? But it was all thanks to you, my little helper~!"

Then the group of friends all shared a hearty laugh, gobbled up the rest of the pie, played awesome party games, and basically had a wonderful time together for the rest of the day.

...What?

What did you _think_ was going to happen? Hmmm?

* * *

**A/N: Happy April Fool's Day! :D **

**And happy birthday to you, Brendan Rizzo. Now you can start chasing kids off your porch and being an ornery old man like the rest of us! **

**Ya know what would have been another good flavor? PIE FLAVOR. **


	47. Family Matters

TCCP was not one to get easily mad. Oh, sure, he lost his cool with the SOS Brigade a whole bunch of times, but he was usually cool with everyone else he encountered in life.

"HEY! THAT'S MINE! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, YOU... ASSHOLE!"

But not today.

The boy with the unknown name had been doing some shopping at the corner store with some leftover cash he'd found under his bed. Having enough to buy a gaming magazine, he'd strolled down there to see if anything had tickled his fancy. During his venture, TCCP had spotted the very last Kit Kat bar sitting all by its lonesome. Having a fondness for chocolate, he grabbed it and continued onto the magazine section of the store near the front. Once he'd gotten there, he'd noticed his left shoelace was loose, so he set his candy down on the shelf beside him while he kneeled down to fix his shoe. When TCCP was finished, he reached for his Kit Kat bar and found it to be mysteriously missing. Confused, he began to frantically look around to see if he had misplaced it somewhere else...

...only to see it in the hold of some blond guy who had just finished paying for his own stuff and was now exiting out the front door.

Deciding to forget getting a magazine altogether, TCCP hauled ass out of the store (past several confused customers) and ran straight after the thief who had swiped his treat. Taking a man's computer is one thing, but you steal his candy-bar and you're opening up an entirely different can of worms.

"Y-You there! T-That's... THAT'S _MY_ KIT KAT BAR YOU JUST GRABBED! ...JERK!" TCCP hollered, stopping himself in mid-run to take the time to catch his breath.

The other male turned around, Kit Kat in hand, with a sneer on his lips. "I'll have you know that I just happened to see this chocolate lying on a shelf somewhere nearby. And even if it is yours, I don't see your name written on- ...Huh?"

TCCP stopped panting and saw that the guy was now guy awkwardly staring at him. "What? What are you looking at? Got nothing to say to me... thief?"

"..." said the guy.

"Errr..." the asthmatic nerd muttered.

"_...Papa?_"

"...What? Did you just call me-"

"PAPAAAAA!" the taller boy screamed out loud, dropping the Kit Kat and his own bag of groceries onto the sidewalk as he ran up to TCCP and embraced him in a hug.

Bricks were then shat.

"I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN, PAPA! I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T CRRRRRRRRRRY!" Fujiwara wailed dramatically, heaving with each deep breath he took.

TCCP continued to stand in place, frozen in fear as his shoulder was drenched with tears. "...Huh?"

Somewhere out there, the world's tiniest violin played.

* * *

**A/N: ...Holy shit. **

**Those two **_**do **_**sorta look alike! IT'S A CONSPIRACY, I TELL YOU! **

**Written for Cha Cha Cheesecake. :3 **


	48. Doctor Doctor Emiri 1

**Client 1: Taniguchi**

"Okay, so Miss Kimidori, do I just... lie down on this chair right here...?" The newly-appointed therapist nodded as Taniguchi rested himself on the leather chair, eyeing Emiri as he did so. "You know, in that little suit and glasses outfit you've going down there, it really brings out your brea- I mean eyes..."

Emiri looked up from her clipboard and raised a brow. From behind her new pair of red framed glasses, she could obviously see that Taniguchi was _not_ looking at her eyes. Fighting back a groan, she wondered just why she had taken up the job of being North High's newest therapist. Then again, she realized she didn't have much of a choice in the manner to begin with. The old one had quit after too many of Haruhi's antics, so the position had been left open. And after the schoolboard found out she was working at the cafe behind the Student Council's back, it was either take this well-paying job or say arrivederci to having a way to make it look like she was actually paying for her apartment.

For some reason, the schoolboard was not okay with letting a young girl have a part-time job outside of school behind everyone's back, but _perfectly _hunky-dory when said girl was working a job for them that required an adult for it.

_At least they're paying me well..._Emiri thought bitterly, before going back to the topic at hand. "Taniguchi, were you about to say, that this outfit makes me look... busty?"

Taniguchi fidgeted in his seat, unable to take his eyes off the cleavage that hovered away from him. "Well... yeah, pretty much. But your eyes look nice behind a pair of glasses, too..."

"Oh... well, thank you," Emiri responded, somewhat awkwardly. It didn't make manners any better that he was _still_ staring at her chest, despite the fact he made the comment about her eyes. "I do suppose that ever since Nagato took off her glasses, someone should take the role of token meganekko, right?"

_I wanna sleep with her..._Taniguchi thought in his mind.

"Okay, then. Well, first, I'm just going to ask you a series of questions. You can answer them in any way you feel comfortable with, but please, tell the truth, and speak your mind freely. Can you do that?" Emiri asked with a smile.

"Sure thing, Miss Hot Therapist." Taniguchi grinned at her.

The smile fell away. "Maybe not _that _freely. Okay, let's begin... first of all, tell me why you're here," Emiri inquired, now buttoning up her blouse.

Taniguchi sighed as he contemplated his thoughts and memories.

"Well... back in class, the teacher, all the girls, pretty much most of the guys, and my mom all unanimously agreed that I be sent here because I'm a pervert... and, some of those people think I'm a moron, too... at first, I just told them all off that they were just a bunch of dicks, but the more I thought about it, the more I think that I actually _might_need help... I mean... am I a pervert?" the player asked, a hint of worry deep in his eyes.

Emiri sighed as she tried her best to tap into her wisdom.

"Well..."she began, fingers folded as she leaned back into her chair, "we use the term "perversion" for sexual desires and related patterns of acting, where those patterns heavily diverge from what most people see as normal. This means mostly, that the person doesn't aim at having relationships, but only looks for stimuli, which target the satisfaction of sexual impulses. Tell me, is there something that you find... arousing?"

"Oh, a bunch of things..." Taniguchi pondered. "Boobs, hentai, abnormally colored hair, bondage, your outfit-"

"I'm just gonna stop you right there..." Emiri interrupted, not needing any more details. He still ranted on about the things that aroused him, prompting her to whack his head with her clipboard in order for him to snap out of it. "Erm... okay, it seems like you're indeed suffering from perversion, and you make no effort to hide it... Okay, then... let's move on. Have you had a history of relationships, Taniguchi? If so, tell me about them..."

"Well... there was the one time I dated Suzumiya back in middle school... but that lasted, like, five minutes. Of course, we all know that she's batshit insane, so there's not really anything to get worried about... but... well, there is my ex that I dated around last Christmas..." Taniguchi drawled, lightly tapping his fingers on the surface of the small table beside him.

"You had an ex? Tell me about her..." Emiri encouraged, ready to jot down some notes with her ball-point pen.

"Yeah... her name was Naomi... She was beautiful... I'm ticked that we broke up, because I thought things were going so nicely with us..." The silver-haired boy's voice was wistful now.

"Naomi? I see... She probably was very influential in your life. Tell me, what first comes to mind when you think about her?" Emiri leaned in a bit closer. Finally, she was making some progress with him!

Taniguchi stared up at the ceiling in concentration. "Huh... her name spelled backwards is "I moan". God, that turns me on..."

_Lovely. Makes me wonder why she broke up with you..._the therapist thought sarcastically. "Okay, maybe this isn't going anywhere... Let's do that one test, with those blobby ink pictures..."

She pulled out another clipboard full of several images of abstract ink blobs on paper.

"Now then, what do you see in this picture?" Emiri asked. "And remember, there are no wrong answers. Just say what you see in here..."

"Hmm..." Taniguchi said, placing a hand on his chin. "Two turds hugging each other... NO, WAIT! Having sex."

The pastel-haired interface looked at the gray-haired pervert horridly, but decided to just continue on with the tests. It wasn't worth the exertion to simply reiterate his perverted stupidity. She showed him the next image.

"Oh, that's easy. That's either a dick in a blender or a turtle driving a pick-up truck."

"How the fuck... Never mind. Let's just get this over with," Emiri droned as she showed the last image. Taniguchi looked at the image with a rather sly and coy look on his face.

"That looks like you and me having dinner tonight... and then you inviting me back to your place... and YOU buying ME dinner! And letting me eat it... off your ass!"

With that, Emiri Kimidori smashed the clipboard over the hopeless pervert's head, dazing him slightly. She had lost all patience with him, and he was now considered either not worth saving, or too stupid to save. With an agitated look on her face, Emiri snapped her fingers, and a familiar blunette yandere materialized out of thin air.

"Asakura," the higher interface bellowed. She pointed over towards Taniguchi. "Kill."

Like an obedient dog being awarded a treat for her service, Ryoko brandished her knife and lunged at the hapless high school boy.

"Hey! You told me there were no wrong answers!" he shouted. As Taniguchi's frantic screams and Ryoko's high-pitched giggles echoed about the room, Emiri took the time to glance into a nearby mirror at herself. She admired the way her glasses complimented her face and the way the suit pronounced her breasts.

"Hmmmmmmmmm... I think I'll wear this around more often~!"

"Asakura, quit swinging that knife around! You might hurt someone- NAMELY ME!"

"EEH HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIIE!"

* * *

**A/N: From the crack-corrupted of my friend and fellow author, Mr. Wang 330, I present to you yet another one of his contributions to Cracks. To clarify what will be going on, here are his true words:**

**Basically, starring Emiri Kimidori, whom I consider to be the only sane character in the cast, decides to take up the mantle of North High Therapist! As you can tell, this job is going to be very, very, stressful... several characters can be included if needed, but here's the first one... **

**I was presented with the idea of either having several characters per chapter or just featuring one session in each bit. Given my unhealthy fetish for arcs, I have decided to make this idea a five-part scenario of Emiri handling various people, a new patient per chapter. What wacky hijinx will that celery-headed alien get into next time? Find out... after I get enough reviews and write the next chapter! **


	49. Doctor Doctor Emiri 2

**Client 2: Imouto**

"Now how can I help you, miss...?" Emiri was at a loss for words as she stared at her newest client.

"Imouto. Call me Imouto. Everyone else seems to do so," the little girl stated plainly, seating herself upon the couch. "Better than just Kyon's sister."

"All right, Imouto. And you may call me just Emiri in return," the young therapist replied, still eyeing her patient for the hour. "But would you mind if I asked you something before we began?"

"Uhhh, not really. What is it?" Imouto asked, now lying on her back.

Emiri rubbed her nose awkwardly. "Aren't you a tad... young to be wanting to see someone like me? Well, that, and you're not even a student at this school. Last time I checked, Haruhi Suzumiya usually involves you in one of her club activities when it's a big enough game for you all to participate in."

"I am a little young for this kinda stuff," Imouto answered truthfully. "I'm just here because Kyon is helping Haruhi out with something for the club. But I really think I need this kind of treatment in the future. So I thought to myself that I may as well get started now."

"Really? So you think you might be having a few problems at your age already? Well, let's get started then. What kind of issues are you dealing with?" Emiri asked with concern.

"For starters, there's- Hey, what's the deal with that hole over there? It looks familiar..." Imouto pointed out, gesturing to the Taniguchi-shaped hole near the door.

"Errr, that was made to let in more cool air. It gets awfully stuffy in here..." Emiri lied, not wanting to bring up on how Taniguchi had run out of the room earlier, Ryoko hot on his tail before she gave up the ghost. Luckily, the little girl seemed to easily buy her wild excuse.

"Oh. Cool. Anyways, I have a lot of problems in my life that I'm worried about, Emiri! For one, it's all about my name..."

"What about your name, Imouto?"

"That's just it! I don't know what my _real_ name is! Everyone either calls me that, or Kyon's sister, or little sister, or the token loli! That's what I've come to be known as! Kyon's sister! My title is my own identity!"

"You don't _know_ your real name? That's an... interesting problem. Why can't you ask your parents about it? And just ask people to call you by it afterward?"

Imouto suddenly sat up from the couch, an exasperated look on her face. "That's just it! My parents ACTUALLY named me Imouto! I was so cute as a baby, and they were such huge anime fans, that they decided to get rid of my real birth name and name me Imouto instead! Just so I could be known as Kyon's little sister... _**FOREVER! **_And because I was so young, I can't even remember what it was!"

Emiri looked up from the notes she was writing down and dropped her jaw. This was serious!

"My word... That's awful! No child should have their name stripped away from them just because their parents had such a flighty change of heart! Please, do go on."

"O-Okay... I tried to ask my aunts, uncles, and cousins about my name, but my parents swore them to secrecy! I asked Kyon, too, but he couldn't find any records of my name either! IT'S ALL ONE BIG CONSPIRACY AGAINST ME, I TELL YOU!"

At this point, Imouto started hyperventilating, an event that was taken care of after Emiri got her a paper bag and a glass of water.

"Keep going," Emiri encouraged, fighting back a tear.

"Okay... Okay..." Imouto took a deep breath and continued. "This whole thing about my name really bothers me. being associated with nothing more than a moe archetype really brings ya down, ya know? But my friend, Miyokichi, helps me get through the pain. So I'm good for now. But another big problem I have is with..." Imouto narrowed her eyes in creepy slits. "_...Haruhi._"

The green-haired alien blinked in surprise. "You have a problem with Haruhi Suzumiya? She's involved in something somehow?"

"The very same! And, yes, Emiri!"

"I thought you were very good friends with her and the SOS Brigade!"

Imouto scoffed. "At first I was. But now I don't like any of them! They're trying to steal Kyon away from me and Shamisen! He's our cat."

"I see..." Emiri said, scribbling down on her clipboard. "So you think the SOS Brigade is cutting into your sibling time with Kyon?"

"Uh-huh! Taniguchi, Kunikida, and Tsuruya are fun to hang out with though. But I don't like anyone else! Haruhi is always yelling at Kyon and hogging him to herself! Always doing these perverted things with him. I thought it was funny at first, but now I'm not so sure... And Yuki is even worse! She asks Kyon to come over to her apartment _all the time_! I think she might be a vampire, too. Oh, and Mikuru is stealing my act of being the cute one with her big boobs! She's always making Kyon act all goofy! ...And I just hate Koizumi. He's creepy."

"Mmmhmmmm..." Emiri said, sticking her tongue out a bit as she wrote more notes down. _This kid is a lot more perceptive than I thought... _

"I'm just a little kid who wants time with her brother before he grows up and has to leave. I'm worried he'll forget all about me one day. Is that too much to ask?" Imouto whispered, her temper dying down.

_Awwwwwwwwwww~... _Emiri fought her urge to hug her. "I don't think it is. It's natural that a younger sibling would want to spend more time with their older sibling when they are feeling left out of something."

"Really?" asked the tot.

"Of course. Now, Imouto, you have a lot of pent-up feelings and secrets bottled up inside you. Tell me, do you do anything at home to ease these feelings away? Some sort of activity to make the anxiousness go away?" Emiri asked, pushing up her glasses.

Imouto kicked her legs back and forth on the edge of the couch and smiled. "Oh! I got one! I LOVE to help people out. It just makes me feel needed, ya know? Being able to solve a problem helps take my mind off my own."

"Really? That's very astute of you! Tell me, what kind of help do you give people?" Emiri asked with a smile.

"Well, just little things. Like I give my friends at school advice. Little Sister's Advice is what I like to call it!"

The alien giggled. "That's so cute! You could very well be a full-fledged therapist in the future if you keep that up."

"Yeah! I can solve almost any problem! Even yours!" Imouto declared cutely.

Emiri stopped her laughing and raised an eyebrow. "Hmmmm? You think you could help me?"

The kid sister nodded. "Yup! I can help you fix all your problems when you need my help Emiri! I don't charge anything either!"

"Well, that's amiable of you," Emiri replied, taking off her glasses to clean them. "But I don't have any current problems that need solving right now. Thank you for-"

"C'mon, Emiri..." Imouto said, lying on her belly with a coy look on her face. "You can tell me anything... What about you loneliness issues?"

Emiri's breath caught in her throat. "_...What?_"

Sitting up, Imouto continued. "You know... how you're always so lonely most of the time. I hear from people that you don't have a lot of friends, you live by yourself, you never talk to anyone, you made up having a boyfriend, and how always you eat by yourself at lunch."

"...Who told you all these things?" Emiri demanded, suddenly feeling sick.

"People. Just people from around here." Imouto gestured around with her hands. "Remember the time Haruhi made us all do that sports contest in the park during school-break? We got split up into teams and you were an extra head, so Haruhi made you sit on a bench while we all played together. And throughout the whole day, you sat there staring at us and eating your plastic bag full of animal-crackers, while sipping from your juice-box. And when we all went home for the day, I saw that you were the last to leave the park. ...How did that feel, Emiri?"

The once stable humanoid interface was now trembling like a wet kitten. She brought up her glasses to her eyes and blinked back some of the moisture that was starting to settle in. She swallowed a bit of saliva to fix her now dry throat.

"..."

"Oh, it's okay, Emiri..." Imouto said in a soothing voiced as she got off her seat and made her way over to Emiri, where she then sat in her lap and hugged her chest. "As long as you have me, you'll always have a true blue friend by your side~... Can I call you Emmy-chan? Does Emmy-chan sound like a nice nickname to you?"

She looked up at the girl she was currently embracing and was understandably surprised to see a mask of hate glaring down at her instead of a smile of warmth.

"Get off of me."

"Is everything okay, Emmy-"

"It's Emiri Kimidori. _Now get off._"

Scared shitless, Imouto bounded out of Emiri's lap and back onto the sofa. She watched as the sullen Emiri make a gesture with her hand, and almost like magic, Ryoko appeared in front of her.

"Asakura... please remove this patient from my sight. Our session is done for the day," the therapist grunted, glaring daggers.

"As you wish, Kimidori. ...Aren't you Kyon's little sister? My, oh, my, this will be fun..." Ryoko grinned, unsheathing her knife from her skirt.

Imouto cocked her head at the dangerous-looking woman in front of her. "Hey... Aren't you that girl Kyon told me about? That blue-haired one with the haystack-eyebrows?"

Ryoko's calculating grin dissolved into a furious scowl. "HAYSTACK-EYEBROWS! YOU ARE_** SO**_ OBSOLETE!" She lunged with her blade aiming for Imouto's neck, but since her target was a lot small than Taniguchi, the child easily slide under her outstretched arm.

"Whoa! You're sensitive! Maybe I can help you out more than I did for Emiri! By the way, Emiri, you're a bit of a grump, ya know?"

"Get back here and hold still, you maggot!"

Emiri lay back in her own chair, massaging her temples as the two girls ran around her chair in circles. "I do so _detest_ children now..." she said sourly as she wiped away a single tear.

* * *

**A/N: Half of the idea to use Imouto came from a comic Greg Zerich showed me (and the fact that he ain't a big fan of little brats who have phone obsessions) that had Imouto offering psychological help to some of the characters.**

**The other half was inspired by an in-joke between me and Brendan Rizzo, dealing with the image of Imouto frantically calling up a therapist whenever the others do something horrifying. Spawned from a few lines she said in the anniversary in Chapter 81 of You Got HaruhiRolled!.**

**And now I leave you with the image of Emiri cackling over swindling a twelve-year old. **


	50. Doctor Doctor Emiri 3

**Client 3: Mikuru Asahina**

Emiri sat in her chair, her legs dangling over the left arm of it lazily. She had just finished her lunch-break for the day and was waiting for her next appointment to begin. Whoever had scheduled with her for the hour intrigued her because of two things:

1. The person who had called for the meeting wished to remain anonymous and had even called from an unlisted number while disguising their voice.

2. The mystery client had practically begged for an audience with her.

_With this much secrecy, it must be someone with severe psychological-issues. I wonder if my skills will be up to the test for the day? _Emiri thought to herself in her office. Casting a glance back at the wall where the Taniguchi-shaped hole had previously been (a quick spell had taken care of it), she resumed trying to pass the time. She had been waiting in her chair for an hour, staving off her boredom by tossing something between her hands.

It was a small lock of brown hair tied up in a ponytail with a yellow ribbon. A rather sadistic grin subconsciously made its way onto Emiri's face.

_Too bad Asakura didn't get Imouto. Only managed to lop off a bit of the top of her... Oh, well. At least I'll have this as a memento of that wannabe shrink. And she suggested I was the one who needed help! Loser. Kekekekekekeke~..._

Without even being aware of it, Emiri's mental laughter soon devolved into full-blown Disney villain laughter in the middle of her office. The disturbing act was mercifully cut short when there was a knock at the door. She then sat herself back in her chair in the proper way.

"Come in~!" Emiri said, quickly switching to her kindly doctor personality and stuffing the lock of hair into her pocket. The door swung open as the patient for the hour quickly darted inside and shut it just as fast. It was a figure about Emiri's height and clad in a trench coat and a wide-brimmed hat. The face of the stranger was obscured by a scarf and what seemed like a pair of dark glasses.

"I'm here for my... appointment," the figure stated quietly.

Emiri squinted at the Invisible Man lookalike. "...Mikuru Asahina, is that you?"

"Awwwww, what gave me away?" Mikuru whined, pulling off the items covering up her face.

"Well, for starters, I sensed the temporal-data emanating from around you. Clearly not from this plane. And my keen eye-sight allowed me to pinpoint the exact areas of your body that seemed to stand out to me. I then ran them through my head and was rewarded with a processed list of individuals I had previously met that matched your body-type. Narrowing them down to you was an easy feat."

"Ohhh... That's amazing!"

"Actually, no, I'm just bullshitting you. I read the name printed right above the left side of your coat. Little joke to break the ice, ha ha ha~..."

Mikuru's eyes widened as she looked down at the spot and frowned. "...I knew buying that label-maker would be a huge mistake."

"Don't be a stranger now, Asahina. Please take a seat and make yourself comfortable. No rush at all. We'll begin once you're ready," Emiri calmly explained.

"O-Okay..." Mikuru couldn't believe she was actually talking to someone this kind and understanding since she'd met Kyon.

After seating herself down, Mikuru placed the items that had been on her head onto her lap. She stared at the green-haired girl across from here.

"...We can start right now if you'd like, Miss Asahina."

"Oh! I'm sorry. I'm just really nervous... I don't want anyone to know I'm here. Miss Suzumiya actually thinks I'm sick," Mikuru said nervously.

"No need to apologize. And call me, Emiri. Now call it a hunch or not, but is Miss Suzumiya one of the reasons you're here?" Emiri asked, already writing a few observations on her paper. "If she is, then maybe-"

Mikuru leaned over and screamed out, "SHE IS! SHE IS! SHE'S A GIANT MONSTER! A CRADLE-ROBBER! A FIERY-EYED DEMONESS! NOTHING MORE! PEOPLE THINK SHE'S FASCINATING AND COOL, BUT THEY DON'T KNOW! NONE OF THEM KNOW! A HEART OF PURE, ICKY, GOOEY DARKNESS HIDES UNDERNEATH THAT CHEST OF HERS! YOU HAVEN'T KNOW TRUE FEAR UNTIL YOU'VE BEEN LOCKED IN A ROOM WITH HER AND SEE HER ADVANCING TOWARD YOU WITH A BAG IN ONE HAND, AND NOTHING BUT WIGGLY FINGERS IN THE OTHER! AND THAT GRIN! IT'S LIKE BEING IN FRONT OF A HUNGRY SNAKE! HER LIBIDO COULD POWER THIS ENTIRE CITY FOR A YEAR! SHE MAKES EVERYONE SUFFER! BUT WE ALWAYS HAVE TO KEEP OUR MOUTHS SHUT! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK THE SMILING PRETTY-BOY AND THE EMOTIONLESS ROBOT ARE IN ON IT, TOO! LAUGHING AT ME BEHIND MY BACK! SMIRKING AT ME AS I WAIT ON THEM, HAND AND FOOT! THE _**ONLY**_ THING THAT GETS ME THROUGH THE DAY IS KNOWING THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO GET MY REVENGE ON ALL OF THEM ONE DAY... AND WHEN THAT DAY COMES, NO ONE WILL BE SAFE! AND THE ONLY ONE LAUGHING WILL BE ME! MIKURU ASAHINA!"

Emiri sat in her chair, legs pulled up to her knees as she shivered. Her clipboard lay on the floor from where she had dropped it. Mikuru visibly calmed down and sat back, breathing heavily from her tirade.

"...Well, except, Kyon. He's very nice to me~..." Mikuru cutely added as an afterthought.

"I see..." Emiri mumbled, still shaking.

"Can I... Can I have some water?" Mikuru asked meekly, right before a pitcher of water and a glass were shoved into her face. "...Thank you, Emiri."

"Errrrrrrrr... No problem, Mikuru. You're certainly more... traumatized than I thought."

"Yes... Miss Suzumiya does a lot of_ things_ to... me." Mikuru winced. "There's too many moments in that clubroom that I'd rather forget."

Now that Emiri had recovered from her recent shock, she found herself very interested. "What sort of moments?" she inquired, picking up her clipboard.

Mikuru shuddered as an old memory surfaced. "Ohhhhhh, I have too many to count. But there's a recent one that just makes me feel just... Ohhh! The horror! The embarrassment!"

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad," Emiri responded, hands cupping her chin as she leaned forward. "Tell me what transpired."

"W-Well, about a week ago..."

_****Flashback****_

_Right in the middle of a grassy field at midnight, Mikuru could clearly be seen desperately clinging to the branches of a rather tall and dead oak tree. Around the base of it were the other members of the SOS Brigade, just staring up at her. The scent of alcohol was in the air. _

_"Was getting Miss Asahina drunk really necessary for a simple game of hide and seek, Haruhi?" Kyon asked, glowering._

_"I told you, I thought it would make the game a lot more fun!" Haruhi said, trying to defend herself. It wasn't working._

_Up in the tree, Mikuru clung tighter to the branch and sobbed. "Ohhhhhh, I don't wanna come down, I want to, but I'll fall down and get hurt, and that'll be bad, and I don't know what to doooo!" she cried hysterically in a single breath. Back on the ground, the Brigade leader motioned for Kyon, Yuki, and Itsuki to ready a small trampoline on the ground. _

_Observing the broken mess of her maid once more, Haruhi shrugged and hefted up something in her arms that she had been carrying in case of emergencies. "Well, those fire-fighters already left a while ago after she bit them, so we can't count on them anymore. Soooo..."_

_Taking perfect aim with the tranquilizer-gun in her hands, Haruhi aimed at Mikuru's hindquarters and fired. _

_Mikuru's head shot up for a second in complete surprise, just before her eyes rolled back in her head and her limbs turned to jelly. Losing her grip completely, the time-traveler fell through all the weak branches beneath her and onto the trampoline lying below... where she then bounced off completely, hit the ground face-first, bounced off her breasts again, before landing with a sickening thud on her head._

_Turning to face the horrified expressions of Kyon, Yuki, and Itsuki, Haruhi dropped the gun on the ground and comically shrugged her shoulders at them. _

_WAH WAH WAAAAAAHHHH~..._

_****End Flashback****_

"I'm pretty sure I was heavily bleeding after that, but I can't quite recall if it was internal or not..." Mikuru muttered, nervously holding her sides.

Emiri stared at her with her mouth shaped like a perfect 'o'. "O-O-Oh, dear... Oh... Oh, my... My, my, my... My god, that's horrible."

"Miss Suzumiya SAID she was sorry. But I could have sworn she was smirking a little bit."

"Mikuru, you have my deepest sympathies. If you _ever_ need an extra pair of hands in disposing of and hiding a body... I can ask Asakura to help. She loves that sort of thing for some reason."

"Ummmmmmmmm, thank you, Emiri?" the time-traveler said with a mixture of gratitude and awkwardness. "I know it's my job to serve as an outlet for her... desires, but she's starting to be too much. Sometimes I don't even want to go to the clubroom at all! I pretend I'm sick or busy helping my friend, Tsuruya."

Emiri scribbled down some notes on her paper. "I see... Interesting. But not too surprising. It's not uncommon for a person to have a bully at least once in their life."

"But not every bully is a living time-anomaly," Mikuru dully stated.

"True. True," Emiri agreed, suppressing a minor chuckle as she wrote. Adjusting her glasses, she decided to give some advice to this grim situation. "Mikuru, I think I might have the solution to your problem with being abused by Miss Suzumiya."

"Does it involve drugs?" the red-headed girl asked, envisioning lots of pills going into a certain tsundere's mouth.

"...No. I don't prescribe medication. What I want you to do is to approach Miss Suzumiya and _talk_ to her. Express your feelings of depression to her. Tell her how being her toy and slave makes you feel. How would _she_ feel if someone degraded her in front of her friends? If you slowly talk to her about your feelings over asset period of a few weeks, perhaps she will begin to see you as more of a friend and less of a serving-girl. Yes, I believe this will work." Emiri then mentally pat herself on the back.

Mikuru stared at the therapist, still as a statue. "ARE YOU INSANE! Miss Suzumiya hates me! She'd never listen to anything I'd say! She'd sooner fondle me! What you're suggesting is crazy!"

"Crazy enough to just work~!" Emiri cheerfully shouted back. There was a hint of madness in her eyes if you looked carefully. Upon hearing that cliché phrase, Mikuru's outlook instantly changed. She stood up and shook the interface's hand vigorously.

"Wow, doctor! That is some great advice! I think I'll try it out soon! Thank you!" Mikuru gushed.

"All in a day's work! No problem at all," Emiri said smugly, now standing up to check the clock. "Hmmmm, we still have some time left over for our session. Anything else you'd like to discuss?"

"Not anything that I can think of... All of my problems are things I can talk about with Miss Suzumiya. After all, she was the one who caused me to develop my drinking problem in the first place," Mikuru said casually, taking a bottle of wine out of her trench-coat before she proceeded to down a majority of its contents.

"Oh, are you sure? It's no trouble at- Wait, what?" Emiri babbled, struck dumb. ..._How did she sneak that into school?_

Upon finishing her wine, Mikuru faced Emiri, her cheeks already turning pink. Raising a fist to the ceiling, she then exclaimed to Emiri...

"Mikuru, are you oka-"

"_**I SHALL NOW VOMIT IN AGONY AND PASS OUT.**_"

What followed next was Mikuru turning her head to the left, then nonchalantly unleashing the liquid contents of her stomach into a potted plant next to the sofa. Mikuru teetered and tottered dangerously. Emiri stepped up to try and steady her, but was caught off-guard when the mascot stumbled forward and fell on top of her. They fell to the floor in a heap, Emiri pinned under Mikuru's now-snoring body. She spit out some hair and tried to budge her. Oddly enough, despite all her strength, Emiri just couldn't seem to free herself. She tried for a few more minutes before she gave up.

"...Asakura? Asakura? Oh, Asakura?_ ...Heeeeeeeeeelp!_"

From outside the building, a woman with beautiful red hair and a voluptuous body stared up at the room where Emiri's shouts were coming from. She sighed heavily.

"Not really one of my best moments..." she whispered to herself, walking away from the school's front gate with her head bowed slightly down.

* * *

**A/N: Alcoholic Mikuru strikes again. Freaking AA meetings should have worked out for her! **

**Thanks to ObsidianWarrior for the inspiration for Mikuru's flashback.  
**

**And, yes, I am not dead. **


	51. Doctor Doctor Emiri 4

**Client 4: Kunikida**

A somewhat cloudy overcast made Emiri feel somewhat glum as she sat in her tiny office.

Her job as therapist was certainly an entertaining experience, but for three straight days, nobody had scheduled an appointment with her. All she'd had to do in those long hours of nothing were to rearrange files on previous patients and eat her lunch in front of a computer that had seen better days. While her days back at the room of the Student Council weren't as action-packed, she certainly missed it when TSCP would badger her with pointless errands, make her fetch his cigarettes when he ran out, or slap her on the bottom when she passed by his desk.

"Those were the good old days..." Emiri fondly muttered to herself as she played Tic-Tac-Toe on a blank piece of paper on her clipboard. Ryoko would have played with her, but she currently not on speaking terms with Emiri. ...Mainly because the blunette didn't like being scolded at for when she had taken an early lunch-break instead of rushing over to help her superior free herself from underneath a drunken time-traveler.

Just when it looked like another lifeless day, the green-haired girl was interrupted from her monotonous game when the door behind her suddenly creaked open.

"Hello? Miss Kimidori? I heard you were the school's new therapist for a while, and I was wondering if I could get a chance to talk to you about something..." said a timid voice.

Emiri momentarily stopped her game and adjusted her loose glasses with a huff. "I'm very sorry," she said, getting up from her seat, "but you'll have to schedule an appointment... with the front... office... Oh, my."

Standing in the doorway was old "eerily like Justin Bieber, but with a penis and without the shitty music" Kunikida What's-his-face. Dressed in his mandatory school uniform and looking as exciting as a bowl of oatmeal, the young boy then apologized.

"I see. Well, I'm sorry. I guess I'll-"

"NO! _Don't go!_ ...I mean, no problem, I can take people now," Emiri said, her face flushed.

For you all see, Emiri Kimidori was the keeper of a shameful secret. She had never told anyone in her three years of life, but she was actually a bit of a shotacon. Young boys with baby-faced looks just mad her melt and brought out her motherly instincts to take care of them for some reason.

This lead to a pretty awkward moment when she was caught watching Rugrats by TSCP... and without any pants on.

Kunikida politely shook his head at her offer. "No, if I have to take out an appointment, I'll do so."

"IT'S FINE!" Emiri screamed suddenly, nearly leaving the poor boy scared out of his skin. "I mean... It's really no trouble at all! Yes. Please come in."

"...Maybe it be better if I left. I'm sorry for intruding on you, Miss Kim- Whoa!" Emiri yanked the chestnut-headed teen by the tie into the room (a move she learned from observing Haruhi).

He was practically thrown onto the large sofa in the room they were in. Emiri then sat Kunikida up so that he was resting his head on the soft arm of the couch. She then sat herself back in her once seat and tried to look as professional as possible. They kind of just stared at each other for a little bit.

"Ummmmm... Please don't hurt me..." Kunikida finally whimpered out, thinking he'd done something wrong. The very sight of him cowering like a scared pillbug before her was making the alien's underwear just a _tiny_ bit moist.

_Kyaaah... He's so CUTE!_ Emiri mentally squealed in her head before coughing into her fist. "Oh! You have done nothing wrong, Kunikida! Nothing wrong at all! And you may call me Emiri! After all, the bond between a doctor and her patient is a thing that must never be broken! ...So, uh, what did you need to see me for?" Emiri asked, shifting her legs around nervously.

Kunikida eyed her strangely before he adjusted himself on the couch. "Well, I guess I could stay here for a little while. There's a few things on my mind that I'd like to talk about."

"Such as...?"

"Ehhhh..."

"Kunikida, you need to be very open with me if we are to solve your problem," Emiri said a-matter-of-factly.

"Okie-dokie, then, Miss Kimi- I mean, Emiri," Kunikida awkwardly phrased. He smiled shyly at her.

The extraterrestrial felt her cheeks burn at the sight. _My goodness, he is turning me on so much... But now he's starting to clam up. I better try and goad him out with a little inspiration~..._ Emiri uncrossed her legs slightly, leaving the slightest hint of strawberry-pink (and possibly damp) panties visible if one looked closely.

"Tell Emiri _all_ about your troubles..." she purred sultrily. Unfortunately, since Kunikida had the mind of a non-molesting priest, he didn't even notice anything was off with his therapist.

"Well..." Kunikida began, furrowing his brow as he looked up at the ceiling. "There's this really important issue I have that I'm kind of afraid of bringing up for one. Mostly because I'm worried that you won't really care about or find boring. Or maybe even laugh about."

"Oh, I would never laugh at someone as swee- as kind as you!" Emiri said, shifting her eyes. Again, Kunikida didn't notice anything weird.

Twiddling his fingers together, the youth said, "It's just that... most of the time, I feel like no one really pays a lot of attention to me. I know that sounds kinda selfish, but I think no one truly cares whether I am around or not at certain events."

"You really think people purposely don't pay any attention to you?" Emiri asked, edging her seat a bit closer. One of her hands subconsciously moved on its own and undid three of the buttons on her blouse.

Kunikida gave her a serious look, but barely noticed the exposed skin. "No, I _know_ people really don't care for me when I am around. No matter the event, I usually just get shunted off to the side or forgotten about. Everyone has fun doing stuff while I just stand on the sidelines and try to pitch in with whatever little efforts I can muster. I feel like I'm almost... not good enough to belong anywhere."

_Oh, you poor, poor, little thing! _Emiri thought in terror. _How could anybody not want to be friends with such a wonderful boy? That's inhuman! I better have Asakura get rid of anybody who does that to him. ...After I get some names, of course._

"The worst part of it is that I feel like I actually deserve this stuff," Kunikida went on, frowning. "I don't have any huge hobbies, I never say anything witty or funny in chats, I'm sub-par at sports, and my personality isn't all that exiting. I feel like I'm such a huge nobody at times..."

_Awwwwwwwwww..._ Emiri cooed in her thoughts. She scooted her chair up a bit closer. "Can you tell me a bit more?"

"I think I started noticing this in junior high for the first time. I always hung out with Kyon and this other girl. Sasaki was her name. She and him were pretty close. I always enjoyed chatting with them about minor things, but I think most of our conversations ended up with the talk going on about something between the two of them. Kyon always did have a closeness with her... I felt like I just got in the way with her."

In her vast mind of coding and data, anger welled up within Emiri. _Why that horrible witch... How DARE she steal Kunikida's only true blue friend out from under his nose! I knew she was a bad seed... I'll have to do something evil to her later this week to avenge him._

"What do you think so far, Emiri?" Kunikida asked, playing with his thumbs.

"Hmmmmm? Oh, I think I might have an idea to what it is you're going through, Kunikida," Emiri spoke, tapping her pen against her clipboard. "I believe you are undergoing an extreme inferiority-complex here. All the signs seem to be there. But I think I need more information before I can go giving you out professional advice."

"So keep on talking?" the friend of Kyon voiced curiously.

"Yes, dear- I mean, Kunikida." Emir fluttered her eyes and leaned in a bit to show off her cleavage. Not that her patient even seemed to pay any attention to her pleasantly-endowed chest.

"Okay. Well, when I came to North High," Kunikida continued, "I met Taniguchi. A lot of people refer to us as just 'those two guys'. I know we hang out together a lot, but that seems pretty insensitive to give us a label like that. But despite that, no matter where we go, Taniguchi is always the more fun of the two of us. He's always making jokes and giving out dumb advice. But that makes him stand out a lot more than me." He sighed deeply and stared off to the side.

"Really? Taniguchi is _actually_ tolerable? I find that interesting..." Emiri bitterly snarked. "What else do you have to share? if you have anything more to say, Kunikida."

"Just that I wish I was more popular with everyone at school. I feel like some kind of... background character for a cartoon who just makes smart points to the main character and the occasional quip. I don't want to graduate school and just fade away into obscurity from my friends. I want to leave an impact on people!"

The brown-haired boy sighed again.

"...But that will never happen to a loser like me. Maybe I should just give up on being noticed."

"Oh, no, Kunikida!" Emiri gushed, taking his hands into her own. "You can't give up any hope now! You don't have to care what other people think about you! One of the most important things in life is to not care about what a bunch of thoughtless jerks think about you. You have to learn about how you can love yourself!"

Kunikida simply arched an eyebrow. "...And how's that going to help me through high school?"

"Kunikida, my friend, no one really cares what you did in high school once you're in the real world. I can guarantee that a lot of the people who ignored you here will probably either be serving fries, caring for screaming broods of children, running gas-stations, be in jail, or be dead," Emiri said with a wave of her hand. "...Maybe even all at once. You just have to always remind yourself that the most important thing in the world is what you think about _yourself_."

Kunikida gave out an open-mouth smile. "You really think so?"

Emiri grinned and placed and hand on her client's shoulder. "I know so. I bet any girl would be lucky to have you as her boyfriend. She'd see how great you really were when everyone else didn't. And all you'd have to do is just go out and ask her..."

"She would!" Kunikida cried out in jubilation, before adopting a blush. "Now that you mention it..."

"_Yeeeeees~?_"

"There IS this one girl I've had a crush on for a while. She's a bit of a friend."

"...Huh?"

"Yeah! A really cool girl! You might know her, too! Her name is Tsu-"

But Kunikida's words fell on deaf ears as Emiri looked away, already bristling with dark thoughts. _How can he betray me like this? He just walks in her with his boyish good looks and thinks he can string me along like this? No, no, no... This is all the fault of that mystery harlot! ...Meh. I bet I can get him to break up with her later on if I have to~. _

"Emiri, are you okay? You look a little ill."

_Oh, shit! He must have noticed how weird I was acting! It won't be long now before he learns of my burning desire to have him for myself! I hope he won't find it awkward after the beautiful bond we've shared... _Emiri thought, referring to the attachment she'd developed for a guy in less than an hour.

This was her moment to achieve true happiness.

"Kunikida, dear boy, do you believe in true love?" Emiri asked nonchalantly. She reached out and started to tenderly rub one of her client's shoulders.

"Ummmmmm, not really. I think it takes quite a bit of time to fully understand another person really we- what are you doing?" The brunette gave her a puzzled look.

"Do you like girls with green hair? I hear green is a sign of a usually healthy person with a lot of energy," the green-haired girl continued, winking.

"Emiri, you're acting a little funny..." Kunikida said with unease. "But anyways, I think I'm starting to feel a lot better about myself now. Thanks for talking me through this. I'll come back some other time!" He started to get up.

...Well, he would have, if Emiri hadn't leapt from her seat and landed on top of him like a jungle-cat.

"Kunikida, as your medical consultant, I must advise against this!" Emiri roared. The way she was on him looked like a reverse-rape, what with her knees on his legs and her hands pinning down his arms. Their faces were only inches apart.

"Miss Kimidori, what's going on?" Kunikida asked, blinking.

"I love you, Kunikida! I love you! I was never one to believe in true love at first sight, but I do now! I loved you ever since you walked in through that door!" Emiri ranted, tightening her grip. "We have so much in common! People never noticed me either! I was always in the background, too! With each other's company, we can bring so much happiness into our lives!"

"M-M-Miss Kimidori, I think you're being a_ little_ bit too forward on this!" Kunikida yelled, turning as red as a strawberry.

"What happened to Emiri? Don't you like me?"

"S-Sure I like you..."

"Then that settles it, my Kuni! We'll run to the ends of the Earth if we have to! _Because the more you try to put out the flames of love, the hotter they burn!_ _And until I make myself yours, nothing will ever be able to extinguish these flames of passion!_ NOW KISS ME, YOU MILD FOOL~!"

"Miss Kimidori, are you on any dru- MMMPF!"

As Emiri forced her tongue down Kunikida's throat, Ryoko soon entered the room, hoping to try and make up with her superior. Seeing the startling sight on the couch, Ryoko did a double-take and assumed one thing.

Obviously, Kunikida was using his superhuman sexual-powers that he had been secretly practicing in the background all this time to seduce Emiri into a puddle of hormonal jelly so he could have his way with her. Then he could go and report to Taniguchi about it. Then they would both laugh their heads off while Emiri looked like an easy tramp.

Not if I have anything to say about it! The yandere dashed up and pulled Emiri off of her shota-bait. "Don't worry, Kimidori! I've come back just in the nick of time to save you!"

"But, Asakura, I-"

"And as for you!" Ryoko picked up Kunikida by the back of his uniform and growled at him. "If I ever see you taking advantage of another girl again, I'm going to floss my teeth with your SPINE!"

"Asakura? I thought you flew all the way out to Canada!" Kunikida exclaimed in complete shock.

"The only thing that will be flying somewhere is _you_!" Ryoko arched her arm back like a football player and hurled Kunikida right off the couch and across the room. He skidded along the floor on his backside until he collided with the door headfirst. Shakily, he got up to his feet and saw Ryoko approaching him with a glare and some kind of knife. Still confused over the Emiri incident, the always soft-spoken boy yanked the door open and fled down the halls in a flash.

Satisfied, Ryoko turned to face Emiri, who looked as though her puppy for her birthday had just been run over by a car.

"You may thank me now," Ryoko declared with a proud grin.

She didn't get one.

"_**YOU RUINED MY ONE CHANCE AT TRUE HAPPINESS!**_" Emiri snarled, lunging at her assistant with her claw-like fingers open and her eyes blazing with hell-fire. "_**AND TO POSSIBLY GET LAID!**_"

"...Oops."

* * *

**A/N: I need to give Kunikida more appreciation. Wonder if nearly having him raped and murdered here counts? **

**And I think Emiri needs to get laid soon. **


	52. Doctor Doctor Emiri 5

**Client 5: ?**

Ryoko was sprawled out on the red couch in the room, one hand propping up her chin and the other vigorously rubbing her butt. While a very pretty girl, even her greatest admirers would acknowledge the fact that her face looked a bit... scary right now.

"Damn it, Kimidori, why did you go and practically shish kebab me right here? It might be made of data, but this body is very important to me! It still hurts, darn you!" Ryoko hissed at her companion across from her. "Being jabbed with my own beloved knife... Is that what I get for trying to _help_ you? You didn't have to claw at me after he ran off on you."

"Helpful?" scoffed Emiri, lying on her back on the room's rug. She sat up and gave her assistant a glare. "You instantly jumped to conclusions and drove away the one person who could have shown me what true happiness was like. I'll be spending the rest of my life trying to explain why you flat-out threatened Kunikida's life and why he should give me another chance. Oh, my poor, sweet, and defenseless Kuni... "

Ryoko just grinned horribly, despite the slight pain she was still in. "He probably thinks you're a clingy and obsessive horndog. Because now that you've explained things to me, it seems like I saved the life of _Kunikida_. Who knows what kind of horrors you might have inflicted on him with your womanly ways if I had gotten here ten minutes later~..."

As she expected, this was enough to get a very enraged Emiri to crawl over to her spot and snarl at her. "How _**DARE**_ you say that to my face, you radical ingrate! I was just trying to charm Kunikida into confiding all his fears and worries into me so we could possibly form a friendship that could blossom into something more one day!"

"Of course," Ryoko said, snickering. "You obviously wanted _somethin_g from him to get into you..."

Fed up with being called a cheap slut (and having her thinly-veiled scheme of getting into a shota's pants exposed), Emiri got to her feet and placed her hands on her hips. "That's it. I didn't take up this job of observing Haruhi Suzumiya just so I could sit back and have a renegade interface like you insult me!"

The blue-haired psychopath just gave her the ultimate trollface. "_Then what do you usually do?_"

"...Get out of my sight before I make a request to reconfigure your data into a life-form with less than a hundred brain-cells, Asakura."

"But-"

"NOW."

Emiri made a gesture, causing Ryoko to vanish instantly and cutting off whatever retort she had prepared to say. Now that she didn't have anyone to annoy her, Emiri spent the desk of her time sitting at the small desk they had provided for her in the room to await any calls that might come in. At one point in her waiting, she noted that she only had ten minutes left before she could officially call it a day. That settled it.

No one would probably be arriving for an appointment today.

"How disappointing. All I did was go to class and sit around here at lunch. No one even scheduled to see me at all," Emiri complained to herself, recalling some of her past sessions. "...Then again, maybe it's a good thing I didn't see anyone. Maybe I should look into other careers besides psychology."

And so Emiri decided to pack it in early and head back to the dull little apartment she could home. If today was going to end up uneventful, the rest of her day at home would most likely contain sitting at her coffee table while waiting for the IDTE to give her an evaluation of the day's events. Complete with eating a drab T.V. dinner and playing with her stuffed-animals.

_I'll probably end up conversing the night away with Asakura,_ she thought dully as she reached for her schoolbag. _At least she's entertaining. And I can't really stay mad at her forev-_

That was when Emiri sensed that she was not alone.

"...Is someone there?" she asked aloud, ready to call for back-up in case of a surprise attack. There was a flicker of movement in a dark corner of the room behind. Emiri spun around to confront the unknown threat.

And wished she had not.

"Hello."

"...Well, well. Good afternoon to you, too, Suou. I thought I detected the presence of something suspicious," Emiri announced, eyes narrowed at the alien who had just materialized in front of the door.

Kuyou's soulless eyes bored into Emiri's pale green ones. "I brought a message. For... you."

"You did? Is it something pertaining to my superiors? Or are you just trying to pick another fight?" Emiri accused, a smug sort of smile on her face.

Kuyou tilted her head in what seemed to be confusion before resuming her empty stare. "You are a liability to my cause. And it has been decided."

"Just _what_ was decided?" Emiri inquired, subconsciously backing towards the back of her desk.

Kuyou's answer was to raise her left arm and whisper a few words. Her limb extended in double its normal length transformed and her fingers sharpened and fused together. It had now transformed into a shimmering blade of red light.

"That I must make you... disappear."

Emiri's smug look took a vacation and left the face of imminent doom to take charge.

"Now just hold on for a second, Suou. Violence never solves anything. Why don't you and I schedule a meeting for next week with us and Yuki Nagato? How does that tickle your fancy?"

"Overridden. Your suggestion has been deemed faulty and inferior. The method of extreme physical force to achieve communication and an audience with the one called the Integrated Data Thought Entity has been chosen. Your demise will prove to be an effective factor in that act," Kuyou murmured, raising the blade over her head with little difficulty. "Goodbye... Emiri Kimidori."

The shorter creature hopped up on top of the desk, arm still poised for a deadly attack.

Now Emiri could have summoned Ryoko back to the room in order to double-team her opponent or called her faction's branch for some back-up, but she was so consumed with pants-wetting fear at being gutted that she carelessly blurted out something else. Perhaps some small part of her subconscious thought that the plan could appeal to a being like Kuyou. ...Or figured spewing any assortment of random crap would distract her long enough for Emiri to dive out the window.

"Suou, how you ever taken the time to sit down and reflect on the choices you have made in life?" Emiri spat out, ready to whip up a shield anyways.

Kuyou momentarily paused and raised one of her eyebrows slightly. "...What?"

"I mean..." Emiri stated, working up some bravery. "I would just like to ask you a few things about yourself. I don't really know that much about you. Maybe if we just talked about some of your history for only a _few_ minutes, we wouldn't have to resort to anything... messy."

Kuyou thought about this and reverted her blade back into her arm. She stiffly walked over to the couch and sat down. Swinging her legs over the floor, Kuyou looked more like a big porcelain doll than an otherworldly abomination from the stars. Relived, Emiri took her regular place in her chair.

"Now just answer as truthfully as you can on my questions. We'll go back in case you get confused or can't understand what I'm asking you. By doing this, we can try to get inside your mind and see how your psyche processes things."

"...I understand."

**Five Minutes Later...**

"So what is one of your favorite things to eat?"

"...Things."

While Emiri had managed to avoid a painful death, she had also learned something new- Kuyou was a rather plain and odd individual. Half of her answers were short and to the point, while the other half were very vague.

At least she knew that her favorite color was black.

"So, ummmmm, Suou..." Emiri muttered, trying to think up more questions to ask before Kuyou tired of them and did something bloody. "Why do you think you eat so much? I know for one that beings like us don't need to eat to live, but why is it that you constantly eat?"

Kuyou decided that Emiri was referring to the time they had last seen each other in the city and she'd a roasted turkey in her jaws. "It makes me feel full."

"Well, that does it for anything that eats, really."

"I do it so I'm not empty inside."

Emiri raised an eyebrow. "And where do you feel empty most of all?"

"Here." She pointed to where her heart was.

_Oh, the poor little thing... _Emiri thought, hiding a pang of sadness. "Why does your heart feel like that?"

"I do not know. It functions properly. It mainly happens after I speak with Fujiwara and Kyouko Tachibana," Kuyou replied.

"And what do they mainly say to you?" Emiri asked.

"That I'm an ugly freak," Kuyou bluntly replied, but still looking as blank as ever.

"They do? That's mean of them!" Emiri responded. Though she had no love of the rival group, this kind of behavior seemed even nasty for people like them. "I bet if they knew the real you, they would treat you better."

"The real me?" Kuyou asked, actually blinking is confusion.

"Yes. the real you. the part that's hidden under all the ones, zeros, and misconceptions about human life. If you want to truly be your own person, you have to dig deep and let it free!" Emiri cheered. Though she did somewhat doubt that someone like Kuyou could do such a thing.

"Well..." Kuyou announced, actually looking nervous and she crossed her fingers. "There IS a side of me that is undiscovered. That no one knows about. No one. ...Not even my creators."

A very interested Emiri leaned in. "And just what _is_ this hidden side? Free it, Suou! Let me see it!"

"It is a secret side. A hidden side... My preppy side."

"...Excuse me?"

"Behold."

Kuyou stared straight at Emiri and her eyes turned all grey and lifeless. Then there was a short humming sound. Kuyou's eyes turned back to black again, but now she looked faintly surprised as she clutched the sides of her face.

"OMG! I can feel again!"

Emiri's reaction was reasonable. "Did you just using an actual internet saying?"

"Emiri, this is me. The real Kuyou. I was locked away in the deepest parts of my own brain! If I acted any differently by talking to you guys, I would have been thrown away like trash!" Kuyou yelled in a high-pitched, girly voice. "It was torture for me! Being all bland and boring and emo..."

"Bwah?" Emiri blurted out in a state of stupor.

"Part of me really wanted to be myself. My bosses were total assholes and wanted me to be all dumb, but I had scanned a whole bunch of the Earth after I came alive and stuff. I, like, started with places like California and stuff. Then I had to act like a little zombie so they wouldn't suspect anything!" Kuyou continued, making dramatic hand-gestures and swaying a lot.

"...Uh-huh," the green-haired therapist said.

Kuyou clapped her hands and smiled in a way that could only be called kawaii. "But now I, like, got all this stuff that I wanna talk about. I like Sasaki, because she's always really, really nice to me. Fujiwara is pretty hot, but he uses me like a tool for his evil plots! He can be kind of a tool, too! Hee hee hee~... Oh, and Kyouko is kind of a ditz though. She's totally gay for Sasaki if you think about it." She emitted a laugh that ended with a tiny snort at the end.

Emiri just sat there, completely mystified by what she had unleashed.

"I have a secret to share with you, Emiri~..." Kuyou said in a teasing manner, leaning over. "You wanna know why I always had to speak with pauses in between my words?"

Emiri snapped out of her daze and asked, "Is it because your body didn't have enough sufficient data for speech?"

"No," Kuyou whispered. "It was because I was, like, being... _censored_."

"Seriously? What for?"

"Every time you heard me pause in one of my sentences in the past? It was actually me, like, trying to use some of my favorite words. Like oh, my god, totally, rad, gnarly, tubular, way cool, awesome, groovy, mondo, outrageous, and funky. Oh, and lulz. I like that one~... I think I'm ready to show the world the true me~!"

_Oh, god, what have I brought upon the world? _Emiri thought as Kuyou stood up

With a single swipe of her right hand, Kuyou ripped off her hair and clothes and instantly became a new person. Her once black hair became a shimmering curtain of platinum blond hair, a large pink bow with white polka-dots sat atop it, expensive lip-gloss covered her lips, a low-cut aqua tank-top covered her torso and exposed her midriff, a pair of hot pink booty-hugging hotpants replaced her skirt, and matching purple sandals with butterfly buckles were on her feet.

Kuyou now resembled a large Barbie doll if you squinted hard.

"...WHAT THE FUCK?" a slack-jawed Emiri deadpanned.

"I only had black hair because it totally matched my outfit for school~," Kuyou admitted in a sing-song voice, toying with some of her strands. "But now I don't care what anyone thinks~! I can still learn about people this way~! And if people don't like me for who I am, I can just ignore 'em all! Or rip them apart or eat them or something..." The newly-made blond paused to look at some lint floating past her head.

Emiri decided to say something but the sentence died in her throat, along with the rest of her sanity. _...Oh, FUCK, is that one of those bendy purses next to her? Where did she get THAT!_ The world was not ready to behold the horror that was valley-girl Kuyou.

"...Whoa, almost forgot what I was gonna do next! Thanks for being a super friend and listening to all my dumb stuff, Emiri~. You're sweet~..." Kuyou said sweetly, embracing her traumatized doctor in a blueberry-scented hug. "I'm gonna run home and talk to the girls! And Fujiwara, too! Oh, my gosh, maybe I can finally ask him out on a date! Even if he doesn't want to go, lulz~! Then we can all go shopping, have some frosty chocolate milkshakes, walk in the park, watch a movie, do each other's hair..."

"Uhwhaaaaaaaaaaaaa...?" said a rather horrified Emiri.

Kuyou listed a few other pointless activities before she hugged Emiri again and flounced out of the room, bendy purse in hand

Emiri spent the next day at home, continuously flipping through the phonebook for any good clinics in the area she could check herself into.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to Greg Zerich for suggesting the idea for preppy Kuyou.  
**

**That's the end of Emiri's arc. But I have word on that Mr. Wang 330 might be writing another excerpt for her in the future. if he still wants to do it, I'll post it here as a chapter of its own. Just think of it as a chapter that follows in this arc's continuity. **

**Next chapter will feature something that was written by a different friend of mine. **


	53. True Wuv!

Today was just another typical day for all the students of North High. Haruhi was sitting in her chair, staring aimlessly out the window just like she always did. It had been a while since she'd come up with some sort of activity for the Brigade to do, so she knew she'd have to think of something. The last thing she'd want was for her Brigade to become complacent.

Kyon entered the classroom a minute later and greeted Haruhi before taking his seat. "Any big plans for the club today?"

"I have a few ideas," said Haruhi with her million-watt smile. "You'll just have to wait."

"Great," said Kyon, masking what little enthusiasm he had. The truth was that Kyon had something on his mind lately. He'd realized that Haruhi had been acting differently around him as of late. Whenever he spoke with another girl, even briefly, Haruhi would stare sharply at him. Anytime Kyon decided to call into school sick, Haruhi would rush the entire Brigade over to make sure he wasn't dying of some bizarre illness. Then on his birthday, everyone's gifts except for Haruhi's were mysteriously set on fire. Yep, something was up.

He needed answers. Although he knew he'd regret it, he had to know once and for all. He turned towards the Brigade Chief.

"There's something I've been meaning to ask you."

Haruhi raised an eyebrow. "What is it?"

Kyon paused briefly. "This is going to come out weird, but... what do you think of me?"

Haruhi's heart leaped into her throat. "W... What?"

"I just wonder if I'm actually more than just a lackey to you or something."

Haruhi crossed her arms and turned away. "What would make you think that?"

"I don't know," said Kyon as he rubbed his head. "You've just been acting weird around me lately."

"No I haven't!"

Kyon narrowed his eyes and moved in closer. "You're hiding something, aren't you?"

Haruhi face had become completely flushed. "No!" She was having a great deal of difficulty hiding her feelings.

"You're lying," said Kyon. "Be honest."

Haruhi was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Her instincts told her to deck him in the face, but before she tried, another thought hit her. Earlier that morning, Haruhi had briefly visited a Shinto shrine and drew a fortune. The fortune had told her that she would obtain "The Best Luck". She didn't take it seriously at the time, but now she knew. This was it! This the moment the fortune was talking about! It was now or never! She would tell him the truth!

Haruhi stood up and slammed her hands on the desk. "I love you!"

Kyon was taken aback by this. "What?"

"I love you! A lot! I'm crazy about you! No, that's an understatement!" She was quickly losing her composure. "You know how much those otaku and weeaboos love their waifus? Well, they don't have shit on me!"

Kyon was beginning to become disturbed. He started leaning away.

Haruhi continued speech. "Sometimes I'll sneak out of my house and go to yours and stare at you from your bedroom window while you sleep. You're so adorable while you're sleeping. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't help myself. Also, while you were out visiting relatives the other day, I broke into your house and stole your underwear from your hamper. It smells soooo good."

By now, others in the classroom were starting to listen in out of morbid curiosity.

"I have a body-pillow that has a picture of you laying on your couch without a shirt on! Every night, I hug it tightly while humping it, thinking about how good it would feel to have you inside me! I've already come up with names for our first three children! Yasumi, Koharu, and Kyonta! Two girls and one boy!"

The entire class was now caught up with what was going on. The strange girl who sat in the corner now appeared completely deranged and scary. Some were weighing their options on whether they should run or not.

"Whenever I think about the idea of you being around another woman, I... I just want to break things! Lots of things! I start to fantasize about choking those girls, harder and harder, until I snap their little necks. No one is allowed to have my Kyon. NO ONE!"

Kyon had now backed away from Haruhi enough to nearly fall off his desk. What the hell had he done?

"I've even gone as far as writing my own Haruhi/Kyon fanfiction on some fanfiction website under an alias. It garnered over 1,300 reviews!" Haruhi started pulling on her hair. "I love you so much that I sometimes think I should kill myself! To think that someone like you could reduce me to this level! I think to myself that if for any reason you don't choose me, I'd have to kill myself! That way, I'm sure you'll notice me and realize how wonderful I was and how inferior Mikuru and Yuki are! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!"

Haruhi was finished. She had let it all out. There was no going back. Surely he'd realize her feelings and reciprocate them. The fortune couldn't be wrong.

After a minute, Kyon started chuckling. Seconds later, he was practically falling over with laughter. This laughter continued for five straight minutes, then it died down a bit before starting up at full blast for another three minutes.

By the time Kyon had stopped laughing, he was actually in pain. "Ow. Oh, my god. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard."

Haruhi was dumbfounded. What the hell did this laughter mean?

"You almost had me," said Kyon. "When you said you had a body-pillow of me, I knew you were messing with me. That was hilarious!"

Haruhi started chuckling lightly in response. "Yeah... heh... that's right... heh heh. You sure figured me out. Should have known I couldn't fool you. I... I need to step out... to use the bathroom." She then started walking away as fast as she could, trying to hide her face. The moment she was out the door, she dashed towards the stairs and went up onto the roof.

The moment she was up there, she burst into tears.

"Stupid Kyon! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, Kyon! Damn you!" She felt lower than she'd ever did in her life. How could the fortune be so wrong? This was that fortune's fault, she thought. Who would've thought a piece of paper would deceive her so?

It was at that moment that the door to the roof opened. Haruhi turned towards it in hope. Could it be him chasing after her? Maybe he realized the truth and decided to confront her. Perhaps he was only pretending that he thought it was a joke so he could admit his feelings to her in private. That had to be it!

Unfortunately, it was not Kyon. Instead, it was Sakanaka.

Haruhi quickly wiped her eyes. "What do you want?"

Sakanaka nervously approached while tapping her fingers together. "I... I wanted to ask you something."

"What is it?"

Sakanaka looked nervously back and forth before finally asking. "Are you really the author of that fanfic? The one with over 1,300 reviews?"

Haruhi was surprised by the question. "Um... yeah."

Sakanaka beamed. "Oh, my god~! I love that fanfic! I literally spent the last two days reading it without even sleeping! You are a god to me!" She then moved uncomfortably close. "Can I glomp you?"

Haruhi sighed deeply. "Yeah. Go ahead." Normally, she'd tell the girl to buzz off, but since she was feeling so crappy, she decided to give in.

Sakanaka wrapped her arms around Haruhi and squeezed tightly, sighing with satisfaction. Haruhi stood there for a few minutes while the other girl did this. She had to admit that it did feel good to be admired like this, even if it was a little creepy. But then she felt something weird.

"Hey! Did you touch my _butt_?"

Sakanaka's eyes shifted back and forth. "M... Maybe..."

Haruhi hung her head, feeling too defeated to care. "Go ahead and keep going if you want."

It should be noted that all over Japan, every single Shinto shrine was now in flames. Many would later call it a true act of God, and they wouldn't be too far off.

* * *

**A/N: This chapter was actually given to me by JonBob0008. Thanks for contributing to this collection, my friend.**

**If you were to ask me, my favorite part had to be where Haruhi brought up the pillow. We all know she can be freaky. **


	54. Brick Bash

"Heeeeeeeeey~..." Sasaki mischievously poked Fujiwara in the back of his neck. "Kyouko and Kuyou wanna play Truth or Dare."

"I'm not interested," he snapped, going back to his newspaper as he relaxed in the spare room Kyouko had given him out of the goodness of her heart.

"It's either that or Spin the Bottle," she protested, "and you know how Kuyou can get when we play _that_."

The time-traveler began to sweat nervously, remembering last time's turn of events when he'd been forced to watch Kuyou steamily make out with a tin of soup. "...Fine."

**ONE DARE-FILLED HOUR LATER~...**

Fujiwara approached the door hesitantly, holding a brick behind his back. "I sure hope I'm not going to regret this," he murmured to himself, raising it above his head.

After Kyouko had been invited to join in the game, Fujiwara had known the night wasn't going to end well for him. That girl really did carry too many bricks around with her for her own good.

"...What're you doing?"

The time-traveler turned around hastily.

There stood our favorite knife-nut, Ryoko Asakura.

"Oh... ya know..." He gestured with his hands, quickly shoving the brick in his back pocket. "Just... being a nuisance to society..."

Ryoko placed her hands on her hips and walked up to him in a haughty way. "Well, a brick's NOT going to do much damage to a door on any of these apartments," she said breezily. "They're built to deter any forcible entry. No, what you REALLY need for these kind of doors..."

She pulled out a chainsaw from her skirt.

"...is my newest companion, Knify Jr.!"

Fujiwara watched in stunned silence. "...How did you fit _that _down your skirt?"

"Never mind that," she said, flicking back a strand of her hair. "Why are you trying to break into Miss Nagato's home?"

"Kyouko..." he explained, knowing she'd understand.

"...I see... She really does carry too many bricks with her..." Shrugging, Ryoko moved towards the door. When suddenly...

"WHO THE FUCK **ARE** YOU PEOPLE!" Mr. Kimidori the floating dog screeched. The two vandals turned around. The balloon-dog was stood behind them, carrying groceries (don't even get me STARTED on explaining how he could carry them). Ryoko flinched.

"...IT WAS HIM!" she yelled, pushing Knify Jr. into Fujiwara's arms. "I, UH, I GOTTA SKIDADDLE NOW... SEE YOU AT SCHOOL!" She kicked the floor and a trap-door suddenly opened up underneath her, sending her falling down several stories. The boy and dog stared in amazement.

After that, Mr. Kimidori suddenly eyed Fujiwara. Fujiwara swallowed nervously.

"U-Uh... I, uh, I wasn't _really _gonna... Uh... Wh-What are you doing with that bag...!"

**THREE HOURS LATER~...**

Fujiwara flopped down on his makeshift bed, exhausted after three rounds with Mr. Kimidori. He'd sure learnt _his _lesson.

...Never piss off horny balloon-dogs.

"Oh, hello~..." He looked up and saw Kyouko standing over him. "Did ya do it?"

"No!" Fujiwara spat. "And you can have your motherfucking brick back!" He tossed it at her.

Shrugging, Kyouko put it in her mouth and began to suck it.

"Mmmmm... Tastes like your back pocket," she mumbled, batting her eyes.

* * *

**A/N: This entry was written by my dear friend, Cha-Cha Cheesecake. Thank her for creating this round of humor.**

**Personally, my favorite part of all had to be the ending with Kyouko and the brick. I laughed so hard at it the first time I read it myself. And Knify Jr. FTW. **


	55. I Need an Adult

"Today was a really good meeting," Kyon casually said as he and Haruhi strolled out of the front of North High. The former was in a calm mood and the other was feeling just genki.

"It certainly was, Kyon," Haruhi replied jovially, reaching out and giving Kyon a pat on the shoulder. After receiving said pat, Kyon then noted that Haruhi's hand had not left his shoulder at all after five seconds.

"Uhhhhh, Haruhi?" Kyon turned to give her a curious look.

Haruhi merely titled her head to the side. Then she grinned widely.

"Haruhi?"

"..."

"...Haruhi, what are you going to-"

Poor Kyon never stood a chance. Standing near the front of the school, Sasaki and Kyouko watched with a mix of horror and curiosity as a certain cynic was pinned down on the ground by a humping Haruhi.

"That," Sasaki said with a twitch as she watched her old friend try to escape the bucking tsundere lying on top of him, "is the most appalling thing I have ever seen in my entire life."

"Indeed it is, Sasaki. Indeed it is," the pigtailed girl agreed as she leaned over and placed a hand onto Sasaki's shoulder.

Time seemed to freeze as the former goddess slowly turned to look at her companion.

Kyouko just grinned.

* * *

**A/N: Fact- Ninety percent of all rape scenarios start with a touch to the shoulder. **


	56. The Return of Bacon Mountain

"Ahhhh, smell that air, Kyon! Nothing like the fresh scent of the open sea~!" Haruhi exclaimed as she stood upon her watercraft.

Kyon looked up from where he was sitting and rolled his eyes. "Yeah. The open sea." He picked up a large hunk of French toast in his hand. "I had no idea the ocean smelled like a typical American table at breakfast."

Haruhi shot Kyon a glare and stopped rowing in the river of syrup with her oversized cinnamon-stick. "It's just a figure of speech. And I don't get why you're so crabby all of a sudden. This is the one time something incredible has happened to us! We have the chance to do something monumental to immortalize the SOS Brigade forever! We have the chance..."

She grabbed Kyon by the collar of his shirt and hoisted him up to her face.

"_**TO CLIMB TO THE TOP OF BACON MOUNTAIN~!**_"

"...Not to spoil them moment for you, Haruhi, but your breath smells like a cross between a forest of maple trees and a pork-processing plant," Kyon returned, waving his hand. Haruhi unceremoniously dropped her grunt back onto the large piece of bread they were on, but kept her happiness.

"You should be a lot more excited that there's an actual Bacon Mountain. I actually thought you may have been right when you said that that map was a fake. But a small part of me still believed... and now look where we are! We can climb to the top of Bacon Mountain and prove all those naysayers wrong, Kyon! Getting this map has allowed all my dreams to come true! Not to mention us getting to see the fabled King Yum-Yum and his delicious children who live at the top!"

The always sarcastic male dusted himself off and stood. "I had a feeling you'd want to do something like that. But let me ask you this before we get there, Haruhi..." Kyon then gestured at the thirty-foot tall pile of bacon settled at the end of the block, the river of the syrup they were on drifting towards a sort of pond at its base. "If you possess a map to Bacon Mountain, a location that has only existed in legend since yesterday... WHAT GOOD IS IT TO YOU NOW? WHY WOULD YOU NEED A MAP TO A PLACE THAT HAS APPARENTLY EXISTED OUTSIDE MY OWN DAMN HOUSE THIS ENTIRE TIME? DON'T YOU FIND IT THE _LEAST_ BIT STRANGE? IN ALL THE TIMES YOU'VE COME THROUGH MY NEIGHBORHOOD? WHY WOULD THOSE KIDS AT SCHOOL EVEN GIVE YOU A MAP IF YOU ALREADY KNEW WHERE BACON MOUNTAIN WAS? HOW THE HELL DID A MOUNTAIN APPEAR OUTSIDE MY HOUSE IN A SINGLE NIGHT? WHY WOULD THE PIGS YOU DESCRIBED FROM THE MAP WANT TO LIVE ON A TOWER MADE OUT OF THEIR DEAD FRIENDS AND FAMILY ANYWAY? _**AND DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW ODD IT IS TO BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION ON A GIANT PIECE OF FRENCH TOAST ON A RIVER OF SYRUP IN THE FIRST PLACE!**_" And with that, Kyon sat back down and glared up at Haruhi, the veins in his forehead highly noticeable.

"...Kyon, you really aren't one to believe in true faith, are you?" Haruhi asked, smiling down happily at her lackey.

Within seconds, the raft made of sweet and crispy bread began to sink under the waves of the gooey river, but only due to Kyon lunging at Haruhi and attempting to beat her senseless with her cinnamon-stick.

**On the Far Side of the River...**

"Oh ho ho ho ho ho~!" chuckled a feminine voice from the sidewalk.

The laugh belonged to figure with long hair and a large bag in one hand. She eyed the pile of bacon with a steely gaze (unlike the confused inhabitants of the neighborhood) and walked towards a piece that was extending out like a drawbridge.

"Heh heh heh heh... " the mystery person giggled fiendishly. "Soon it will be me who will claims this mountain for myself! Climb right up to the top! All in the name of my megassa great family name! Nyoro!"

That was when another ominous figure stepped in from behind the fence of a house. "Not if I... get to it first."

Tsuruya (oh, please, as if all of you didn't already know for heaven's sake) spun around, going from startled and confused to extremely aggravated. "...You! I know you! You're that quiet girl that hangs around with Kyon's old friend!"

"Correct... I need to get to the... top of this... structure."

"Why, nyoro? Tell me."

"For... data collection," the strange girl replied in monotone. She licked her lips without even realizing it.

"Oh, ya can't fools me with that baloney! I know what ya want! You wanna eat all the bacon on this mountain, too! Well, I'll tell you what you CAN eat!" Tsuruya roared in a rage.

"What?"

"...MY DUST, THAT'S WHAT!" With that, the green-haired girl vaulted herself onto the pile of crispy meat, bag in hand.

"...Fine." The figure leapt onto the bacon-strip and quickly gave chase.

By the way, that was actually Kyouko that Tsuruya was speaking to.

...Okay, it was Kuyou.

**Back with Kyon and Haruhi...**

"Yup, this is exactly how I wanted to spend my morning," Kyon complained walking along a pathway made out of pure pork. "Trudging up a pile of cooked animal-flesh while maple-syrup sticks to and hardens on my clothes. Great way to exercise." He reached out and tore off a bacon-bit the size of a small plate off the wall next to him and started to nibble on it. "...Pretty good bacon though."

Up ahead on the little path, Haruhi was eating a flower with petals made out of scrambled eggs. "Your whining won't kill my mood this day, Kyon! We're only ten feet off the ground. That just means we only have twenty feet left before we reach the top! And then..." Haruhi took out a large kitchen-knife and grinned creepily at it. "I get to snag one of King Yum-Yum's kids as my own. Oh, think of how tender the meat off a piglet that young will taste. Hee hee hee hee hee hee~..."

"...Congratulations, Haruhi. The image of your face lusting over the impending death of a small animal will forever replace Asakura's in my nightmares," Kyon answered with a mix of horror and disgust.

"Shut up, Kyon!"

The comical and inept duo continued their trek up the winding road that led up to the peak. After a minute or two, the path suddenly came to an abrupt end. However, Haruhi was quick to point out a bunch of meaty footholds jutting out from above.

"Problem solved! Let's just scale this wall of porky perfection and grab me a piggy! Wish I'd brought along a flag to plant when we reach the top..." Haruhi announced as she took a hold of the nearest bacon foothold. Kyon just sighed and began to climb up alongside her.

"Haruhi... are you _really_ going to kidnap a small and defenseless piglet just to eat it? We have a whole mountain of bacon on here. Why not just be grateful for what you have?" Kyon reasoned.

Haruhi turned to give him a glare as the wind whipped up against them from their ledge. "Because only the_ best_ is good enough for the Brigade Chief of the SOS Brigade! That's why! They will be MINE to eat!"

"Not if I eat them first, nyoro!"

"What?" Both the reality-warper and cynic looked to their left to see Tsuruya on a cliff-face next to them, a grappling hook embedded on a ridge above her. More bizarrely was the fact that she was wearing a feathered hat and a Swiss mountain-climbing outfit.

"Well, well, well! Small world, eh, Haruhi and Kyon? Or should I say... _**SMALL BACON MOUNTAIN**_! NYOROHOHOHO~!" Tsuruya cackled in her attempt to come off as malicious.

"Tsuruya? What are you doing on MY mountain?" Haruhi demanded.

"YOUR mountain?" Kyon scoffed incredulously.

"I'm doing what it looks like, Haruhi! I'm gonna head up to the top, claim it in the name of the Tsuruya family, and then noms everything in sight, nyoro!" Tsuruya bragged. "And you two can't stops me! With my speed and agility, King Yum-Yum and his ilk will soon be mine!"

"How the heck do _you_ know about the pigs?" Kyon asked in exasperation. He knew for sure that Haruhi hadn't told anyone about the ridiculous legend except for him.

"How do I know about King Yum-Yum?" the green-headed upperclassman replied, smiling evilly. "Why Bacon Mountain is just one of the many important prophecies passed down from generation to generation in the Tsuruya family!"

Kyon stared at Tsuruya for bit before facepalming. "I... I really shouldn't have asked at all."

"Prophecy or no prophecy, friendship or no friendship, Bacon Mountain is all mine! So you can just go and choke on a block of cheese, Tsuruya!" Haruhi snarled, waving her knife around like a madwoman.

"Not if I... reach the peak before you."

The trio turned to look to their right to see Kuyou Suou scaling the mountain with her bare hands, a blank look on her face.

"Sasaki's weird little goth friend! I knew she'd try to horn in on my big day! Get lost, Sadako!" the tsundere threatened.

Kuyou just shook her head. "No. Sasaki... not involved. My goal only. Bacon Mountain? ...Mine." And with that, Kuyou launched herself upwards.

"Come back here, ya living mop, nyoro!" Tsuruya growled as she started scaling up her rope at an inhumanly fast pace.

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..." Haruhi snarled, taking the back of Kyon's shirt into her hand.

Kyon blinked. "Haruhi? What are you-"

His question went unanswered as Haruhi suddenly lunged upwards. With one hand she held Kyon, while the other was used to scale up. Anything that Haruhi could not climb against was demolished in an instant as she chewed directly through it like a piranha. Complete with an OM NOM NOM sound. Tsuruya had just caught up with Kuyou when Haruhi suddenly rushed past them.

"The fuck was that?" Tsuruya yelled.

"The fuck is this!" Kuyou cried out in surprise.

Within only a minute, Haruhi had reached the peak of Bacon Mountain with Kyon in tow. She set him down and glanced around. It seemed to be rather quiet up top and deserted, save for a few piles of powdered-sugar set up to look like snow.

"Finally! The top of Bacon Mountain! We made it, Kyon!" Haruhi cheerfully stated. "Now to get me a piggy..."

"...First of all, how the hell are you not horribly obese?" Kyon questioned, after witnessing the young god eat more than her weight in pork. "And second of all, how the HELL ARE YOU STILL HUNGRY AFTER ALL OF THAT!"

"No time to answer! We must find King Yum-Yum and his royal family. But first..." Haruhi took out her knife and eyed the piece of ground where Tsuruya's grappling hook was stuck in. "Heh heh heh... If I time it just right, Tsuruya should fall on top of Suou and that'll take care of both of them~..."

"Uhhhhhhhh..." Kyon thought quickly, not wanting his breakfast crazed love-interest to commit murder. "Oh, look, Haruhi! THERE'S KING YUM-YUM RIGHT OVER THERE!"

Haruhi rolled her eyes. "Kyon, you can't fool me that eas-"

"_Oink._"

The two turned around and came face to face with a large pink pig with a golden crown on its head. Surrounding it were a bunch of smaller piglets, colored pink, brown, white, and black with a variety of markings.

"...Huh. He really was over there," Kyon deadpanned.

"THE LEGENDARY KING YUM-YUM AND HIS FAMILY! I'VE WANTED TO SEE SOMETHING THIS GREAT ALL MY LIFE~..." Haruhi said in amazement... then the child-like wonder in her eyes was gone and replaced with the bloodlust of a serial-killer. "NOW IT'S TIME TO GET IN MAH BELLY!" She waved the knife over her head and began to charge at the nearest piglet as Kyon turned away.

"Oh, no, ya don't!" Tsuruya grunted, Kuyou pushing her up onto the summit.

"Not you two!"

"Indeed," Kuyou ominously said before she looked at Tsuruya. "Truce...?"

"Truce~!" Tsuruya giggled, starting towards Kyon and Haruhi with outstretched fingers. Kuyou mimicked her facial expression and made it ten times creepier.

"What are you going to do to us?" Kyon warily said.

"Throw you off the mountain," the pair nonchalantly answered.

"What! That's evil! How can you do this to me, Tsuruya? I thought we were friends!" Haruhi said with a pain-stricken face.

"_You were going to kill them first!_" Kyon roared. of course, Haruhi ignored him.

"Friends come and go. But bacon is forever~!" Tsuruya chuckled.

"YEEEEEEES~..." Kuyou eerily agreed.

"...Can't argue with that logic," Haruhi admitted. Kyon predictably facepalmed.

King Yum-Yum, noticing the possible bloodbath that was about to transpire in front of his family decided to take the responsibility to get them out of the area and to a much safer place. Giving out a loud snort, he gathered his children near the far edge of the mountain. The small piggies copied their father's movements as he hunched over.

"What's going on over there?" Kyon pointed out, getting the attention of the insane women around him.

The group of pigs shook their backs for a bit, squealed loudly and then... sprouted huge angelic wings out of their packs.

And then they all leapt off the edge and flew off into the sky.

"...Well, I'm gonna be honest and say I certainly didn't see that coming," Tsuruya finally said.

"What is this I don't even," Kuyou babbled, using some Earth lingo she'd picked up.

"Wait! Come back, King Yum-Yum!" Haruhi tearfully cried as she ran over to the ledge where the pigs had jumped. "Please come back... _**I WANTED TO EAT YOU ALL!**_"

Kyon facepalmed yet again.

"Say..." Tsuruya started, scratching her head. "With the megassa huge pig and his kids gone, wouldn't there be nothing at the top except just us to balance this entire mountain, nyoro?"

Haruhi and Kyon froze as Kuyou cocked her head to the side. "It's a... logical possibility."

"Oh. Okay."

And then Bacon Mountain collapsed.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" yelled everybody.

**Five Minutes Later...**

"So what's gonna happen now?" Kyon inquired to Yuki in a fresh new change of clothes. The two were sitting on the front lawn of his house, watching the police and fire department makes sense of the huge pieces of bacon, scrambled-egg flowers, powdered-sugar, and pieces of French-toast floating around in the syrup-covered street of his neighborhood. Quite a scene to behold.

"The Data Overmind has looked into the matter thoroughly and come up with a solution that should set everything right once more," Yuki answered plainly. "By the time tomorrow comes, bacon Mountain will cease to exist, and everyone's memories of it will follow soon after. A perfectly normal day was had by all parties involved. Haruhi Suzumiya included."

The boy glanced at the unconscious pile of Haruhi, Tsuruya, and Kuyou lying nearby and sighed. "That's great. Thanks again for catching us, Nagato. We would have been splattered or have drowned if you hadn't been waiting for us at the bottom." He popped a big of an egg flower into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. "Never knew French-toast could make a good trampoline."

"I will always be ready to assist you. Haruhi Suzumiya and the other two should later on. Once they do, Bacon Mountain's remains her will be... disposed of," Yuki finished. Kyon could have sworn that he saw the bookworm slowly lick up a bit of drool, but didn't question it.

"Good. Good. No more breakfast-related hijinx. Just one thing though, if you don't mind me asking..." Kyon muttered, looking around some more before finally facing the alien. "Why aren't Koizumi and Miss Asahina around here? I figured they would have been with you when you rescued us."

"Oh. Yes," Yuki said, looking up at the sky as she put in finger to her chin. "Itsuki Koizumi and Mikuru Asahina were not able to arrive here. An unforeseen event happened."

"What kind of event? Couldn't have been _that_ important."

"If I remember the information correctly, both Koizumi and Miss Asahina were summoned to the Waffle Kingdom on an urgent message from Minister Crepe. Their skills were required in order to liberate the reigning monarch, Princess Éclair, from the clutches of the Chestnut King. They are most likely on their way to the Pudding Continent as we speak. ...Is something wrong?"

Kyon properly lost all faith in logic and fainted.

* * *

**A/N: Done just for you, ObsidianWarrior. **

**I hope the rest of you all enjoyed this trip back to one of the weirdest ideas (okay, a LOT of my stuff is nutty and stupid) I've ever done here. **


	57. Film Flam

October had once again blessed the town of Nishinomiya. People wore their coats to protect themselves from the chilling winds. Green leaves gave way to the seasonal browns, reds, oranges, and yellows. The occasional grinning pumpkin sat on the porches of the neighborhood houses. A karaoke bar decorated its windows with cut-outs of witches, ghosts, and bats.

Yup, nothing like celebrating Thanksgiving.

"It's Halloween, you glorious dumbass," Kyon snidely replied to the fourth wall, going back to carving a pumpkin in the clubroom with the others.

Fucking prick.

While the author nursed his ego and sucked his thumb, the members of the SOS Brigade were preparing the clubroom for Haruhi's plans for an all Western Halloween celebration. There were rubber spiders on the windows, some pumpkins on the table, shades of orange, black, and purple all over the place, and Yuki was decked out in her witch costume in her chair like a decoration. Seriously, Haruhi had forced Yuki to change into the costume and ordered her to not move at all for half an hour as they did stuff.

"May I please read one of my books while you all work?"

"Quiet, Yuki! We don't have any spell books on hand for you to leaf through! So keep quiet for now and look as ominous as you can!"

"...Okay."

Poor her. Now while Kyon was gingerly slicing a buck-toothed smile for a pumpkin, Itsuki was going through a catalogue of more things they might need (he gets the easy job- BIG shocker there), Mikuru was fearfully hanging a ceiling-ornament with plastic bats on it, Haruhi was leafing through a newspaper with Tsuruya.

Why a newspaper, you ask?

Because recently, Haruhi had suddenly developed a fetish for monster movies. She'd ended up watching the 1954 version of Godzilla one late weekend night and gotten hooked on the entire Kaiju genre. She'd started to look into the old monsters movies of yore. The effects achieved by such simple things as puppetry and good make-up impressed her more than all the common uses of CGI she'd seen nowadays. Now that it was Halloween, Haruhi's monster-craving was at an all time high.

The others were fine with it, just as long as Haruhi didn't conjure up any giant apes or radioactive lizards. But now they had to be on the alert ever since the little goddess had announced that she wanted to take the entire crew out to see a scary movie three days before Halloween. It was to immerse them in the American culture of traditional horror movies, she had said.

Kyon had a feeling that it was just an excuse to make Mikuru wet herself (secretly, it was). Luckily for them, Itsuki's organization had the foresight to grab a bunch of old timey monster movies and dub them for their convenience. And ad for a monstrous marathon to be playing at the local cinema for her to easily find.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm..." Haruhi hummed to herself as Tsuruya helped her to scan the movie section in the paper. "What movie shall we see and what time?"

"Somethin' with a lotta blood and guts..." Tsuruya chimed in. This caused Mikuru to look up in complete fear.

"Uh-huh. And with a good monster... Yeah. Definitely."

Sensing the time-traveler's impending coronary, Kyon decided to speak up. "Hey, Haruhi, why don't we just throw another Halloween party? You know, like we did in that gag series of ours?"

Haruhi merely rolled her eyes at him and frowned. "We can't be expected to do the same thing twice in a row! Everything the SOS Brigade does must be unique each time! Now get back to your pumpkin-carving before I bend your arm in that weird position again."

Kyon shrugged pitifully at Mikuru and then made a disparaging remark about Haruhi and placing his knife into an uncomfortable place on her person. That was when Haruhi made a sound of extreme giddiness.

"Everyone! Look! A monster movie marathon this Saturday! This is so great! And the first movie they got is the horror movie to ends all horror movies..." Haruhi cheered excitedly, nearly drooling. Tsuruya laughed while Itsuki and the rest shared some knowing looks. Deciding to give up on his lop-sided pumpkin smile, Kyon produced a bunch of DVDs that Haruhi had forced him to buy for her in the previous few weeks. Maybe he was keeping them in his ass, I don't know.

"Oh, really? Better than Day of the Colossus? Scarier than It Came From the Skies or The Creeping Chaos? My expectations are enormous," Kyon said dryly.

"I'm certain Miss Suzumiya has a good movie in mind for us. What film did you have in mind for us?" Itsuki returned, smiling. Haruhi shoved the article into everybody's faces to show them the title. Kyon rolled his eyes, Yuki was indifferent, and Itsuki continued to suck up. Tsuruya looked as peppy as ever and Mikuru...

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I don't want to see any monster movies tonight..." Mikuru whined pathetically. Sensing her fright, Haruhi strode up to her.

"I promise you, Mikuru. Even _you_ will enjoy this movie," Haruhi explained with her best trollface.

"Yeah! It looks megas good! Trust me!" Tsuruya agreed. With her best friend around, Mikuru felt a lot better. Mustering up all her courage, the little maid peered down at the paper.

Mikuru took one look at the title and completely blanched.

_Cerebulon: Destroyer of Worlds_.

"Miss Asahina? Are you okay?" a rather concerned Kyon asked upon seeing Mikuru's face of utter terror. The mascot nodded slowly while shaking like a wet kitten. Not even noticing the condition of her friend (or maybe even caring), Tsuruya grabbed Mikuru in a hug from behind and giggled loudly.

"I know you'll just love this movie, Mikuru! I remember seeing it as a little kid on a trip with my parents! Can't remember how it all goes though... But it's got aliens, lasers melting the faces off people, and everything else~!" she cheered. The mention of lasers made Mikuru emit a noise akin to vomiting. Kyon became further convinced that this would not end well. Haruhi just grinned like a jack-o-lantern.

"My, all of that sounds very imaginative," Itsuki pleasantly said in his best yes-man voice. "What time does the film begin, Miss Suzumiya?"

"It starts at seven! Just enough time for it to get all dark and gloomy in that part of town. You all better not have anything planned for tonight!" Haruhi declared to the room's inhabitants.

_But I wanted to stay at home and watch Oprah while I sipped my coco in bed... _Mikuru internally squeaked in her mind. Deciding to finally get up from her seat, Yuki came forth to observe the article some more. She blinked.

"Interesting. For such an old film, it warrants an R rating in this time," Yuki stated.

Upon hearing that, Mikuru immediately fainted, filling the clubroom with the faint scent of urine.

"AN R RATING? SERIOUSLY?" Haruhi gabbled, snatching up the paper to look. "...Hey, Yuki! This is only a PG-13 rating!"

Yuki just glanced down at Mikuru's comatose form and cackled. Kyon faceplamed.

**Later that Night at the Theater...**

"Thanks for bringing me and your sister to come and see Cerebulon with you guys!" Miyoko gratefully said as she walked into the theaters lobby with Imouto and her brother.

"You're just lucky that Tsuruya could buy enough tickets for everybody," Kyon grumbled. "I only brought you two because you wouldn't stop crying and whining if I didn't sneak you both out of the house. And I didn't like you cutting off the circulation in my right leg when you grabbed onto me."

"I know. But it sure makes older kids and adults give into our demands so much more easily," Miyoko said with angelic smile.

"It sure does, Miyokichi~!" Imouto laughed. They both sped off to go say hi to Haruhi and the others in the lobby, making sure to step on both of Kyon's feet on the way.

"Little runts..." the cynic snarled. He hobbled over to meet up with the rest of the gang. After turning in their eight tickets for the show (to some espers Kyon recognized), the SOS Brigade, along with Tsuruya, Imouto, and Miyoko entered the theater for Cerebulon: Destroyer of Worlds. it was actually quite empty except for the group themselves.

"Piiiiiiiiiiiii~..." Mikuru squealed timidly. Every shadow looked like a mass of tentacles or snapping jaws that were ready to devour her. Worst of all, Haruhi was forcing them all to sit in the front row.

"It's so we can hear all the gore occurring!" she answered when Mikuru asked her. She'd even entrusted Yuki with holding onto Mikuru in case she tried to run. Yet another one of the tsundere's thinly-veiled attempts to make Mikuru look like a dork in front of Kyon again... not that she really needed a lot of help in that department.

Mikuru tried to sit next to Kyon, but a glare from Haruhi killed that. In the end, the red-head was sandwiched between Haruhi and Yuki, Kyon sat near Haruhi, Itsuki was right next to him, and Tsuruya, Imouto, and Miyoko sat alongside the esper. An animated ad with a dancing hot dog began to play.

"Say, Haruhi," Kyon spoke as the frankfurter talked about the joys of mustard, "how come we didn't invite anyone else besides Tsuruya for this Brigade activity? I know you hate Taniguchi and Kunikida, my sister and her friend are a different case, but what about Kimidori or Asakura? I thought you got along with them."

"Kimidori would have killed the mood by pointing out all the obvious points of the movie and generally would have irritated me with her presence alone for the next couple of hours. And I think Asakura probably would have masturbated to something like this. That girl has a serious guro-fetish if I ever saw one," Haruhi nonchalantly said, sipping her soda.

"...Oh."

"I'M SORRY, BUT JUST HOW LONG IS THIS MOVIE GOING TO BE?" a frantic Mikuru as in a high-pitched voice.

"The film is approximately two hours and forty minutes," Itsuki calmly answered.

Mikuru's face became whiter than a polar bear eating Wonder Bread in Washington. "AND HOW LONG DOES THIS MARATHON LAST?"

"Until two in the morning!" Imouto and Miyoko sang in unison. Mikuru screamed like a banshee and brought her knees up to her chin. As she rocked back and forth, a pair of movie-goers entered the theater. It was too dark to make them out in the shadows they were in, but they most likely exchanged a puzzled look as they strode towards some seats on a higher level. After a few more minutes, the ads and trailers ended, and the movie started to roll with the opening credits.

"HERE COMES THE TWO, NYORO~!" Tsuruya shouted as some grey numbers began to count down on-screen. She shoveled a good amount of popcorn into her craw for good measure.

Mikuru dug her fingers into the arms of her chair as the credits rolled by to some classical music. Despite being ordered to keep her in range, Yuki took hold of one of Mikuru's hands and tenderly squeezed it to calm her down. The gesture eased Mikuru's heart-rate down a few notches, but it was the reassuring smile Kyon gave her out of Haruhi's view that made her feel a little better. The time-traveler was broken out of her trance as the movie actually began.

_Just relax, Mikuru... Just relax... It's only a movie... It can't even hurt you... Unless Miss Suzumiya brings it to life..._ Mikuru thought to herself nervously.

Looking at the screen, she noticed that this film was in color compared to some of the other flicks Haruhi had watched. Some subtitles appeared to reveal the location of the opening scene as Washington, D.C.. True enough, it was nighttime as the camera centered on the Washington Monument.

_So far, so good..._

Almost instantly, the sky was filled with several silver flying saucers, coursing with neon green streaks of energy.

_O-Only a m-movie... Only a movie..._

A much more massive saucer suddenly zoomed down from the sky and nearly the Washington Monument as it touched down. After a thunderous crash, a dome in the craft opened up, revealing a metallic figure that looked a lot like a UFO, but with four mechanical legs and two equally large arms ending in three sets of steel claws. A giant throbbing brain with a red light for an eye sat in the cockpit of the mech. It took a few steps before head-butting the stone pillar in front of it to pieces.

"Nice-looking monster," Haruhi critiqued. "I like the radioactive mist effects."

Kyon looked more bored than interested in the movie's start. "I guess... You okay, Miss Asahina?"

"Oh, Mikuru is doing just fine, Kyon! She's a big girl! Look, she's smiling~!"

As the smaller crafts shot green blasts everywhere, Mikuru clenched her teeth while tightly gripping Yuki's hand. _Only a movie, only a movie, only a movie, only a movie... _Back on-screen, Cerebulon had placed both hands together to form some kind of alien weapon.

"Unique," Yuki deadpanned as the creature shot a powerful red beam out of its "cannon" as the unlucky individuals who were still lingering around the buildings.

"Wow, he's melting everything!" Imouto shouted. Miyoko just started laughing in a disturbing manner. The people in the back didn't do anything.

"Oh, Mikuru, look! He's aiming at that teenage couple in that convertible! The girl even kinda looks like you!" Tsuruya observed, the theater filling with a red light and the sounds of screaming and sizzling flesh. "...Wow, they didn't get away for too long. Anyone want some popcorn, nyoro?"

_IT'S ONLY A MOVIE, IT'S ONLY A MOVIE, IT'S ONLY A MOVIE, IT'S ONLY A MOVIE, IT'S ONLY A MOVIE!_

**1 Hour and 30 Minutes Later... **

Mikuru happily nibbled some popcorn as she watched the movie. "Wow! That really worked! I just kept telling myself it was a movie and it worked! I'm not scared of this movie anymore! Thanks for believing in me, Kyon..."

"Yeah, no problem at all..." Kyon muttered, averting his eyes from the explosions taking place on-screen. He shifted back into his seat uncomfortably while shivering once in a while.

Mikuru wondered what was wrong with Kyon and shrugged. Looking at the others, she saw that Tsuruya was passed out asleep, Itsuki looked dizzy and was colored in a shade of green, Imouto was still watching the movie, and Miyoko looked visibly bored.

"Ehhhh, this movie isn't that great after all," Miyoko quipped from her seat.

Imouto stared at her friend in shock. "What do you mean? I like it a lot! Didn't you think it was exciting when Cerebulon's army blew up that bus full of tourists?" For no reason at all, Itsuki suddenly rose to his feet and stumbled out of the theater while making gagging noises.

"I can't wait to see the next movie, Miss Suzumiya. What's it going to be about?" Mikuru asked, peering in the seat next to her.

Haruhi didn't answer. Heck, Haruhi hadn't really said much of anything in the past twenty minutes. She was too busy holding the empty popcorn bucket over her head like a helmet while weeping softly in the fetal-position. Mikuru blinked.

"...Okay, I'll just ask you later then."

"I think the next film is called Wave of Terror. It has giant robots in it," said a familiar voice sitting further behind the group. Kyon, Mikuru, and Imouto turned to look.

"Asakura and Miss Kimidori?" Kyon said in a dumbfounded-matter. The two aliens casually waved at him, both dressed in casual clothing. "What are you two doing here?"

"For the matinee, of course," Ryoko answered, grinning. "I enjoy plots where Earth is struggling to survive. It... strikes a chord in me."

"It certainly would, you psychotic two-faced bitch."

"Hmmm?"

"Nothing. How about you, Miss Kimidori?"

"I tagged along to keep an eye on Asakura and to immerse myself in classical film culture like yourselves. That, and the sticky floors remind me a bit of my apartment~..." Emiri suddenly pointed at the screen. "Oh, look! Togera is now battling Cerebulon to protect the city! You know I heard this scene took a lot of time to make. And Togera's roar was actually made from the synchronized sounds of a Chihuahua, a blue whale, and a..."

Mikuru tuned out Emiri as she watched a vaguely Godzilla-like monster, only more aquatic-based and with more spikes, battle the evil alien. "Yaaaaaaaaay~! Get him, Togera! Kick his alien butt! Fight for justice!" A swell of dramatic music was heard as Cerebulon shed his mech-suit to reveal himself as a squid-like beast with an oversized brain, single red eye, and scythes for forelimbs. Mikuru started clapping along and belted out a strange-sounding tune that would better suit a flying turtle with flame-jets than a giant dinosaur.

"Fascinating creature design even if I can see the zippers," Ryoko said to herself as Cerebulon was bathed in green flames. "...By the way, where is Nagato? I thought she would be with you all."

Mikuru suddenly noted that Yuki hadn't been holding her hand for quite a while. She peered around and saw that the alien seemed to have vanished.

Then Imouto stood up and pointed at Yuki's chair. "Hey! There she is."

Everyone looked over to see Yuki still in her seat, but leaning over so that her head was facing the floor. Her hands were also covering her ears.

"What are you doing down there, Nagato?" Kyon asked, raising an eyebrow.

Realizing she had been seen, Yuki looked at her fellow movie-goers and aliens and said, "I was searching for my glasses. They seem to have fallen off from my face."

"...But you don't _wear_ glasses anymore, Miss Nagato," Mikuru put in.

There was a short silence in the room.

"...I see."

And then they all watched the rest of the movie. Mikuru got over her fears of horror films, Emiri prattled on about trivia no one cared about, Itsuki came back from the restroom, Togera soundly defeated Cerebulon and his minions and even blasted his head off in the climax, and they all lived happily ever after.

...That is, until Ryoko silently glided down from her seat like a cross between a fucking barn owl and the Jersey Devil and made off with Kyon in her clutches.

"_YOINK~!_"

"OH, GOD, NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN."

"HEY, COME BACK WITH MY MAN!" And then Mikuru ran out of her seat to go beat the tar out of a yandere before imminent rape could occur. Because there are scarier things than horror movies after all.

* * *

**A/N: Hope you all had another happy Halloween, boys and girls. I will now start writing more often this November to catch up with my period of inactivity. :3 **

**And War of the Monsters is one of my favorite PS2 games ever. **


	58. Purple People Eater

Haruhi was all alone in the clubroom as she browsed around on the room's computer. Well, Yuki was there reading a book like she always did, but the silence made the ribbon-wearer feel as if she were alone.

Deciding to kill her boredom, Haruhi started to read some horror stories on a site for fiction she had encountered a few days ago. She read tales about ghouls, haunted masks, evil ventriloquist dummies, swamp-things, mirror demons, and sea monsters. None of the tales made her spine tingle or made her break out in a sweat. Most of the tales relied on cheap jump scares or incredibly lame twists.

"Oh, great. The kid turns out to be a dog in this one," Haruhi muttered, rolling her eyes. She scrolled down the list of entries and finally found something worthwhile. A tale about a horrible killer who served his victims to other people in the food he cooked. It only took her three minutes to get through, but it was much better than the rest of the stories. As she reflected on the tale, a single thought in the form of a question escaped Haruhi's lips.

"I wonder how human-flesh really tastes?" she asked nobody in particular. Spinning around in her chair, she came to a startling sight to her immediate left.

It was Yuki's face violating her personal-space at a rate that could never be topped by Itsuki. Her nose was practically touching her own.

"_Sometimes I wonder that as well, Miss Suzumiya,_" Yuki said ominously as she leaned down to her Brigade Chief.

"R-Really? T-That's... interesting, Yuki..." Haruhi mumbled, not liking how the bookworm's amber eyes were drilling into her own gold ones. As if not sensing anything weird, Yuki stood fully up and went back to her chair to read. She stared at Haruhi for another five seconds before going back to her page

Haruhi then made sure to always have everyone leave the club meetings first before Yuki did.

* * *

**A/N: I don't know where this came from. **


	59. TMOHS Christmas Album

_**HEYA, PARTY-PEOPLE~! 'Tis I, Haruhi Suzumiya~! So it's Christmas right now, and I was busy thinking about how I could have my Brigade cash in on this holiday that promotes family togetherness and giving for some funds.**_

_**Then it hit me! Why not release a The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Christmas album that my fans will enjoy? They're a walking source of money already! A stroke of genius, I know. Koizumi already said so, too.**_

_**So without further ado, I present... **_

_**The Christmas Songs of Haruhi Suzumiya!**_

_**Featuring such wonderfully remastered and creative hits like:**_

**Emiri the Green-haired Organic Life Contact-purpose Humanoid Interface:**

In the middle of a studio with a snowy backdrop, Emiri stood in front of a microphone. A sheet of paper with lyrics on it was held in her hands as she softly sang.

"Then one foggy Christmas eve, Haruhi came to say... 'Emiri, with your face so cruddy, how'd you like to be my punch-buddy?' Then the children loved her... Spared them from the wrath of Haruhi... Emiri the Green-haired Interface... You went down in total misery~..."

After finishing her song, Emiri lowered her paper, blinked a few times, then began to cry. Haruhi strode into view and slung an arm around the wailing alien.

"Wasn't she great, ladies and gentlemen? Buy right now and you, too, can enjoy the vibrant voice of Emiri Kimidori singing about the various abuse she endures! Now let's move on with the rest of our selection~!" Haruhi cheered on. Emiri just kept on sobbing.

"I just wanted a song that wouldn't suck!" she wailed.

"Yeah, you'll get one eventually..."

**Up on North High School's Top: **

The same studio with the backdrop from before, but now it was Kyouko and Fujiwara who were at the mike. Kyouko was swinging her arms to the beat of the song playing while Fujiwara looked incredibly ill. He had bags under his eyes and was swaying on his feet.

"Up on the school's top, reindeer pause!" Kyouko raised her hands up for effect. "Out jumps good old Santa Claus~!"

At that exact moment, Fujiwara brought out some kind of highly-advanced gun and fired it directly at the ceiling. Two bolts of searing blue light exploded overhead and brought down several chunks of plaster. Kyouko jumped back in fright and gawked at her teammate.

"Fujiwara, why on Earth would you do that!" she screeched at him.

Fujiwara belched, reeking heavily of eggnog. "You sez that... Santa was... on teh roof... I wuz... payin' the 'ol fat man a warnin'... Stay off mah roof, ya fat... bastard..."

He passed out in a puddle of his own vomit half a second later.

**Horror Claus is Coming to Town:**

"He rapes you when you're sleeping~! He burns you when you wake~! He knows if you taste bad or good, so be good for goodness sake~..." Ryoko sweetly sang into the microphone.

"...Wow, Asakura. I am never letting you do anything for the Brigade again," Haruhi stated, her right eye twitching.

It was not like she needed sleep anyways.

**Rockin' Around the Sentient Data-based Christmas Tree: **

Now it was Nakagawa, the Computer Club President, and Kunikida who were in the studio. They sang in front of a large Christmas tree covered in tinsel.

"Rockin' around the Christmas tree! At the Christmas party hop!" the trio belted out together. They didn't get too far into the rest of the lyrics as the tree behind them began to shake fiercely.

"What's with the tree?" Kunikida asked out loud. No sooner than the words had left his mouth, the tree sprouted numerous tendrils and a toothy gaping mouth.

"_**BLAAAAAARGH!**_"

"...Well, I'm out of here," TCCP said, fleeing for the exit. Kunikida was left to fend off the massive plant with a mop.

"I knew I never should have appeared in this special," Nakagawa muttered in a deadpan voice as the tree picked him up and hurled him at TCCP.

**Kyon-kun Christmas Boogie: **

"Kyon-kun Christmas Boogie~! ...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOGIE~!" Imouto and Miyoko sang together as they stood on a pair of stools to reach the microphone.

"YOU TWO HAVE BEEN ONLY SINGING THOSE TWO SENTENCES FOR THE PAST TEN MINUTES! WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO WRITE THAT STUPID SONG?" Haruhi snarled, grabbing at her hair.

Imouto quickly flipped through the pages of the song. "You did," she flatly replied.

Haruhi blinked. "...Oh, yeah."

"Looks like your crappy love song to Kyon really did stink," Miyoko said with a snicker.

Haruhi stared at the little girl for a bit before she picked up Imouto by the feet and used her to hit Miyoko over the head.

**The Blue-haired Alien Who Attempted to Induce Change by Stealing Christmas: **

Taniguchi stood in front of the microphone, wearing a Santa hat as he sang. "You're a foul one, Asakura~! You really are a runt~! You're as cuddly as a blowfish~! You're as charming as a wasted blunt, Asakuuuuuuuuuura~! You might be the most despicable character in this series... but I still wanna pound your cu-"

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA, Taniguchi! What the hell, man?" Kyon shouted as he cut off the song. "That is WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too adult for this kind of atmosphere. It's a Christmas album!"

Haruhi stomped into view, glaring hatefully at the hat-wearing pervert. "Yeah, what's the deal, Taniguchi! I didn't write that last part in! Now you've probably traumatized Asakura for life with the very idea of you having sex with her!" True to her word, Ryoko was rolling around on the ground in the fetal position.

Taniguchi scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "...But I really do want to bang Asa-" He never finished, as a disgusted Haruhi quickly grabbed Taniguchi by the shoulders and introduced her right knee to his sternum.

**Shinjin the Snowlestial: **

"Haruhi?" Kyon spoke as he entered the empty studio. The brunette appeared from a door on the opposite side of the room.

"Yeah, Kyon?"

"Who was supposed to sing this song? I haven't heard anything from the next room for half an hour."

"Hmm... I think it was Sakanaka. Hey! Sakanaka! Where are you?"

Sakanaka, wearing a top hat and nibbling on a carrot, stepped out from behind a curtain. "Yes, Suzumiya?"

"There you are! Why aren't you singing my unique take on Frosty the Snowman?" Haruhi questioned.

"Well, I was singing your song for the album." Sakanaka paused from eating and held up a sheet of paper. "I took a break not too long ago. To be quite honest, I didn't think it was much of a song. Just the same few lines repeated over and over. Like some kind of chant."

"Huh?" Haruhi snatched up the paper and squinted at it. "Excuse me? This isn't even in my handwriting! I didn't even write any of this!"

Wondering what was wrong, Kyon peered over her shoulder and at the paper.

"_Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken... Take the land that must be taken. Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken... Devour worlds, smite, forsaken._.." Kyon murmured, reading along with the lines. "...not a very Christmasy song you got there, Haruhi."

"It's not in the Christmas spirit because someone else wrote it!" Haruhi snarled, balling up the paper. "Whoever wrote this must have put it somewhere for Sakanaka to find so she could read it. But why would someone want to have her sing a lousy song to record for my album?"

At that exact moment, the floor of the studio shook heavily and then cracked in half. Two enormous arms that were glowing blue reached out of the newly-made chasm and firmly planted themselves on the floor. Following after them was a huge giant with an equally blue body, three red eyes, and a giant Santa hat on its head. It pointed a finger straight down at the surprised trio.

"_**OH, BUT YOUR SONG HAS DONE MORE THAN JUST THAT, FOOLISH MORTALS! BY RECITING IT, YOU HAVE RESTORED ME TO MY FULL POWER! NOW I, SHINJIN, BLOTTER OF THE SUN, DEVOURER OF WORLDS, AND BRINGER OF HAVOC... HAVE BEEN REAWAKENED!**_" it boomed triumphantly.

Instead of cowering like Kyon and Sakanaka, Haruhi just crossed her arms and glared up. "Go back to your room, you naughty personification of my frustration and depression."

"_**...Okay, mom.**_"

**Mikuru's Twelve Days of Christmas:**

Mikuru was dressed in a short green elf tunic, joyfully singing what she considered to be her own special song.

"Twelve fresh-cut roses, eleven love confessions, ten custom-fit bras, nine Yuki Nagato dartboards, eight swimming turtles, seven creepy stalkers, six necklaces, FIVE HUGS FROM KYOOOOOOON~! Four stuffed-animals, three-course meal, two spiral hams... AND A RAPING FROM HARU-NYAN~!"

Mikuru's eyes widened and she brought up the paper to her face.

"Wait! _Wait!_ What was that last one aga-"

And that's when a certain tsundere tackled her from the side.

_**Okay, for those of you who are curious, I didn't actually rape Mikuru. I just messed with her a little. ...Stupid Kyon and Yuki... Pulling me away from her...**_

_**Anyways, there they are, folks at home~! The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Christmas album! Only $45.99 if you order right now! The official release for them will be- **_

_**...What do you mean COMING NEVER! I'll sell whatever I want to, you corporate jerks! I'm technically God! I can do whatever the hell I wa- GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! **_

As Haruhi battled several lawyers, Kyon sighed. Yuki and Itsuki stood at his sides, not really stunned at the scene before them.

"It's fine. We have more than enough money to pay off whatever troubles Miss Suzumiya gets herself into," Itsuki stated with his snake-like smile.

"'Tis the season," Yuki whispered, nodding in agreement.

"Just... Just _please_ tell me that nothing stupid or random will happen for the sake of a Christmas-related joke since we are right near the end," Kyon begged.

But before either Yuki or Itsuki could reply, Tsuruya, dressed up in a sexy Santa costume and carrying a massive burlap sack, burst through the studio door. "NYORO RO RO RO~! Merry Fishmas~!" She then opened up her bag and began to hurl its contents at whoever she could see.

Said contents being raw fish-guts.

"Tsuruya! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" screamed her various co-workers and friends.

"Isn't this how poor people celebrate Christmas, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked, scratching the side of her head. But before anyone could beat her to a pulp, the air was filled with the sounds of screeching and meowing. "Hey, what's that? "

A horrified Sasaki was the first to randomly come out of nowhere and identify the threat, wearing Kuyou like some sort of hat on her head. "By the beard of Saint Nicolas! It's a gigantic mob of seagulls and kitties!"

Kuyou's normally indifferent expression became one of absolute fear. "No... My two greatest enemies have finally teamed up! WE ALL MUST FLEE!"

"**AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE!**"

"HEY, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE SCREAMING? I'M TRYING TO DEAL WITH SOME PISSY LAWYERS HERE AND- OH, NO! SEAGULLS! _DON'T LET THEM TOUCH ME WITH THEIR FEET!_"

And _**that**_ is how the characters of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya spent Christmas.

* * *

**A/N: Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals! **

**Mikuru's song was written by ObsidianWarrior. Happy holidays to you, too, man. **


End file.
